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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Have you stayed friends with your exes?

Before I met Alex...

...I dated another guy for a couple years in my twenties. After we broke up one Thanksgiving, we tried to stay friends. Why not, right? The break-up was mutual; we were two adults; we enjoyed each other's company. We did a bunch of friendly activities—met for Sunday brunch, went for a bike ride, got dinner at a pizza place, went to a comedy show—but in the end, it was too hard to be friends. It felt weird and emotionally ridden, especially when we both started dating other people. So we did the mature thing: Got in a huge fight and never spoke again.

It's hard, right?

The new movie Celeste and Jesse Forever is about this very thing. (FYI, it's opening in a bunch of theaters tomorrow). Celeste and Jesse are getting divorced but still hang out all the time. Their friendship becomes strained, however, when Jesse starts dating another woman. Wouldn't you love to see it?
So, I'm curious: Are you still friends with your exes? Or would that be too hard/sad for one or both of you?

489 comments:

1 – 200 of 489   Newer›   Newest»
Pamela said...

Not really interested in the movie. Also don't think it's a good idea to stay friends after the big break up. Why? Just ... why? Make another friend; move on.

Jessica said...

I stay casual friends with people I dated briefly, but husband and I agree that a legit friendship with someone we dated seriously would be inappropriate.

Lauren Fraley said...

Outsmarting heartache / being heartbroken is a tempting challenge, and I love that Rashida Jones wrote a script about this (seems like all of my friends - we're in our mid-20s, try this with one ex or another).

I like to call these the "moms are always right moments" - times when my seemingly uncool, unhip ,totally-out-of-touch-with-todays-mores is UNDENIABLY right. You can't be friends, at least not at first. Seems to me, from personal and observational experience, that you need to have a "detox" period first.

Love me if ya dare said...

For me it is not possible, there will always be this special vibe.. Male-female friendships are hard enough, especially if there was something more...

Allie said...

i just wrote about this the other day!!

http://www.alexandrasafran.com/2012/08/an-age-old-dilemma.html

im currently in the 'strain' part of what you just discussed... we were having so much fun being friends and now all of a sudden i feel like the friendship is too hard and i find myself upset all of the time. oyyy! an age old dilemma is right.

Megan said...

I just saw the movie on Monday - loved it! Rashida Jones is so beautiful and smart.

Lacey in the City said...

I've never been a fan of staying friends with exes. I don't see the point in bringing the past along with you into the future- from experience, it's only caused hurt and discomfort for future relationships.

Mary said...

I like to have clear emotional boundaries. If I love somebody and we break up, I let that person go. I wish I could be more "mature" about it, but, for me, it's healthier to have a clean break.

Nicole said...

If there was any kissing involved, I don't think it's wise. Hanging out again could lead to "What if...?" questions, especially after tying the knot. Why jeopardize your (or his!) marriage for the sake of a shallow friendship? I think staying friends after breaking up is more for the sake of proving you can stay friends rather than staying friends because you want to. Does that make sense?

Rachel said...

I have seen previews for this a lot recently, it looks cute.

I've been dating my boyfriend for so long that anyone before him barely counts as an 'ex', but I'm not friends with any of them. I think we probably broke up because we annoyed each other, and that didn't change. ha.

tinajo said...

Yes I am - I had three boyfriends before I met my husband 14 years ago. I´ve stayed friends with all three of them and we still check up on eachother and would absolutely be there to help if someone needed it.

It may be unusual, but they have not minded that I´ve stayed friends with the ones before them either - no jelaousy from any part. Two actually became really good friends!

Their girlfriends and now wives have not minded me either, but I think that´s probably due to my respect for their relationship. I couldn´t just continue to act like when we were together - that´s what can spark the jelaousy I think. And I wouldn´t be hanging around their home too much either, maybe once/6 months or so.

But they have been part of my life during really important stages in my life, so I´m happy that we still care for eachother - my first boyfriend and I have known eachother for 24 years now! :-)

J.Mill said...

I love all of those actors. I would totally see the movie. The soundtrack seems awesome too.

I cannot stay friends with ex's, personally. My husband and I have an agreement that if we are even facebook friends with ex's, it needs to be transparent. We have each other's passwords and we always disclose if we've seen/talked to an ex. We trust each other, but we want to make sure we leave no room for wandering.

Catherine Masi said...

This movie looks fantastic. I'm of the philosophy that we are capable of being friends with exes. In fact, I still keep in touch with many of mine (I am married and my husband has always been fine with it- and I with his, as well). The only time it got weird is when an ex was too emotionally attached and we had to cut the line. But, if there are no strong sexual or emotional attachments, I say let it roll...

Danielle Kristine said...

I have one ex that I have remained friends with and it has been completely fine, although I am NOT friends with quite a few of them. The reason being is they don't like that I am in a relationship with somebody else. Why wouldn't they like that? I'm happy and fulfilled and life is wonderful. Haha. I am now in an open-polyamorous relationship and a lot of my exes don't understand it and are too tied into societal monogamy. Is it possible to be friends with an ex? ABSOLUTELY! But its only possible to be friends with someone if they support you, they are not possessive of you, and they like to see you happy. :-) The movie looks cute too!

Rocioh said...

I'm friends with a couple of exes, not close friends though, we just talk from time to time.

But we became friends again after like after a loooooong time of no contact or talking, and in that long time we both dated other people, so by the time we started talking again, that wasn't an issue anymore.
I think if you want to stay friends, that's the only way, let things cool down.

Manda said...

No ma'am!
Never good to keep a spark in the fire if you don't want it to start up again, ya know? Especially if you're in another relationship.

Been there, tried that. Epic Fail.
Eat Cake

Abby said...

It's extremely funny that you wrote about this today...mostly because it's been on my mind a lot. My boyfriend and I right now are trying to figure out the whole 'how to break up' thing, infact I'm going to meet him right after I write this. So it's hard, I've been trying to figure out what my emotions are, and what I want to be if and when we break up.

Jay said...

I'd say it's 50/50... there were a couple of serious relationships that were hard in the end so for me to move on, it was just easier to cut ties. If I saw them now, I'd be friendly but probably not friends.
There are a couple of less serious relationships who I'm still friends with but mostly because we have the same group of friends.

Becca - {extra}ordinary wonders said...

I'm definitely going to watch that movie! I haven't stayed friends with my exes...too hard.

Liz Lauren said...

omg I have a review of this movie set to post on Sunday!!

check it out!

http://lavieenliz.com

major284 said...

Nope. I stayed friends with my most significant ex (the "what if" guy)for a long time, but it led to repeated heart break and confusion for both of us. We check in once every so often, but it's really best not to talk. Strangely, years later, I still know when he's going to call/email. If he pops into my head, it means he's calling me any day. That perpetuates the "what if" and it would all be easier if we had a completely clean break and never spoke again.
Insignificant "exes" like the ones you dated for three weeks and therefore don't really count as an ex, are pretty easy to stay friends with, or at least friendly.

M said...

I only stayed 'friends' with two of the guys I broke up with, and even then it's a very distant friendship. I wanted to be closer friends with one of the two because we really were best friends when we were dating, but it upsets my husband (understandably). But it's still hard for me, even though we've been broken up for about four years, because he was such an incredible guy and I harbor no bad feelings toward him. My husband was simply a perfect match for me, and that guy wasn't.
In the end, I almost prefer an ugly breakup to a nice one. After an ugly breakup, you really see the negative aspects of the relationship/person that you didn't see before. And I think the end of a romantic relationship is like a death: you need your time to grieve, and then you move on and you don't see them anymore.

Katie said...

To each his own, but for me it has always felt wrong. If I wanted to just be friends, I would have just stopped at friends in the first place. After breaking up, being friends felt like a bad consolation prize, "Sorry this one wasn't the love of your life, but now your are friends so you can be reminded of this heartbreak every time you see each other." Ugh, no thanks!
Plus, how can you be open to new relationship when your ex is always there screwing up your game? Even if you say you're not looking, it's lame, don't do it, it will end badly, I promise. The only person you are fooling is yourself. Do yourself a favor and just move on.
Ok, I'm off my soapbox now. :)

ohdizzle said...

Oh God, my ex and I are going through this right now. We had a 100% adult, super amicable split (I moved away and we didn't want to do long distance, so it really wasn't about either of us being angry, just sad), but it's still so hard to be friends. It makes me miss him even more. We're not talking a lot right now so I can get over him, but we are trying to keep the doors of communication open so we can be friends in the future. Such a hard balance!

