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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Making friends as an adult

Alex wrote an article for last Sunday's New York Times about how hard it can be to make close friends in your thirties and forties. The astonishing thing is what a nerve his story has hit. The article has been viewed a gazillion times and is getting a record number of comments. It's fascinating to realize how many people feel the same way.

Read the story here, if you'd like, and weigh in: Have you, too, found it hard to make new friends after college? Do you wish you had more close friends these days? Do you ever find it awkward to "ask someone out"?

P.S. Seinfeld's take. :)

(Illustrations by Roman Muradov for the New York Times)

276 comments:

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Andrea said...

I actually read this article last weekend and loved it. Can't believe that was your husband. Cheers to him!

Anonymous said...

HA! I see things the other way around. I didn't get to choose my high school friends - I had to pick what was most suitable from what was available.

I'm someone who has found it far easier making friends after school and uni. Partly to do with my increase in confidence, partly to do with the fact that I proiritise friendship and developing them.

If anything, I find I'm droping old school friends more because they don't fit with who I am now and the positive influence I want in my life.

Making new friends is hard but so rewarding.

Katie said...

I found Alex's piece fascinating. I am in the Foreign Service, where I pick up and move every few years. It very much meets the criteria the article gives for situations in which one makes close friends--proximity (we often even live in the same buildings); repeated, unplanned interactions (at work, around our housing); and openness to making friends (we all move around every few years and need new friend circles at each place).

But I am always trying to find non-work friends in each new city, and it rarely works... I meet nice people, think we hit it off, and then rarely get an email back. I find it really frustrating as I'd love to expand my social life outside of work, but it never seems to happen.

Loved this piece. Such a good conversation starter!

-Katie H.

jojo encourages said...

It is so true - I think its harder to make friends anytime after finishing uni and moving to a new place. Uni creates such an open environment for people to share and to be open to new friendships, new ideas, most probably because people are more vulnerable and NEED friends! Maybe we should all be keeping an eye out for those people who look a little lonely in the workplace, church, or other places..

gabrilea said...

Loved Alex article. I am only 26 (well will be after couple of days) but even now I feel more confused about making friends.

I guess, when we are younger we more believe in everyone, more trust.When we get older it is hard to let down your ego and say, ok look, I am not as good as you are ( or earn, or play ar whatever), but I would love to be friends, as I like your company.

the only thing that helps me - is humor. Not everyone understands it, but if they are it is good feeling to make someone laugh.

And another kind of strange thing about friends, that I am more to that type of friend- when others comes and say all what is bad going with them and I try to see positive things or help.

I am not shure is it good or bad. But I love to help if I can. But do not like to say what I feel to others, even to friends, maybe even very close friends. I guess it is bad thing to do- to be so closed, thats why I started to write blog, it is easier to say about feeling in a paper,and not to eyes.

G

Emma said...

I am originaly from Holland and after 1.5 years in France I have now lived in Sweden (Stockholm) since many years. Here people tend to be VERY reserved (they even call informal social chit-chatting 'cold talk' which they generally hate and try to avoid). People here even tend to avoid eyecontact (on the street, train etc.). I have learned that courses are completely useless for making friends because the people do not talk to eachother and hardly even greet.
Most successful I have been with making contacts amongst other foreigners (e.g. via ex pats clubs). I have both male (platonic) friends and female ones. Swedes I tend to get along best with are those who are more international (those who have lived abroad or who have or had a none-Swedish partner). I do not try to find friends that can fill all my needs but I have bar/dinner friends, jogging friends, wise conversation friends etc...

Emma said...

I am a 40+ single woman, without children, living in Sweden. (see previous post). My experience is that during recent years it has become easier to make friends, for various reasons:
* Many people between 35-45 get divorced and then want to make new (single) friends
* People with small children are often too busy to socialize and when they meet other people with small children.
Now that they are over 40, there children are bigger and starting to leave the nest, and they want to meet people again. And not just other couples wih children...
*post-40 (post-mid life crisis) people are generally more relaxed about their careers. They have already achieved so much and have realized that although work is still important, their social life (friends and family) is more important.
* social media like facebook has created more platforms to interact with eachother. They do not replace contacts IRL but rather trigger that these happen, e.g. when somebody posts 'who would like to join me at so ad so restaurant tonight'?

Mairead said...

