Picture this: You're on a date with someone you really like, but...
...there's no chemistry. No spark. Not a single firework. You're nervous and a little chatty. You start wondering if it's really a date—maybe you're just two friends hanging out?
Well, Joan Rivers (of all people) shared a brilliant tip years ago: Pretend that you're kissing. During the evening—as you walk to the movie theater, as you wait in line for popcorn, as you find seats—pretend in the back of your mind that you're kissing your date the entire time.
I shared this dating tip on Glamour four years ago, but since a lot of people are new to Cup of Jo and weren't reading my column back then, I wanted to share it again.
It sounds random, but I tried it on dates and it really works. Amazingly, the mental trick changes your body language (you'll lean in closer and tilt your head slightly), slows down the pace of your conversation (especially when you're nervous) and helps your confidence skyrocket (you'll feel bold and sexy). Your date will pick up on your subtle cues; by the time you actually kiss each other, the sparks will be flying.
Isn't that a great tip? Would you try it?
P.S. Just for fun, I kind of want to try with Alex the next time we're on a date night:)
(Photo from Moonrise Kingdom; tip originally shared on Glamour)
haha. I would be totally distracted. I think I will try this with my husband... maybe he will be totally seduced by it ;)
ReplyDeleteLove this!!! Kissing is so fun. :)
ReplyDeleteWho knew Joan was so wise?!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, very sweet <3
ReplyDeleteI totally did this on my first date with my boyfriend. Not because I was nervous but because I just really wanted to kiss him! He could totally tell but he didn't kiss me until the end of the date and it was the most awkward kiss ever... We were sitting in a car so that didn't help. But now our kisses are fantastic.
ReplyDeleteHaha I love that you used this of all scenes from Moonrise Kingdom for this post. Don't you wonder if that's not exactly what Suzy Bishop was trying to do here? Love this movie.. my husband and I are even dressing up as these two for Halloween!
ReplyDeleteThat is a fantastic Halloween costume idea!
DeleteLOL that's what my hubs and I are doing too, because he wears glasses and every year he has the hardest time finding a costume or mask that accommodates his specs!
DeleteLove it - I'm totally trying this. Joan is such a bad ass.
ReplyDeleteIt's also an awesome tip for date night with the hubby of 17 years!!!!
ReplyDeleteHa! I was thisclose to posting the exact same thing (just switch your 17 years for my 12 years...). ;-)
DeleteHa! I was thisclose to posting the exact same thing (just switch your 17 years for my 12 years...). ;-)
DeleteWhat a cute tip (and Moonrise Kingdom is a seriously cute movie)! LK's comment made me think of my own NEW dating experiences, where most of our kisses ARE still in the car! After our first "in public" kiss--even just a little one--we were so nervous and, after, incredibly relieved! It was so silly. Joanna, have you written any posts on "pda," or even just subtle sort of "public" gestures, like holding hands as you walk down the street?
ReplyDeleteAwesome tip!! I'm currently dating someone and sometimes i get so nervous about whether he is liking me or not that the conversation doesn't flow smoothly... :s The other day i was wearing dark red lipstick whihc i hoped would make me look interesting and sexy but since he didn't even mentioned it i started worrying too much where he had liked it or not and didn't actually felt comfortable for the night. I ended up cleaning it discretely with my napkin... I'm definately trying this to be more confident next time! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to try that on my husband, but I don't know why I'd want to do this with someone with whom I had no chemistry.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I hear this tip, but am definitely giving it a try asap!!
ReplyDeleteYes! I will def. try it, good for my overall anxiety. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Taking a tip from Joan Rivers seems like a slippery slope.
ReplyDeleteLol. Really? No offense, but this is the silliest, dumbest thing I've ever heard! If there's no chemistry, move on! Having to pretend to like someone ... who's that desperate?
ReplyDeleteI could not agree with you more Pamela - this tip does not make ANY sense to me! No offense, Joanna, I usually love all your tips! But why on earth would you want to kiss someone you don't have chemistry with?! There are way too many chemistry filled dates and kisses out there - no need to waste the time!