MJ said...

I dated a guy for almost 5 years while I was in college. We even moved from one city to another, but when I moved to a third city, we broke up. It broke my heart into a million pieces that he didn't move to be with me. He was my first love, and he saw me through my most formative years (18-23). After we broke up we continued to visit each other for about a year even though we lived across country. There were a lot of feelings involved, friendship ones and others too. He had seen me through a lot of new experiences and I had a hard time letting go. Even as we both started dating new people, we continued to talk to each other regularly by phone. I needed him to be my best friend.

When I started dating my (now) husband about a year after we broke up, I mostly ended my close friendship with my ex-boyfriend. We have continued to email maybe 3-4 times per year and I have spoken to him probably a handful of times in the past 7 years. We are Facebook friends, and that makes it a bit easier to know what he is up to, which oddly is very important to me, as I once considered him the closest person to me and I can't forget that. I have always been open and candid with my husband about my friendship with this ex, he has even met him (at a wedding for a mutual friend)...and he likes him. If we didn't live on opposite ends of the continent, I would have no qualms meeting up from time to time. In my mind, there's no harm in maintaining the friendship aspect of a romantic relationship. But I'm an idealist...and an optimist.

Katie K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lauren Cormier Taylor said...

I used to always stay friends with my exes, and even tried with my college boyfriend of 4 years. It didn't work at all though... We would end up drinking too much at a mutual friend's party and end up going home together, just like in the old days, and then the hurt feelings and turmoil of the breakup would come back. It dragged out the pain for way longer than needed. I should have ripped off the bandaid instead... Anyway, we went our separate ways, which allowed us both to move on. We are both happily married now, coincidentally to the first person we got serious with after each other. Although we no longer talk, I have nothing but well wishes for him (and my other exes). I figure, if I liked them enough to date them, and the relationships weren't bad, and the breakups were more about being in different places in our lives than anything else, why should I not still have good feelings about them. There's too much negativity in the world - I remember my exes by remembering the good times we had together, and appreciating that they, in their own ways, helped get me ready for my marriage.

Maike said...

It's such an interesting thing to talk about - I'm in the middle of the breaking-up-process and so unsure if it is good do keep in contact (well, we were already engaged!). I do like the idea of beeing friends, but it will definitly take it's time to do so. Maybe even a few years.
Though I'm not friends with my two ex-boyfriends who I had before him.

JacPfef said...

I don't want to be best friends with my exes, but I would like to be able to pick up a phone every now and again to see how they're doing. You share so much for so long - time, families, love, inside jokes, a home in some cases... they become your best friend and the person who knows you better than anyone. How do you stop caring about someone and just start not knowing them?

I say this, but I highly doubt either of my serious exes would so much as friend me on Facebook, let alone answer a phone call. Stubborn.

Leslie said...

My college boyfriend and I found it impossible to be friends. He basically dumped me as a friend when I was having too much trouble getting over the pain. In the end though, I don't like the person he became and I don't want to be his friend.

I'm currently trying to figure this out with another guy. We started as best friends, it was more for a while, and he ended it for reasons that have little to do with me. I'm having a really tough time going back to just being friends. I'm worried I'll always be hoping or be attracted to him. He was patient, but now I'm just putting on a happy face and trying to get back to our friendship. I'm still really unsure if it's a good idea though. I guess we'll see!

Katie K said...

This is going to make me sound like a stalker (I promise I'm not--just a long-time reader with a good memory!) but didn't you have an ex-boyfriend who bought you an iPod and engraved it? For some reason, that's always stuck with me.

I'm from the Miranda Hobbs school of thought: "We didn't work out. You need to not exist." It also helps that most of the men I've dated have been truly awful choices so not having them in my life is actually a really good thing. I have a much worse tendency to become friends with someone, fall in love with them and then have a super awkward friendship with them until it eventually fizzles out, they start dating someone, I become friends with their girlfriend and then they get married.

Kerikins said...

I tried, and it doesn't work. There is always some residual feelings that pop up. I have a friend who is married and he has stayed friends with a woman he dated for years and years. The friendship makes his wife uncomfortable, but he maintains that she is "really cool" and doesn't want to lose the friendship. I don't agree. There are lots of cool chicks out there to be friends with, but they don't have to make your spouse uncomfortable.

Angry Asian said...

there's a saying that i keep close to heart:

If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they are still in love, or never were.

i am not friends with two exes, one because he still loves me and the other because i fear i still love him, in some way. the others, acquaintances on FB & we act like civilized adults should we run into each other.

Specky and Sally said...

Cannot wait to see this movie! Being friends with exes always feels so hard. While I'm friendly with exes when I see them, I've never wanted to continue a friendship after the romantic relationship ends. Sometimes it's easier to just rip off the band-aid and go your separate ways!

Sarah Hope Dickert said...

Not interested in staying friends. I'm totally a bridge burner.

Frances White said...

I'm friends with three out of five of my ex-boyfriends. Two of them even came to our wedding and one is a close friend of mine and my husbands.
The 'first love' boyfriend (who I thought I may marry) and I are friendly on facebook, but will never be able to be real friends. He lives on another continent, which helps!
That said, I think that it's great to be able to stay friends with one's exes. We share big parts of our lives with them and they know us so well, and if it's possible to see them in a way that includes our partners then that's wonderful and special.

Miss Singer said...

I've never stayed friends with any of my exes. Too emotionally straining, and you can't really move on. My friends that do try to stay friends with their exes end up confused, sad, angry... it just never seems to be worth the effort and emotional pain of trying to regress your relationship to the stage of being just friends. It's just too difficult.

jesspoole said...

I'm still friends with some of the not-so-serious boyfriends I had in high school and stuff, but not with any of my more serious ex's. I think once you go there with a person, its hard to watch them with someone new, even if you're over it.

Sam said...

I have four exes and am friends with two of them. I cherish these friendships because these men (along with the others who are no longer in my life) had an great impact on the person I've become today. Like many others who have successful friendships with their exes, we don't see each other on a regular basis and allowed years to pass before our friendships really took off. Although I am going to visit the one I started dating 10 years ago next weekend and since we're both single at this point in our lives... well, wouldn't that be fit for a movie. :)

Panda Head said...

can't wait to see this movie; on the topic of FRIENDS, i very much want to be BESTIES with Rashida Jones. that is all.

amber said...

Tried and didn't work. I think that, especially in lengthier relationships, you carry too many feelings from the relationship into the friendship. In my case, I found that as long as this person was actively in my life (not just the occasional FB comment, like, whatev) I couldn't truly move on. Too messy. Let's just be internet friends.

MJ said...

So weird that you posted this just now, as I broke up with my boyfriend of 2+ years last week and am planning to get coffee with him today after work, to try and still be friends (which I was just discussing with my co-worker over lunch moments before reading this), because he was my best friend for so long. Here's hoping it works for us.

Jamie Farshchi said...

I dated a guy for three years in my late teens/early twenties and we remained somewhat close. We've been friends since we were 11 years old so I think that's probably why we were able to do it. It's not easy though, he has dated two of my close friends (!) which I was never comfortable with and it resulted in two somewhat awkward friend 'breakups'. I just didn't want to hear about all the problems they were having and felt like I was plonked right in the middle when I had no business being there... I suppose that means it hasn't worked at all!

Christina said...

I think it might be possible, after both people have already started other relationships and lives, to be acquaintances. I don't think it's possible to be close friends though: it's weird because you only remember how you used to be with each other and there's always a jealousy factor from the two of you or your new relationships

Christina, bohemianwild.blogspot.com

Erika @ ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

i'm good friends with 2 - 1 has been married, divorced and now engaged again since we broke up - i dunno i think once an "ex" there's a reason, i always wanted them to be happy - i never held onto anything or felt anything afterwards

Karen Agreda said...

I've been in 2 long term relationship that didn't work out. The first one was easy to remain friends with after we broke up. We had known each other since we were kids and we both weren't emotinally invested anymore. The second one was harder and we had to give each other time after we broke up to be apart and move on. It worked out for the best.

xo,
http://www.teenyhippie.com/

plaisirs simples said...

HELL NO you cannot be friends!!! Not if you ever truly loved that person! I still don't understand how people say they stay bffs with that person. Too weird! I feel like you were never truly emotionally invested if you can do that.

Sarah Carlson said...