I really enjoyed reading the article and some of the comments afterwards. It was particularly interesting to read the comments from people in their 60's and realise that really your 30's are like a turning point where most peoples lives change direction. You will probably keep a few of your long term friends but will eventually be just as close to people who you meet as a parent - lots more good friendships to look forward to but I agree, it's hard to get past the level of casual friend at the moment. I live in the UK but all my close friends are in Ireland and i do miss the closeness.

You might enjoy this link - it's very relevant to the article. It is a British comedy about a Church of England Vicar - very funny. In this episode he tries to make a new friend.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00t8b55

Jonas said...

This really hits the nail on the head, my wife and I have been discussing almost all of these issue, were both in our early 40's. It kills my wife that I have few friends around, not having gone to college and moving to the US from abroad. Better get busy making some new friends.

Lost in Provence said...

Doh! That was Alex's article?! It was AMAZING. I sent it along happily because it applies to so many of us. I am 42 and live in France with my honey. We don't have kids and both work out of the home so it is pretty much impossible for us to meet adult friends. Honestly, if it weren't for my charming Golden Retriever...! But truly, I don't even see people looking to make friends here. Once they have kids, they have a little unit with their family, extended family and friends that they have known since they were kids and BASTA.

Bravo to you both for all that you do!!! Merci!! :)

Wildes Waldwesen said...

Thank you so so so much for this article!!!
I'm in my early 20s, but feel the exact same way. Sometimes I think it's way easier to find someone to hook up with than to find new friends in the adult world.. Weird. And nervewracking. And especially lonely.

Hannah said...

I've definitely found this (and I'm only in my twenties!) especially as I moved to a city where I don't know anyone, and work in a job where I don't meet many other adults.
Not only that, but I struggle to meet people my age at the same 'stage' as me... most of my current friends are still into the full on bender drinking, late nights, house-sharing lifestyle but I feel like that's all past me now.

Why is it so normal to 'hit on' someone for dating/sex, but not for friendship??

People are so reluctant to let others into their lives. I think it's a really sad part of what's happened to modern society.

Sam said...

They're discussing Alex's article on The View!

Eunice said...

I didn't realize this was written by Alex! Funny, my friend emailed it out, and even though we're single and in our mid-20s, it's so true and applies to us as well! Especially as we get older, move to a new city, or when your friends are all in serious relationships.

Congrats to Alex for getting so many hits on this article!

xx

Anonymous said...

I'm an extreme introvert. I've always known this, but I've recently started reading a lot about temperaments and have learned a lot about myself. Things that I've always known, but felt guilty about because they aren't the (extroverted) societal norm.

Anyhow, psychologists say that even extroverted people become more introverted as they get older. Socializing fatigues you faster than it used to, you start to focus more inward, etc. So it doesn't surprise me that it's also more difficult to make friends as you get older.

I've had trouble making friends my entire life, so now when I do actually "click" with someone, I hold on for dear life. But as an introvert, I prefer to avoid phone calls and limit the social gatherings that I attend. I find texts, e-mails, snail mail, and the amazing iPhone app, HeyTell (like a walkie-talkie for your phone!), help me keep in touch with my good friends.

Jen said...

This is so true... Being in my mid-30's and recently divorced, I find myself struggling to meet new people in NYC all the time. I'm not a shy person at all and actually strike conversations up with strangers, but nothing ever really pans out or sticks... I've begun signing up for classes for things that I've wanted to learn like surfing, cooking, painting, etc. with the hopes of meeting some new people... we'll see what happens. Just glad to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for posting this article.

Erin said...

Making friends post college has definitely been a challenge. I am self employed and work from home so I don't even have work friends as an option. I've found myself being much more outgoing at times, than I ever thought I could be, in an attempt to connect with other people who are int he same boat, or at least in a boat I'd like to be in.

paige parkhill said...

Really great article!! I moved to a different state 5 years ago and STILL find it hard to make friends...(maybe i'm not so good at it), and I'm 27. We had a baby 15 months ago and having him has definitely helped! Glad to know I'm not alone in this :)

paola said...

Perfect article also here in italy it is the same truth!! I've been wandering about the same topic in the last years moving toward my 30s!! Plus as someone with very few friends during teens years now it is a lot more difficult...Thank you for speaking about it
Paola

Lindsay Rondo said...

what a great article! something that we don't discuss much but as i read i thought "ya, you're right!". great piece.

Raquel said...

it IS more difficult. people always chuckle when i tell them that i met my bf of two years at a bar. i always say, "well, where else do you meet people at this age?"

donnieleesuits said...