DeleteSo true! This actually makes me a bit sad...if there's no chemistry on the first (!) date how on earth is it meant to be in the future?! The fact that there are no sparks should indicate that you shouldn't be with that person in the first place!
DeleteEven more so with somebody you've been with for some time: why would you have to imagine to kiss that person when you could just do it?! No offense but if you need that to 'make things special', I would be worried...
Same. This is idiotic and another recycled post from Joanna. Why do I keep coming back here?! Must. Stop.
DeleteI can think of scenarios where you might want to explore whether chemistry with someone was a possibility that could develop.
DeleteI have two friends who married men they were initially not physically attracted to - that attraction developed over time as they dated. These were great guys they appreciated, respected, and enjoyed being around, but didn't have 'the hots' for, so to speak. They eventually did develop that chemistry and were thankful that they had been open to the idea, even though attraction didn't start out very high.
I think that being open to dating someone who you appreciate and respect as a person is a smart idea, even if there isn't an instant passion connection. I truly believe that chemistry is in great part a mindset that can develop and as such, it's not necessarily a bad idea to give one's mind opportunities to develop it.
As to doing this in marriage... why is it stupid? Many marriage advice counselors and books recommend fantasizing about your spouse as you maintain passion over the years. How is this any different than other fantasies?
@ Ellen - when there is no chemistry there is friendship. I think it is wonderful that your friends were able to develop the chemistry, but for myself, and most people I know those folks just end up becoming wonderful friends. Nothing wrong with that!
DeleteI must say I disagree with you...there was no initial chemistry with my now boyfriend. But I thought he was such an amazing person, I decided to stick it out. We now have a really great foundation of friendship for our relationship. Sometimes, you have to be patient when you come across someone you know is right for you!
DeleteLOVE this tip. And I love that photo from Moonrise Kingdom (fabulous movie)!
ReplyDeleteIf I don't have any chemistry with someone, the LAST thing I want to do is imagine kissing them. On a side note, that picture from Moonrise Kingdom is wonderful...loved that movie!
ReplyDeletehahahahaha oh my goodness this is fantastic! I'm just going to do it with husband though.... sparks be flyin!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Liesl
woodsy-soiree.blogspot.com
I need tips on getting a hot date in the first place :p
ReplyDeleteThis is not meant to be passive aggressive at all, but I'm totally proud of you for the citation. Ethical blogging rules, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteReally insightful tip! I can completely see this working. However, you've got to question if the chemistry is real or if you have just fooled yourself. All in all, it's a very cool thought and I am going to test it out on my boyfriend :)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that has me thinking is Blushes. I suffer of a bad case of them you see, and I always blush with a kiss, or thinking of a kiss and flirting. I'll have to practice to see if the redness can be contained, because this sounds so mischeivously fun!
ReplyDeleteI adore this tip so much! I've been with my fiance for 5 and a half years and this is definitely a great tip to try to make things a little special again!
ReplyDeleteHa I want to try this for date night with my boyfriend!
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This sounds like something I'm going to try. As soon as I get a date!
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@littleredbookxo
that's really good advice! I am such a nervous wreck when I go on dates...it's why I never really go on them!
ReplyDeletehttp://lavieenliz.com
This is absolutely the perfect tip at the perfect time. Thank you, Jo!
ReplyDeleteI actually teared up thinking about using it on date night with my long term BF. Adorable. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to try this on my husband. After ten years and now a baby together, it can be tough to keep the sparks flying sometimes! ;)
ReplyDeleteI can only see this working if you actually liked the person... and then wouldn't you want to kiss them anyway?? When I think about kissing someone I don't have any chemistry with, I just feel mildly repulsed..
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for citing your previous article. I know it doesn't make a difference to man readers, but it really does for me.
ReplyDelete*many :)
DeleteBut I'm confused! If there's no chemistry, why force it?
ReplyDeleteMaria xx
www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com
I was going to send the same comment of Maria, that just anticipated my point of view.