Joanna, I'm so happy to have seen this post. I was just about to write about the same topic. I broke up with my long term boyfriend just a month ago. It was civilized and mutual, but we agreed to stay friends. I think it's different for every couple. We had realized that our romantic relationship had slowly regressed into friendship. We were pals, not partners. So far, it's been fine. Good even. We're both happier, because we don't worry as much, but we still get to laugh and have jokes. Even just text them if we're bored or are reminded of each other. Thus far, it's working for us and I feel very lucky.

Shea Nichole said...

I stayed friends only once with a serious ex. After 2 years of suppporting one another as friends, hearing about new relationships and etc., we got back together and married a few years later.

So I guess it didn't work out ;)

Sarah said...

I am still friends with my ex and totally adore his wife, but our situation is unusual, given my ex is the reason I met my husband. They're fraternity brothers. Plus, my ex's real brother and the brother's wife live two streets over and are our best friends. It definitely took some time to get to the point we all are now. It's also helped my ex is in the air force and has lived far away for the last several years with only occassional visits.

Anna said...

I think one good outcome of Facebook is that you can remain 'facebook' friends with one another - that way you can pretend like you're still buddies, kinda know what's going on in each other's lives but aside from that have nothing to do with each other. I once said to my husband (when we were dating) because I couldn't hack losing you as a friend. I guess that's why we're married!

Fiona said...

I'm on friendly terms with most of my exes, but I live in a different town from them so we don't really see each other often these days.

My boyfriend is actually living with a guy I had an on-off thing with for a few years during my undergrad. I set it up cause they were both looking for a new place around the same time. It's never come up as weird and we all get along really well!

~ Faith said...

Truth be told, I've never had an ex. My first love is now my husband, but I do find it odd when friends break-up and then still try to hang out as if the break-up never happened.

~F

missris said...

I had about a year long relationship that ended relatively amicably and, I thought, mutually. About a year after that we became friendly again, then friends. We had both been dating other people and I figured everything was copacetic. Until one day he confessed his undying love for me and tried to convince me to break up with my current boyfriend and go back to him. This was TWO YEARS LATER very publicly at my favorite restaurant that I now can't even go to anymore because I was so traumatized. So, no.

jkaye said...

I totally depends on the relationship (as to whether or not you can be friends). I was with someone for a long time and the break up was difficult for both of us, so in that case there was just too much history and hurt to be friends. My most recent ex started calling/emailing/facebooking me approximately 8 months after we broke up. It was too much and made me uncomfortable. I finally felt like I was moving on and BAM! he was there. (How do they know to do that!?) He even went so far as to call my family's home on Christmas morning - eek. I tried to nicely let him know this was inappropriate, but he didn't get it and I finally had to ask him to just stop. And then he says, "But I thought you were friends with your exes?" UGH.

BelleBelle said...

Same EXACT thing happened to me. We hung out and then when we each starting seeing someone else, we got into an enormous fight and haven't spoke since. You are in good company :)

Vivian said...

I used to try before, but I don't bother anymore, I think it's best to move on completely if a relationship doesn't work out and feelings were hurt. However, I believe in remaining civil to one another and on good terms.

Albina said...

i'm gonna to wacth this movie, even in English, cause i haven't seen ad in Russian yea
also i like both there actors,actually theyare my fave

bisbee said...

I would like to see the movie. But...am I friends with my ex? Well...since he moved out while I was at work after 28 years of marriage, that's a "no"! Our kids were grown so we didn't have to communicate...and he was afraid, since he wussed out! Current husband did stay friendly with ex - but they had young children and shared custody. She even came to our wedding!


I'm still not friendly with my ex...only see him once or twice a year, and I really don't recognize him as someone I shared so much of my life with!

BeauDEEful said...

No, I had this ex who was always Mr. Inbetween. I only talked to him when I was single because he was hot and because we had great chemistry and coversation. He had an awful temper though which I knew I couldn't have for a LTR. Haven't talked to him in 2 years.

My high school sweetheart and I are on good terms. We dated for 5 years and it didn't work out. But we're FB friends and I know if I ever needed him he'd be there but we could never have a FRIENDSHIP. We tried it and it was too hard to seperate our friendship history from our relationship. Oh well!

Lele said...

This is actually SUCH a hard question for me right now. I have been great friends with an ex, until I recently got engaged to my boyfriend, and after we got engaged my old friend (ex-boyfriend) got super weird, and now I've had to stop talking to him altogether. I totally thought we had the friendship thing worked out and I really treasured his friendship, but now I dont think I can have him in my life, and definitely had to take him off the guest list.

Its super sad to lose a friend, but alas, we must move on! Time for new beginnings. :)

sian said...

being friends with your ex is the emotional equivalent of picking a scab.

LC said...

Eeeeek! Just watched the trailer and this is WAY too close to home. My ex and I broke up mutually, took a break but were still friendly, then got close again after he had a painful breakup. We were BFF for awhile - vacations, dinners, bar hopping, even moved in with him temporarily while waiting to transfer cross country. Still stayed close, still met up for vacations and visits and the like.

Well - cliche story but he now has an awesome girlfriend, who I really, really like, and he just told me they're moving in together. I'm ridiculously heartbroken, and am confused if it's because our friendship has inevitably changed or have I been harboring a tiny glimmer of hope that somehow we'd try to make it work again. Wouldn't go back and change anything but there you have it!

Alexandra Steinmetz said...

I was invited to one of my ex's wedding this summer (unfortunately couldn't go), and I consider one of my other ex's my best friend in the whole world.

But there are definitely other ex's that I can't even talk to. It's just too much and too difficult for both of us. I think it largely depends on the type of relationship you had.

Rachael said...

I dated a friend I hadn't seen in a long time from high school. It was kind of serious (I lived in his apartment for a while) but then we broke up. Strangely enough (after a time period of hating each other) we are closer friends than when we were just friends in the beginning. I think it's hard to be friends with exes and you can't with most. But every once in a while you come across one and you both realize how good you are as friends so there's no point in giving that up just because you had more at one point.

Marianne said...

I only speak to two of my exes and it's not on a regular basis. We speak once or twice a year and that's good enough. However, me and my husband were college sweethearts, then we broke up and stayed separate for five years. We kept being Friends. He dated someone else for four years and ended up breaking up with her... And we hot back together. And the funny thing is... Me and his ex-girlfriend started speaking and we are really close friends. She even attended our wedding! I love her and it's not weird at all that we are All friends. It just means that old feelings are over.

Moni O. said...

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE MOVIE... I just loved it from the preview!!!

I think you can be friends with an ex..that is after a certain period of time has gone by.. I mean, in one point or another everyone tries this solution..you know..just be friends, be mature..someone always ends up being extremely immature.

Had the experience and I have been able to stay friends with exes...that have been exes for a while..at least two years.

You break up...you don't speak..then you randomly encounter them in a bar, at a friends house, you name it..then, maybe then a nice friendship can begin. But breaking up and trying immediately after it to be friends is just a bunch of garbage...crap..I wanted to say crap.

Mollie D said...

I have stayed friends with almost every one of my exes, one of my exes and his wife are our best friends! I never did the long-term serious relatioship, so staying friends was never a problem. I wouldn't have dated them if I didn't like them, maybe I just didn't like them that way, so why not?

FutureLint said...

I'm still vaguely "friends" with a few guys that I only dated for a few months. The one guy who I dated for 3.5 years, he wanted to be friends after I dumped him, but he screwed that up ROYALLY and now we just awkwardly pretend like the other person isn't in the room at mutual friend's cocktail parties. It's never easy!

LK said...

Wow great timing with this post. I'm getting a beer tonight with my ex. We have a dog so we've stayed in contact because I wasn't going to just take the dog away (although in the long run I suppose the dog would be considered mine). We have only seen each other in passing so it will be interesting. I have no desire to be romantically involved with him and as sad as it is, for the last year+ of our relationship I wasn't romantically interested. I was just comfortable. I'm dating again but have no idea about him. I don't really care. I think ultimately we won't really be friends. People drift apart. It's nice to have a built in dog sitter though. I think we both know that if we get serious with someone else then we'll lose contact, which I'm fine with. Oh dating.

Chelsea said...

I could never be friends with my ex. Probably because it ended badly. I really don't think that it's possible to be casual friends with someone that you have dated though. There's just too much emotion and drama behind your relationship and it's really hard to ignore.

littlecosas.com said...