I would like to give your husband a big high FIVE for this article. I've thought the same for years. In my early 20's my boyfriend and I moved to LA after college. Other than work friends, we didn't know anyone. We went out a lot and started to see the same people at the places we frequented, making us think we must have lots in common with them. But how do you approach someone that you see at the same events without seeming like a stalker, when they clearly, don't know that you exist? The other observation we made was that if we ever did decide to approach our future friends, how do you do that with the intentions of just making a friend? Nothing more. Anytime I ever talked to anyone, either A) it was a guy and he thought I was flirting with him and then tried to put the moves on me. or B) if it was a girl, she was already consumed with her own friends and was short in her response to me complimenting on her skirt or shoes.

Years later, we are now living back in our hometown trying to reacquaint ourselves with the friends we used to be close to before we moved.

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sherryyo said...

I saw the article through a Facebook link and when I saw who wrote it, I thought "Isn't that Joanna's husband?" And now you've confirmed it! Please tell him that his writing is always interesting and he finds a lot of unique and contemporary angles. Or maybe it's just cuz I'm over 30 and in need of friends, ha!

Anonymous said...

I read that article and loved it, but I didn't realize at the time that "your" Alex wrote it! :-)

I couldn't agree with his article more!! It's been so hard to find friends post-30. His article brought me lots of comfort.

Emma said...

Why were my two texts removed? I noticed they were gone now...

Nostalgia said...

Oh, Goodness! This is why I am laying in my bed checking all my favorite blogs: these blogs ARE my friends now. It's almost heartbreaking and I love these "friends", but this is a on-sided love, of course. Proceeding now to read the article: so excited.

Nostalgia said...

One-sided, I meant - I am friends with my imaginary friends-bloggers.

Ana said...

Thank you so much for sharing your husband Alex's article here. There have been a number of past articles highlighting similar topics (lack of friends among American adults) but this one seems to have really touched a nerve with so many people.

Something that has become painfully apparent from talking with those who are now in later years of life, from biographies, old movies, is how much more socially active people were 30 or 40 years ago. Also how many hobbies they had and how much volunteer work they did.

Thinking about my own grandparents many of their friends came from shared passions (dancing, music), the military and their many community projects. They didn't seem to have any problems making friends and actually seemed to have a lot more the older they became.

chocolateprn said...

my husband and i, both professionals moved to Toronto ON from Regina SK for some more excitement and culture! Being a Nurse and Doctor and knowing a couple people in the city, it didn't occur to us that this transition may be a lonely one as we assumed we would meet people at work and see our other friends often. well it didn't turn out that way - adults already have their own friends, it turns out! After two years, we ended up moving back to Regina because we missed our friends so much that we had back home. We talk about this with friends all the time.

embarcando said...

I read this earlier this week and just now realized it is from "your" alex! I love the piece. I am in my mid twenties and have found that you do have to work harder to meet people. You just have to get OUT there and be active in something that you enjoy whether that is volunteering, art, dance, reading groups etc.

For those of us that are less inclined to just go DO something, it's harder. Thankfully, I'm hyperactive. No problems yet!

Brittany @ The Aubergine Notebook said...

well done alex! i think it is definitely relevant to a lot of people, myself included. life does get in the way and it seems like your true bff's understand but sometimes other friends don't. having moved to the city about a year and half ago, i am still trying to find my group of best friends. it's nice to know that there are others that feel the same way. and yes, it does feel awkward to ask a girl to hang out but it's a good risk to take!

his little lady said...

i've definitely found this to be true! i graduated two years ago and besides my high school and college friends (who i rarely see) i haven't been able to make any friends. and then it gets harder when you are married because then you want to make married friends.
xo TJ

CC said...

Great post!! I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with friends and family about how it's not like it was in college and school. You seem to have a groups of people in "the same boat" as you when you're in school and even a fledgling in the working world - you're still in the same boat because everyone else is just starting out.
But then you move, for job or family reasons. You put down a few roots and then you have to move again. Or, it's just so nice to stay at home in your jammies after a very long, stressful day at work and hanging out at the bar sounds like something that someone else would do while trying to become friends with the Piano Man.
Now that we've lived in our area for 5 years, we have a few "couple" friends, which is cool.
That brings up another point. You tend to want to make friends with those that have the same "status" as you. If you're single, you want single friends. If you're a couple, you want couple-friends. If you've got kids, you want to be friends with people who have kids. It just sort of...happens.
Thanks for sharing this!

giulia said...

quite interesting, and true! this article was echoed even on italian press!