ReplyDeleteWith no chemistry, I couldn't picture myself kissing my date. No way!!!!!
Byeeee
laura
I DID try this with my husband last night - totally worked! Thank you, Joanna!
ReplyDeleteJoanna! Did I happen to see you last night around 10 at a bar in Greenpoint?
ReplyDeleteOkay I want to try this. Seems like an easy enough thing to give a shot... Hoping the sparks will fly!
ReplyDeleteooooh moonrise kingdom is a new favorite. i could do without the little bits of violence and the poor dog part but the rest i LOOOOOVE :) i want to be suzy for halloween but i need to find a sam!
ReplyDeleteOn one of the first dates with my husband, smooching was truly all I could think about. BUT he didn't get it! He was being so careful and wanted to be a gentleman. At the end of the evening I had to practically throw myself at him! After that, well...
ReplyDeleteI do actually think that's a brilliant idea - and it doesn't surprise me it comes from the FANTASTIC Joan Rivers!! I absolutely love her and her witty banter! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteJo- I actually read this advice the first time you published it in Glamour, and tried it on a date, and felt COMPLETELY stupid!!! Maybe I just picked the wrong boy to try it out on, but he seemed to get more and more weirded out by me and I felt worse and worse about my actions and the date as a whole as the night wore on.
ReplyDeleteSo, maybe just a hint: try it out on someone who you can tell is attracted to YOU, and your personality. If it's just some guy you barely know... he might get some wrong signals!
Love,
Long-time reader Lindsey
Jo- I actually read this the first time you published it on Glamour, and tried it out, and I felt COMPLETELY stupid!!! Maybe I just picked the wrong guy, but he kept getting more and more weirded out by me and I felt more and more stupid as the night wore on!
ReplyDeleteI think the key is to try this out on someone you know is attracted to you, whom you're on the fence about. Not just any random guy.
Love,
Long-time reader Lindsey
Haha I don't think I could do this but it's an interesting idea.
ReplyDeleteWould I try it? Definitely. I think it's a great tip, especially because dating is 5% fun and 95% awkward. :)
ReplyDeleteDEAR GOD YOU ALREADY POSTED THIS.
ReplyDeleteI'm just curious - if there isn't any chemistry or spark, then doesn't that mean that you're just not meant to be and shouldn't date this person (after this date, of course, since you don't know until this date happens)? I think if there's chemistry, and you just happen to be really nervous, then yeah, go ahead and try this tip. But I feel like nerves has nothing to do with whether or not a couple has chemistry.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone disagreeing and such, I think you have to read it in a different way/apply it differently..
ReplyDeleteYeah, if there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry haha, but if you're on a date and you like the person and you're so nervous/not smooth/awkward, and you just pretend you guys have already been kissing, it will make you feel so much more relaxed! And as mentioned, it'll change your body language to be a little more intimate/comfortable so you're more likely to actually kiss without worrying. :)
But yeah, if you don't like them.. well, no why would you do it?
Totally going to use this when I'm nervous though!
I have absolutely no problem with you reblogging posts! Anyone that does and reads your VERY entertaining and FREE blog needs to relax and re evaluate their lives...and get one!
ReplyDeletei love Joan Rivers.
ReplyDeletei don't know if i would have the courage to do it (x ... ~~~ i blush just thinking of it ! :P Thanks Jo*
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I cannot believe that advise came from Joan Rivers! I wish I had known about this on a recent speed dating night in Singapore to help increase the tension between me and this one lovely lady. It was like I knew she was interested (possibly!) but I felt too shy to really put that signal out there. She was very beautiful and I just felt in awe. I hope I hear from her emailing later today!
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Disappointed in all the comments saying this is ridiculous. I have been in situations where I've really been attracted to a person but there was for a period no apparent chemistry. Glad I stuck it out, kept my mind open, and that both of us had the patience to wait around while our nerves defrazzled. No matter how much I wish it, I'm never going to be the calm, cool, and collected type.
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