I agree with many who say you at least need a period of time when you're not talking, after a breakup. My ex and I remained friends after breaking up, but after I started dating someone new, it caused all sorts of problems - for my new girlfriend, who felt insecure about our friendship; for my ex-girlfriend, who was angry about my new relationship. So I called time out. My ex and I haven't been talking for the past two months, and really, it's been healthy, though I do sometimes miss her as a person.

ALSO - planning to see that movie tomorrow and CAN'T WAIT. Looks so good! And maybe it does resonate just a little...

littlecosas.com said...

I agree with many who say you at least need a period of time when you're not talking, after a breakup. My ex and I remained friends after breaking up, but after I started dating someone new, it caused all sorts of problems - for my new girlfriend, who felt insecure about our friendship; for my ex-girlfriend, who was angry about my new relationship. So I called time out. My ex and I haven't been talking for the past two months, and really, it's been healthy, though I do sometimes miss her as a person.

ALSO - planning to see that movie tomorrow and CAN'T WAIT. Looks so good! And maybe it does resonate just a little...

kimalli1 said...

Yep, still friends with my college ex, 12 years later. Mind you, we live in different states now, so the friendship is just an occasional phone call and a once a year visit at Christmas. But my husband has no problem with it, and there is no funny business whatsoever contemplated by either of us. He truly is just a friend.

Lauren Ashley said...

So hard, right?! I have a few ex's I'd never like to see again, but I also have a few I wish I could be friends with. I was the one who typically started dating first, so that ended up making a friendship too difficult to maintain. I guess it's for the best, people come in and out of your life for a reason - just the ending of that season.

Carolina.Lx said...

i'm not a big fan of romantic comedies in general, but this one looks gooood!!
About the exs. Theoretically, totally YES!! in reality: no!

Melissa said...

I am not friends with any of my ex's, but(!) my husband is still friends with his ex-wife. I hate it. For instance, we got married a little over a month ago, and I just posted a bunch of photos from the wedding on facebook. Now she is commenting on them! It is so weird!

Robyn said...

honestly-no -never-i honestly think you can't...unless you ended it and were not in love with that person...but then, what about him/her? there is always a ..maybe...

Erica @ Acire Adventures said...

I've never been able to do it! All my exes (except for my current partner, who was also an ex for a couple years) were anywhere from kind of to majorly emotionally unstable and I've been unable to be friends with any of them. I tried, but they wouldn't date and I would after a while which left a lot of resentment. We generally ended it like mature adults just like you, haha. My mom has actually been able to do it repeatedly. She struggles more with my ex-step-dad, her most recent ex, but it seems like it is because of leftover emotional baggage and personality conflicts. But her high school sweetheart (and ex-fiance) and her have been friends for the 30 or so years since they split which I think is amazing. :) I think it depends totally on the personalities involved.

ever ours said...

i'm curious to get the guys' perspective on this.

i barely talk to my exes and out of respect to my current relationship, i barely reach out to them unless they do. however, my boyfriend still keeps in touch with his most recent ex and thinks it's ok to text/talk online pretty often. his reasoning is that they were friends before they were in a relationship and she'll always be a friend. he's definitely backed down from communication with her after i have said how i think it's disrespectful. but i'd like to hear out what guys think about being friends with ex and if it's possible.

H said...

Oh gosh that movie looks very sad actually, maybe I'm not at the point where I can enjoy watching something like that right now.

I'm so glad you brought this up and I can't wait to read everyone's opinions about this! I'm currently hanging out with a guy who is friends with ALL of his exes, speaks to each of them on a regular basis and it drives me bananas. He doesn't understand why this is a bad thing. We've had "the ex talk" and everything already, I know that he likes me a lot but it's taken a while for him to grow on me. I'm not entirely sure that we'll be dating one day but this may very well be the reason why. He brings them up in conversations, even has a few pictures of them on his phone (!!!) and I'm like, Dude seriously? I don't talk to any of my exes because (like someone said above)it's like trying to bring the past with you into the future and that's just not practical. I have no idea what to tell him to make him see my point of view without sounding like a controlling person so I've kind of stopped mentioning it. But no, I do not think it's wise to stay friends with exes.

H said...

For the record, if an ex were every seriously ill or a parent or family member had just passed away, I would definitely reach out in any way possible to send my condolences, out of respect for them and their family.

Hillary said...

We're definitely civil. We hug when we see each other and ask sincerely how the other is doing, however, we don't call each other to talk, we don't make plans to see each other...so I guess we're not really friends, but friendly acquaintances. It has been several years, though, so we definitely took time to heal and get over the blaming and anger before becoming happy in our new relationships.

Scout and Rice said...

I've never been able to stay friends with exes, but I think it can be done (in theory!). I think if you meet someone that changes your life you don't always have to let them go - you just have to appreciate that the relationship will change if you're not together. You can't be friends in the same way you were a couple, you need to let go of it a little.
If that makes sense.

Allison McGregor said...

I don't think it ever works. People often say the split is mutual but there is ALWAYS one person who cares more, one person who'd rather hold on and so ultimately it just gets too messy when you start to date new people. I've never seen is done actually in real life. TV and movies make it look great but I doubt it truly can work.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5years and when I moved on I could see how much I was hurting him and the cost of being my friend was too much. We're facebook friends but not apart of each others life. I think once you've loved someone theres no going back to seeing them as just a friend

This movie looks amazing. I really want to see it now!

Raquel said...

Never was able to pull this off!

Slayla said...

It surprises me how many people can completely let go of someone who was once so important to you.

Currently getting divorced after being together 8 years. We are not just friends, we are family. (Have no kids.) To avoid pain we avoid seeing each other too much or talking too much, but I believe I will always cherish him and him me. To let that go would be disrespectful to all that he gave me of himself over the years. He is still extremely important to me.

I am friends with of all my exes but one.

katilda said...

it depends on the ex and if i still have feelings. and i have to take into account if THEY still have feelings...because even if i don't, the polite thing to do is to stay away for THEIR sake.

SLG said...

Friendly can be a bit more healthy than "friends". We still occasionally meet one another at the park with our kids, hang out and have brunch with us altogether, but it's only really happening now that we've established our own separate families apart from one another. We were friendly during the inbetween, but not friends. Once you've grown some strong roots of your own, I think it can be fine to reunite and share new memories.

Stephanie said...

My husband and I are both really good friends with a guy I dated for a few months in college. I think the reason it works is that we are ALL friends with each other, as opposed to me carrying on a friendship with the ex solo. In fact, my husband is closer to my ex than I am - they became roommates a year after my ex and I broke up, then my ex was a groomsman in my wedding, and about 2 1/2 years ago the two of them went on a road trip together - without me! So... it's just a tad weird, but we all get along great and it works for us. ;-)

Polly Rowan said...

I don't have any exes (!) but my boyfriend has a couple and he's good friends with one of them. I totally trust him and am comfortable with it. They dated a few years ago now and they've both been with other people so it's ok.

Kelly R said...

I have had this discussion with various people so many times since my ex and I broke up two years ago. We were together nearly six years and he inexplicably ended it. Then he wanted to be friends. I just didn't think it was fair that he could break my heart, realize he still wanted me in his life but only as a friend, on his terms. That seemed pretty selfish to me so it took all of my strength to ignore his calls and emails and then finally tell him that he needed to move on so he'd leave me alone. So no, I do not think you can stay friends with your ex. They are "ex" for a reason.

lessthanperfectmama said...

I think if you feel the need to stay friends then there are unresolved feelings. I always had close male friends before getting married but after a while I realized that if my husband had female friends I'd feel uncomfortable. I let those guy friends go eventually. I think that's part of growing up.

Jessica M. said...

This movie looks awesome! I totally want to see it...

I don't know much about breakups because I never really dated anyone seriously before I met my husband, but I often think about what it would be like if things didn't work out between us. I would want to move to the furthest continent possible, and if I ever saw him with someone else in public I'm not sure what would happen. I'd probably set fire to the building... lol.

Loulou said...

Oh my gosh, I just had a dream about my ex last night and I honestly don't recall ever having dreamed about him before .. and now I see this. My short answer is no, but there is one ex (not the one I dreamed about) with whom I still speak as he is friends of friends so I see him at parties and such. But we really don't have much to say to one another at all now a days. It's kind of weird because at one point in life we thought each other meant life itself! Oh how life moves on!

little lady said...

I'd highly recommend the movie! It's hilarious and unpredictable. I went with my bf who I met seven years ago and we've done it all - dated (long distant until recent), broken up, tried the friend thing, hated each other after the friend thing got weird, and now dating again... and we're good. ;) But it made the movie all the more relevant. Sometimes it's best to keep trying, but sometimes it's best to let go.

www.littleladyinthebigapple.blogspot.com

Franzi said...

Hey Joanna. That's a very interesting question! I try to stay friends (or sometimes only friendly) with all my exes (3). But to be honest: In most cases it still feels strange and weird most of the times. Thus, we only met occasionally.

HRH Susan said...

The movie looks super cute! I would totally see it.

I have stayed friends with 98% of the guys i have broken up with. Most of them were just super casual relationships and friendship was a natural way to go. I don't see the point of hating someone just because one or the other was rejected in some way. Life is too short for such negativity.

In terms of serious boyfriends, There was a guy I dated of and on for YEARS. We cared very deeply for each other, but it just never really worked out. We are still really great friends and my husband is actually going to officiate the ex's wedding in a few months.

We never found it weird and I'm really glad we found a way to still be in each others' lives.

Emily said...

So excited, I'm going to watch this movie tonight! I've managed to stay pretty good friends with all my (adult) ex's. Maybe it can't always work, but for my side of things I just figure there's no reason for me to have hard feelings - no one is perfect, and I figure at some point at the beginning of the relationship we were more just friends anyway.

Maybe it's because I look at things too logically, but it works for me.

Julie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shari said...

I think if the relationship got to a certain level of seriousness, there's no way a real friendship can ever work out. After all there was a reason why you broke up and why it didn't work.

The Romneys said...

I hardly had any exes to stay friends with. My husband had plenty of exes, but he only stayed friends with one... they dated on and off over 3 years, but they were mostly just really good friends. She was actually one of my college roommates, which is how we met. haha And he is only still friends with her because I am still friends with her. She isn't HIS friend, she's OUR friend. In my mind, that's the only way to have friends of the opposite sex when you're married.

Stella said...

Nope! If we have mutual friends or some reason that we see each other occasionally, I am always friendly and nice. But there is no reason to stay friends, especially now that I'm married to another man.

Mary said...

My best friend is my ex boyfriend, not the other way around. But it's all about timing and the relationship. I'd known him my whole life, we'd been friends before we dated, and our relationship was very much a partnership as opposed to a romantic roller coaster. It doesn't work for everyone, and I'm not friends with all my exes, but I think it's definitely possible.
{so excited to see that movie!)

gulia1983 said...

I am going through this right now and thought I could mantain a friendship, but recently just had a huge blow out fight where I said some of the most hurtful things I have ever said to a person that I truly care about. So for me? I wish I could and I find it very hard to let somebody completly go... But I am finding that it is most necessary to actually get over the person fully. I personally think it depends on your personality and how you deal with things emotionally.

Loretta Flower said...

Wow, these comments are all so discouraging.

My former fiance and I are actually good friends. We have boundaries, for sure, but I spent almost eleven years of my life loving this person. It took three years of not talking, and crying and hating him and then really moving on, but since then, I've really enjoyed the chances I've had to catch up with him and our relationship has morphed into a friendship that is filled with mutual respect and understanding.

It honestly just wasn't the right relationship for either of us to stay in, and we both are very keenly aware of that fact, so we're happy to be friends. Life is short, and the people that end up truly knowing you and accepting you are few and far between--in my opinion it's well worth the work, maturity, and self-control to keep them in your life.

fleur_delicious said...

nope. My boyfriend of two years just doesn't keep in touch with anyone he doesn't see on a regular basis. The cooling-off period (after it was really, truly over) pretty much killed the lines of communication. We're friends on fb, and once when he came up to Seattle, my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I put him up and the three of us stayed up late, playing games. SO, I guess if circumstances throw us together, sure, we get along just fine - but the old bond isn't there and hasn't been for a long time. And that's alright. It's okay to close one door in your life. There was a reason you broke up - for us, my heart just changed. I met someone else and immediately knew the new person was The One (and I was right - we've been together 11 years now). But even if that hadn't, there were essential important differences that would have ended it eventually. I think this idea that you have to "stay friends" to prove that you are mature is silly. It's just as mature to move forward with your lives and establish new and different social circles.

fleur_delicious said...

(I should say: my ex-boyfriend!! He was the only boyfriend I ever really had before I met the guy I moved in with and married, so I think of him as the only one bearing that title!)

Corrie Anne said...

This is really a fascinating topic. I think it is soooooooo unlikely for a guy & a girl to be bffs. Eventually one of them is going to feel something different... However, I feel like AFTER that moment has passed for one reason or another, they can be friends. Once that's been hashed out -- if that makes any sense. Otherwise someone will eventually end up wondering... I saw Friends with Kids recently... kind of along the same vibe.

Corrie Anne said...

To answer the question for myself... I stayed friends with several for a while. Now that I'm married, I only keep in touch with one. But am facebook friends with all -- because that's such a true friendship. Haha.

kater said...

I haven't. My last long-term relationship ended, and he said he wanted to remain friends and in each other's lives (he broke up with me, for the record--at the time I didn't want to, but in hindsight it's been a very good thing and I am glad we aren't together anymore). I said I wasn't sure I could do that, but we could try it. And then he never spoke to me, even though he said we would. I didn't hear a peep from him until he got wind I had started seeing someone else.

At this point I have no interest in being friends or speaking to him, because there doesn't seem to be any point right now.

I don't talk to my other exes because, well, they're mostly from high school and honestly we don't have anything in common anymore?

Ugh. So we'll see, I'm single in my twenties and kind of having a love/hate thing with dating right now. We'll see!

Sandy Yin said...

That looks like a sweet movie! I've remained "on good terms" with my exes, but not friends. It's a little bit like occasionally sitting in the living room of an apartment you once had. It's nice, you made good memories, but it's not really a part of your life anymore.

Sunshine par said...

Only once I have stayed friends with a ex boyfriend, but we did not have a long time relationship. I even went to his wedding, and we have just a friendship of speaking from time to time.
On the other hand, my last boyfriend left me because of a girl that he use to date on and off for 10 years, despite she had boyfriend. After not making contact with her for 2 years and meeting me after these 2 years 6 months after we start to go out he happen to meet her again and as soon as she found out that he had a girlfriend and was happy did everything for him to fall for her again, with promises to leave the current boyfriend. I just hope that it will not work out once more, but that is because I am still brokenhearted and I wish him to come back to me.

face said...

I am surprised to be in the minority by such a huge margin.

I am friends with *all* of my exes--- best friends with a couple of them, as is my partner--- and we often become close with each other's formers.

I am of the belief system that if you have a person in your life that is important to you for a significant amount of time, that it is tragic to sever ties--- if you have the option of transforming it into a healthy and supportive relationship--- why wouldn't you?

Rarely, there are pangs of boundary/confusion. But they have always been very fleeting.

I am genuinely happy for their successes and supportive when they are in need, and they return those feelings.

I know this doesn't work for every relationship, especially in the instances of abuse or extreme dysfunction. But it has worked so well for me, and for the people in my life. I love 'em.
I couldn't have it any other way.

Notes from Holly St. said...

I'm so excited to see this movie this weekend! I love both Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg. As for staying friends with exes, I tried it once and it ended badly. I think there's too much emotional baggage there for it to work long term.

Katelyn said...

I am 22 and would consider the guy I dated in HS one of my closest friends.
And it's not weird for us at all for some reason.
We get together for drinks or coffee whenever I'm in CO visiting my family, where he still lives. I'm now in a serious relationship and so is he, but honestly I've never even thought anything of it. We have a lot in common, shared some rad memories from HS and then just broke up in college because we realized we were just both on different paths.
We always joke about making toasts at each others weddings!

HannahT said...

My boyfriend [of 3+ years] and I broke up 6 months ago. We are working together on a project that we started before the breakup -- a very important one. The breakup was amicable and we had been friends for years before we even started dating. We are a good pair but need the time to grow as individuals [we had been dating since college]. We both hope that things will work out and, one day, we can be together again. Needless to say, it's been difficult.

My initial reasoning was that we had to 'detox' from each other, but he insists that we stay a part of each other's lives. Of course, the professional venture makes it impossible for us not to be in contact at least to a degree but he wants to continue spending time together as friends [but doesnt it always feel like MORE? Especially after a few drinks?!]

In the past, I have always taken that detox time with exes and some of them I was able to be friends with. But I've never ended a relationship with someone thinking we could be together again.

I'm curious what people think about this. If you hope to reunite one day, is it better or worse to cut ties completely? If we dont take advantage of the space, are we ruining our chances?Or does it make it MORE likely we'll be together down the line if we stay close?

Erin W. said...

I have a serious problem with letting go of people in my life and the fact that someone you are/were very close to can just be completely cut out of your life forever seems very sad to me. But, at the same time I think it's such a difficult transition to make and there will always be some kind of feelings and emotions that make it hard.

bintheknow said...

I have tried the whole being friends thing and it is just weird and really hard - and honestly, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think it is that doable. I am currently dating my ex and it has not taken me long to realize again why he was my ex - so now we get to go through the whole break-up thing again (hoping he doesn't read this because that would be an awkward way to break up) - but he is great and I care about him a lot, but I just do not think we are good for one another. Which really sucks, because we do not know how to just be friends so saying good bye to the relationship is really saying good-bye to him. And that makes me super sad, but I know it will be better for both of us in the end.
Much love,
B

Magdalena said...

With men I have dated casually, yes!
With men I have been in a serious relationship with? heck to the no. I don't think it would be healthy for me.

goodnightstars said...

Most of the guys I've dated (no relationship, just went on several dates), I'm still friends with. Or at least we're friendly.

But the one guy I ever fell in love with broke my heart and we are no longer friends. It was a really sad loss.

Anywho! I'm currently really good friends with my last ex. But then again, I was never in love with him (which is why I ended it), so it's not hard for me. I hope it's not too hard for him...

Geetika Rudra said...

I don't think I'd stay friends with an ex, but at the same time how could you go from having a relationship with something to just...nothing? It's probably very difficult.

www.readgeetikasblog.blogspot.com

Kate said...

@Angry Asian - I wish to heaven I'd known that quote before and during the years of 2004-2008. It took me a long time to realize that trying to hold on as friends as absolutely no different than trying to hold on to the relationship - the jealousy, the confusion, the attraction - which I guess is why I made such a concerted effort to never date or even drunkenly kiss the guys I know I'm going to be friends with for the rest of my life.

Great post, good things to think about.

Emikos Werid Unexplained thoughts said...

Soo I have a friend like that I have actually I wish I didn't have to be grown up and commit its hard but I'm fine when they have gf but if I do its we Iii lol I wanna see the movie I never liked stuff like this but I related and still do my best friend said that I'm a different breed of women its hard nit to fall eh idk about that. LOL great post I needed it.

Jen R said...

I'm friends with almost all my exs, including a boyfriend of 7 years, and an ex-fiancee. I'll admit that it is hard at first, but now they are good and healthy relationships.

The domestic novice said...

Nope - only ever causes problems with your future because you're constantly reminded of the past.

ROXY MARJ said...

I've stayed friends with most my exes. I don't see the point in ending things horribly, you liked them for a reason and it just so happened that it wasn't working. Plus, it just makes me happy to see others happy. :] HOWEVER, with that said... from my own personal experience, I think it best to not hang out or talk to your ex until you have moved on.... otherwise you're in for a lot of heartache when those hopeful feelings aren't reciprocated... I learned the hard way.

rafa. said...

It is difficult but after 2 years of a heartbroken separation me an my ex now are ok with that. Is hard for my actual boyfriend understand, but my ex is my best friend. When i say best friend i mean really best friend because i told him everything, i told him about the first date i had with my actual boyfriend, i'm always asking for relationships advices, life advices and things like that.
We went through a long and hard journey because is hard to our families too, but is like we are brothers or something strong like that.. is a friendship we cant just put in a garbage.
There's no jealous or attraction, is something pure and sureal (and strange for everybody)

I don't see why cut ties completely if is a person that you still love in a friend way or in a tender way.

Mo said...

Great discussion topic. I think it's possible to be acquaintances with an ex, close friend? No. I have two exes: one was an innocent high school/early college relationship that ended as well as breakups could. We are still friendly (chat 2x a year/birthday greetings, etc). The other was a deep, first love, thought-we'd-get-married relationship that ended HORRIBLY. We don't talk, and the few times we've tried, it's been awkward and sometimes painful. I guess a huge factor is the level of commitment and how deep the relationship was.

Alphabitty said...

I will definitely be seeing the movie - love all the stars! I have not remained friends with my exes and neither has my husband. I just think that there is an intimacy with an ex that I wouldn't be comfortable having with anyone but my husband. Love your blog!

http://alphabitty.com - Toby needs one!!

Meg said...

A couple of things I'd like to point out, after reading ALL the comments (!!) ;

It seems that FaceBook provides people with what they really want in this situation, which is to continue to know what the other person is up to. I would question whether such superficial relations were necessary or healthy, but I spose that's cos I don't have FB, so I don't really understand the full dynamics of it.

I'm also concerned that so many people seem to think that being friends is the "mature" choice. Surely what is mature is to realise there are boundaries to what one can expect from someone they have known so intimately, and as a mature person we should simply wish them no ill.

I find it disrespectful to even the prospect of a new relationship to continue to foster a friendship with an ex, if you have all this energy to pour into making a friendship "work", why can't you make the effort on your romantic relationship? In today's world, with people's ideas of right and wrong being what they are, how can you guarantee that your ex respects your current relationship? How can you be sure they're not harbouring hopes of getting back together, or at the very least, a quickie? You can't. So don't play with fire.

leah said...

I got married, and divored, early - by the time I was twenty-five I had ended a five year marriage. I had known him for a long time, so I thought it may work to stay friends. We had been friends long before we dated or married, so why not?

Yeah, that didn't work well. Similiar to your story, we hung out a couple times, but then as we both started to move on and date other people, or really as i started to date other people, it took an emotional toll on him. I felt bad because I felt like I was hurting him, and when needing to explain to a potential new boyfriend that I was grabbing lunch with my ex... that was awkward.

I think that while it may be hard to cut ties completely, if you can - do it. If you are able to go to a friendly-but-not-friends relationship do that.

the lil bee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marty J. Christopher said...

I have very strong opinions about friendship with an ex. I have two exes who I was friends with post-breakup, so lord knows I've given it a try. Overall, though, I think you're trying to fill some void in your life that should really be filled elsewhere. I also echo the sentiment of some of the commenters above me when I say that it's disrespectful to your current or potential partners, too. I know that if I was with someone who was friends with their ex, I would not be comfortable with that. I would wonder what I wasn't able to give him that he was still getting from her. The only exception where I think friendship may be okay is if it wasn't serious. For instance if you met someone, dated a few times and (and this is the key ingredient for success) neither of you was attracted to the other, but you got along swell, then a friendship might be acceptable. However, I find this RARELY happens. A lot of people say it happens, but really they're just, to very loosely paraphrase a Chris Rock joke, riding the friendship train because they got stuck in the friend zone. Assuming the exes in question are straight, I really just think this is an extension of the larger conversation of men and women being friends, which I think happens, but again RARELY. I've had a TON of male friends over the years, but only one who I think we are actually friends and there was never an issue of sex getting in the way. We are not super close, but we check in with one another and chat about music and stuff. If I was super close with him, I guarantee you the sex thing would have ruined it eventually. I think that Nora Ephron and Chris Rock have it right: you can't be friends with men, including (if you're straight) your exes.

Lil T said...

I think if you love someone...you love someone. In my case, my college exe of 5 years and I knew that we loved each other as people bu not as partners. That's not to say our breakup was easy because it wasn't...but deep down we both knew that we wanted something other than what we had together. The first year after we broke up we limited our conversations and our hanging out...and gradually we redefined our friendship to what we wanted and what it is. Still till this day he is one if my closest confidants. We are still dear friends....and we are happily and lovingly married to other people. I adore his wife and consider her a friend in her own right... And my husband and he are also good friends. For us, it works. Our friendship and love is one of the things I'm most proud of in my life. It's hard being mature but it's easy to follow ones heart and do what is right.

Kate said...

i never understood the assertion that it's disrespectful to the person you are currently dating. in an ideal world, if you cared about someone once, and it didn't end disastrously, then it seems perfectly reasonable (to me--i know i'm in the minority) to maintain a friendship with an ex. especially, if all parties are honest, and open, and totally over it. obviously, though (drats) it very seldom works out. truth is, i know very few people who have been able to successfully do it. it somehow never really sticks, even if there are no romantic feelings anymore. but it always strikes me as sad to lose someone you were once very close to. and it never really gets easier.

Emily C said...

Definitely depends on the breaking - up couple. In one case, a long term boyfriend and I broke up in college, it was dramatic, ridiculous, but I insisted that we still be friends. Despite not working out romantically, I obviously really liked him as a person too, and I mean, why would I shut him out of my life when we weren't dating? It was weird and hard at first but 5 years later we're still good friends, and there was no drama, ever - my husband and he are good friends as well. So, it can work! It's ok!

In the case of other breakups, I realized there wasn't much of a friendship in there to begin with, so we didn't stay close, which is also ok!

girlseeksplace said...

One of my exes and I have stayed in contact (maybe a few times a year) but we are not friends. My other ex and I don't speak.

Carla said...

A resounding NO. My exes make me cringe. I have the worst dating history ever. haha.

Jade Sheldon said...

I'm really excited about this movie. Love the actors.

I couldn't stay friends with my ex. I honestly don't know anyone who has ever been able to make a friendship work with an ex.

Kahani said...

I think trying to remain friends right off just doesn't work. You definitely need a good long break until seeing them doesn't make your heart crack a little and you're happily dating someone else. But a great part of the healing process is to stay in touch (lightly) once a year or so and then reconnect years down the road.
I say this because I don't get involved lightly and even if the relationships failed, they were and are great guys and meant something to me and I to them. People who make an impact on your lives can't leave without creating a hole. So I like them to come back later on, when it doesn't sting and I can laugh at their jokes again, and fill it with something new.

Lauren Doxey said...

A lot of my friends stay friends with my exes and I always feel baffled by that. I really don't understand how you can be friends with an ex, I really just don't get it. I could never do that! But I guess everybody is different and works for some people!

Dorota said...

i think it's really hard to be friend with your ex, even after a year or two years from your break-up. I guess it's because of sentiment, it's kind of like you will always love this person in some way.

Steph said...

I have always wanted to stay friends but have been unable with the serious boyfriends. My boyfriend has remained friends with the majority of his exes including serious relationships (one of them is a very close friend). Although I thinks its mature of him and I want to be cool about it, its created a bit of a jealousy issue for me.

Carol Rial said...

I stayed friends with my ex. We went through a lot while being together, serious sicknesses included, so it was logical we would be friends forever. After ten years, we still are, but actually it was not so easy as we thought, especially when I met my current partner (because he kept behaving as he was the boyfriend) and very especially when I told him 2 years ago we were expecting our baby.

It's possible but not easy. Btw,would love to watch this movie.

World Of Amici said...

My uncle one told me that you cannot be friends with your exs. I did not understand this and tried very hard to prove him wrong. I tried to stay friends with my ex because we didn't have a tragic break up, we just grew apart. However I did move to another continent shortly after, he did get engaged and so much other stuff came out about our relationship prior to our break up. Once I came home, he did try to get back together even though he was engaged to someone else which infuriated me. In the end, like always, we had a huge fight and never spoke again. I realise now that no, you cannot be friends because one person is always holding onto hope. If it's not you right now, it might be next week when he does something cute and you just end up going in a circle until someone cant take it anymore. I sincerely think because you shared so much with that person there is no possible way you can be comfortable friends.

Mindy Day said...


i am friends with all my exes, I hate awkward moments so I kind of ensured that I never avoided parties if they were there, and kind of made myself check up on them, and their family, and now I count them as some of my best friends.

But the relationships ended amicably, I'm not so sure how I would have felt if they hadn't

theannaadventures said...

He dumped me and wanted to be friends. He also left a note saying 'Fuck bitches get money' on his fridge. Guess what my decision ended up being...!

Dominique said...

Hell no! FB has brought too many ex's to the surface, only to remind me why it was better we were apart.

So R. said...

i stayed friends with guy i dated for a while, we broke up because i moved to barcelona and he moved to london at the time it seemed right, at the begining it was hard but now that we both live in the same city again we hang out a lot... he dates other girls and i have a boyfriend and it's not complicated at all, but that is like one in a bunch of other exboyfriends i cannot possibly be friends with.

Elephants said...

I tried this and would not recommend it.

Jane Bond said...

This movie looks great! Hope I can find time to see it!

My basic rule of thumb is if a person's seen me naked (not in the 'let's go streaking or a bunch of us have gone skinny dipping when we were silly drunk and young' sense) I don't want to be their friend. I'm acquaintances with all of my exes since with most of them we have some mutual friends and if we run into each other a little 'hi, how are you?' is fine and I'm happy being cordial but that's pretty much where it ends for me.

librariane said...

so wrong, and it never ends well. someone's feelings get hurt. yet it seems like such a good idea at the time because you still love them more than you hate them

Alex Campbell, Development Assistant said...

My ex and I tried to be friends but we kept falling into a toxic spiral where we would get back together every couple of years, just to realize again that we had outgrown each other (something we already knew). Two years ago we decided to cut ties and have both moved on to other people. I still miss him as a friend but we are both so much happier now in our functional relationships.

Zenkichi said...

i don't believe in friendship with exes. it just creates complicated emotions that turn into stressful times that you'd rather both live without. my theory is that once you step into a serious relationship with someone there is a definite risk of losing that person as a friend once you break up. but you'd rather give it a shot anyway because you like/love that person so much. once a relationship ends so does the friendship and it's hard to deal with the loss, but there is always a brighter/happier future that lies ahead.

Unsure of what the situation would be if you divorce with kids though...

Stephanie said...

I saw Celeste and Jesse last night and really appreciated it. I think it really got at the complexities of relationships in a fun AND heart wrenching way. Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Lee Bobbitt said...

My roomie and I went to see this last night. We loved it! The movie was honest, romantic, and fun. Definitely tugs at your heart strings a bit.

Jessica Cole said...

I don't generally stay friends with ex's. Especially now I am married with children. I never dated them because I wanted them to be friends, it was romantic. Sure there are friendship elements in those relationships but my husband is my best friend now. And besides, if he kept in contact with his previous girlfriends I would not be so happy!! Haha :-)

texy jo said...

I think yes, exes can be friends. I have managed it with the ex-boyfriend that meant the most to me. It was difficult. It took patience: I had to wait a year or more with almost no contact, which after years together felt devastating at times. But then it was worth it to reconnect when time had passed and we had both grown enough to associate the painful bits with the people we used to be, as opposed to the people we had become. I am so glad I still have someone in my life who was there for some of my happiest memories. Who else could I laugh about those times with? Who else would really understand how special they were?
We dated for three years, were in love for two of those years, and have been friends for eleven years since the break-up. There are no romantic feelings anymore and the friend feelings overwhelm even the memory of the romance. The difficulty I have is helping my husband to understand.

Julie M. said...

I am still friends with all my exes. I think it's healthy to stay connected with people from the past, to remind you who you were, and how you changed. To my opinion, not being able to do so means that there is still strong feelings towards the other one. It takes time though to have your feelings muting from love to friendship.
This movie looks really moving, I will defiantly see it ;)

Rea said...

I agree with Julie M - friends with almost all my exes. They were (important) part of my life.

Marie-Eve said...

I tried but it's really too hard, and now that I'm in a serious relashionship that just seems weird ! There's only so much a friend should know about yourself !

My Blog - A Pretty Nest

Joanna Kapica said...

I think it is too hard. To much things, that used to mean "we" and now it's "you" and "I". No, staying friends with ex is not a good idea.

K. said...

I'm less than a month away from marrying the ex I stayed friends with through three other exes.

Sorry, dudes - I liked him the most.

anilia said...

I am best friends with my high school sweetheart. He lives in a house with his wife across the street from my husband and I. My ex and his wife are also my child's godparents. I never put up with any other guy who saw our friendship as a problem. We are all good friends and depend on each other in all kinds of ways. We all know the boundaries and treat each other with respect.

Eliza Jane said...

I have managed to stay friendly with some of my exes, but I wouldn't say I was *friends* with them....

blendedbaby said...

Casual dates, yes, cos we didn't do anything and it's not weird. But proper relationship ex-s, not till after we've moved on and then moved on some more... meaning years later and we've seen many other people and perhaps married already, that's even better.

Miss Stovetop said...

You know, I was in a long distance relationship with a guy and saw him like twice a year (yes, that distant). So when we did break up, he still wanted to be friends, but I was so heartbroken I just couldn't see myself and him being friends and making casual talk, pretending we were never in love. We were 21 then. Now, a decade later when I see him on FB, I think we could be friends without being weird, especially now that I'm married and he is engaged; but I just don't know if its appropriate.

Anna said...

NEVER EVER EVER! In Costa Rica we say: "where there was fire there is ashes" (doesn't make any sense?)
In my case was just repulsion :( YIKES!

Sarah @ Designs Good said...

Hell to the NO!

I have a friend that is friends will ALL of her exes (that's many exes, mind you) and it's always become an issue with whoever her current BF is. This is almost always one of the cited in her breakups because she won't budge. I dunno who's right in that case, but I just can't do it.

Amyjo said...

I am very good friends with my ex-husband. We separated early enough (after 8 years of marriage) that we still loved and liked each other but realized we were more "best friends" than "a married couple". We both wanted more out of our relationship. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend and all 4 of us are friends. The boyfriend and girlfriend know there is absolutely no way we'd get back together, so there's no awkwardness. We actually discuss our current relationships and since we know each other so well and have been through some of the same things together, it is very helpful.

amiechristo said...

I've never had an ex, so I wouldn't know how I would react in such a situation. For me, it would have to be something that's mutually agreed upon by both parties and if it bothers a new significant other, something that's looked at and maybe changed.

However, I am dying to see this movie and Jones is so flawfree.

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36414bfe-fa1f-11e1-87e7-000bcdcb471e said...

Gotta say, it's not as easy as it seems or the way you think of it but truth is I'm still really good, if not best, friends with one of my exes. I'm currently in a relationship and we've been together going on a year now. He knows about it. But this ex and I just didn't have those feelings anymore after a while. It really just depends on the relationship.

Anonymous said...

I live in united state, Two years ago i married a lady called saline, we had two children together, we were very happy to be husband and wife, so when i travel on business trip to Brazil, i spent 1 years in Brazil due to my kind of business, i and my wife talked on phone all the time, we chat on the Internet, i never knew that my wife had started cheating on me by going out with her old school friend called mark, i never knew something was going wrong till i came back from my trip, then i and My wife started having problems, she goes out and come back late at night, she changed in a strange way that i could not endure, i tried to do everything to please her but it got worst, so one day she left the house and never came back, i tried reaching her but no way i could reach her, i never knew she traveled with her new lover which was mark, i wanted her so much because of the children she left for me and because i loved her so much too, because of the heart break she has put me into, i went into search of a real magic spell caster I was scammed twice by a spell caster, but I never relented in my search because I want a happy life with my wife, so one morning i saw testimony about a spell caster prophet harry, so i contacted him and to my greatest surprise this prophetharry@ymail.com made life manful for me again, my wife came back to me after 3 days of a love spell from this great prophetharry, i took her back and I am now settled with my wife by the magic power of prophet harry spell .
James moon'

Tweako123 said...

im best friends with one of my exs its not hard if u both agree that even tho the past happened ur better off friends. another one of my exs ended up married to my cousin who is one of my best friends and because of that me and my ex are good friends of us are happily married and we all four go out on double dates quite often. so honestly as long as both u and ur ex are really better off friends and there is no hidden love for them or what u had then u can stay friends. i have ex who i cant even stand to be in the same city with because of all the hurt and the lies that lead to our break up

mama said...



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Tunde Bagwell said...

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Benson said...


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Keyla said...

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ogugu temple said...

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madam rita said...



My ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Dr Black spell.you are truly talented and gifted. Email: blackspiritualtemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man.

prophet salifu said...


My girlfriend recently ended a 2 year relationship a few weeks ago. She said she wanted more time to do her own thing and not have to worry about being with someone. To me that meant she was looking for other people. But now shes saying shed rather not hook up with random guys, but i want to thanks to prophetsalifu@gmail.com from the bottom of my heart. after i received a love spell form prophet after some days my girlfriend realize that it was a mistake for living me for another guy. I happy now that things are better since prophet salifu cast the spell to my girlfriend back.

madam rita said...


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jenny said...

Me and my ex breakup 4 months ago and i was so depressed and devastated in getting him back.A friend of mine introduce me to a spell caster and i tell him my problem and i was guaranteed with 3 days to get my result and guest what the great miracle fell on me the third day and truly my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness even when i cost everything.God has truly blessed you with a very special gift. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the time that you took with me and helping me to get my ex back, i am so happy lordzshivaspell@gmail.com. You are the perfect spell caster i have ever met,you can contact him with this email lordzshivaspell@gmail.com he can help you all

michell2ii said...


i just want to start this way by giving a huge thanks to this man DR ABULU for what he has just done today in my life . at first i thought it won,t work because many has failed me before but on a second thought i said let me just try and to my best surprises Micheal my husband that said and insist he has nothing to do with me and my family called me immediately this great man DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com ) cast a love spell on him and started begging for forgiveness well i love him so much and at once i accepted him back and today we are both living in pace and harmony, all the same the glory is to this man DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com DOC I THANK YOU once again for you are worthy of all the thanks in my mouth today and forever am grateful and shall ever be to you . i also want to say if you are out there passing through a similar stuff or issues you can contact him today and i bi live him will also help you out ,,,,

mama said...

'My name is Vera I am from United States, I was I a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day I can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because I answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but I refused, and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love Ben very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster Temple of love. if you need his help you can contact him on templeoflove1@gmail.com

JORDI said...

i appreciate all you have done for me Dr.Zabaza.my name is Jordi My girlfriend left me for another guy but thanks to Dr.Zabaza for helping me get her back within 72hours. You can contact Dr. Zabaza at : zabazalogan@yahoo.com or call him on +2348182620374. He is the perfect man to bring back your lost lover




JORDI

peace said...

peace

When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found orizutemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did provide her with the 300euro that he requested of me and trusted her. She performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 2 weeks, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. help me to say Thank you dr orizu of orizutemple@gmail.com

beauty said...

SANDY FROM PHILADELPHIA
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Thank you so much and i want you all to thank priestdragmans@gmail.com for his good works in our life's

peace said...

Deborah

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SOPHIA said...

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Anonymous said...


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WELCOME TO TEMPLE OF SOLUTION said...

Hello every one,

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Alvaro Lorey said...

This is my story my boyfriend of four years suddenlly break up with me saying he do not think am the right woman for him that he do not want to break my heart that he is scared that he still loves me but we cant just be together i spent days weeping and thinking of what to do untill two days ago when i came across this email address on the internet earlierthebetterspelltemple@gmail.com on the comment forum some one was testifying of how he got help from the temple so i decided to contact the temple i contact the temple immediately and explain my wishes to the temple and they ask me to wait for three days which i did and my ex came back to me right now am so happy cause we are planning our marriage i will never forget you for your kindness i will keep on testifying your good work

smith said...


Hi My name is “Smith" just want to share my experience with the world on
how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with
3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a
fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he
filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with
me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but
everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went
ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing
worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful,
great spell caster okosisi.temple@gmail.com who eventually helped me
out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try
reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special
prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry
for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we
continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our
fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems
across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share
my Dr okosisi.temple@gmail.com

michell2ii said...

HI AM JULIO DA Sanchez’s, Am from Madrid Spain . with this great tears of joy and happiness in my heart today I want to give an unlimited thanks to this man Called DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com and also share my testimonies with this great man on how I was able to get my husband and my kids back to my arms once again after two years and after I thought all hope was lost in getting back my family .well and happy today I have my family back and I want to say to the whole world what would I have done if not for DR ABULU that I saw a testimony share on the internet by miss MICHELL FROM AUSTRALIA and I also contacted this man for help and he also did my own for me and to day am back with my husband |ALONSO DA SANCHEZ,S and my kids are happy with us . so I want to am very happy today and I want to say to everyone on this site that I will always remain thankful to this man DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com for all this he has done for me, thanks to you once again DR for am grateful to you and will always be

JORDI said...

I met this man Dr.Zabaza by his name, I broke up with my ex but now i want him back i have tried all means to get him but all was in veil. A friend introduce this online spell caster called Dr.Zabaza to me who helped me to get my ex back without no stress. If you are in this kind of condition, i will advice you to give it a try and you will be a happy person like me Contact: zabazalogan@yahoo.com or call +2348182620374 For assistance

JORDI said...

I met this man Dr.Zabaza by his name, I broke up with my ex but now i want him back i have tried all means to get him but all was in veil. A friend introduce this online spell caster called Dr.Zabaza to me who helped me to get my ex back without no stress. If you are in this kind of condition, i will advice you to give it a try and you will be a happy person like me Contact: zabazalogan@yahoo.com or call +2348182620374 For assistance

Benson said...


The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this, wiseindividualspell@gmail.com is the best spell caster in the world.

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