Lauren - Hippie Dog Company said...

We moved to a small town about 3 years ago and it's been so hard to make friends. The town is so cliquey and if you aren't from here or lived here half your life, you are an outsider. Even the ladies in the church seem to have all of the friends they need. I've pretty much given up on it.

Fenke said...

add moving to a new city when you're just pregnant - and it makes it even harder to find friends! faced with a new city and a whole new living situation we really felt (and still feel) lonely - despite having found some "friends" in the last two years. two of the closer ones are moving away now. sooo sad.

Crystal said...

I immediately thought of Alex's story when I saw this on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/82552939/real-life-friend-request-greeting-card

Egle said...

A few weeks ago I said to my husband we need to find new friends (we are just in our thirties). We emigrated from our country and loads of friends have been left and even though we both are happy and have a great social life and have some friends, but we sometimes miss having more various ones.. so this article is just perfect!

D. Harley said...

OK NYC... when is our "let's make friends" meet-up?

Martha said...

It is so hard to make friends after college! I just finished reading the book "MWF seeking BFF" which is about a girl in chicago who spends a year trying to make new friends. The most striking line in the book is that its acceptable for women to be seeking a man, but a girl seeking friends isn't cool.

Photography in New York said...

Thanks for this wonderful tips to make an adult friend.

Lindsey Leitner said...

I am in college but it is a commuter school and I am older than a lot of the students here. I am 24 years old which is not old but older than the typical undergrad. I have found it very difficult to make new friends and I find it weird to ask someone out. I have always been a little shy though. My mom who is 50 has no problem!

Sheila said...

This is timely! I've been wondering if you had any posts on making friends in NYC! We are thinking of moving from Australia to NYC and the making new friends part makes me nervous. We have two girls so I hope that having them gives us an avenue for making friends. We've moved quite a few times and sometimes friend making has come easily and other times it hasn't. Small towns seem to be easier. When we lived in London it was harder. Great article by Alex.

kerry said...

PHEW - glad to know it's not just me! We moved to Brooklyn last year and I can't say I've had a ton of success meeting people.

If we're (ok me) being honest, I've also given up a little knowing we'll be back in CA eventually. Although I deperately miss having freinds over for dinner.

Thanks for the post

Stephanie said...

Loved that article! Such an awkward thing to sometimes talk about (am I a loser?!). I think he did an excellent job of removing the shame this issue can sometimes cause. I also find that with the cost of babysitters, my husband and I VERY carefully choose who we want to spend an evening with. In our pre-kid days, it seemed we could make the best of any situation, even if we didn't just adore the people we were hanging out with. Now it's money down the drain if we don't have a fabulous time! :)

Jessica @{Chic Sugar} said...

This is such a fascinating read.

Anonymous said...

Love the article. Just moved to a huge city in a foreign country and this is the first time in my life that I've had to exert so much effort making friends. After reading this article, I sighed one of the deepest sighs of relief... nice to know I'm not the only one.

Anonymous said...

Love the article. Just moved to a huge city in a foreign country and this is the first time in my life that I've had to exert so much effort making friends. After reading this article, I sighed one of the deepest sighs of relief... nice to know I'm not the only one.

A. (Ana Carolina) said...

Oh... I find it quite hard...
Even more living in another country... I wasnt able to make many new friends... Is quite hard... (and being a foreign, sometimes lonely...)
And now with the kid is even being hard to keep in touch with the few ones...

xx,
A.

L A M M Y aka Mr. True said...

I had hundreds of friends when I was in my 20's...
Dozens in my 30's... A handful in my early 40's...
Now I am 46, and moved to Laguna Beach where I am a total loner!

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kel.bow said...

Thank you! My fiance is always teasing me because I am constantly trying to make new friends. I am 29 and moved to a new city a couple years ago. I am dying to have a neighbor or someone near by to spend free time with once in a while. I work at a tech company and have nothing in common with my coworkers. It is like dating all over again, but without the excitement of a first kiss.

Carolyn A said...

We just moved to Idaho from Texas about a year ago and feel the same way! With a baby on the way I'm hoping to make some "mom" friends.

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Laney said...

I have found that this topic is so true in my life. Especially with my husband being active duty Army. We move so often and I am a stay at home wife with no kids. So I have to start over all the time with no workplace to meet people. I have been trying the gym but it seems those 'meetings' don't go beyond the gym or everyone says sorry I can't my kid has this or that. So difficult!

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David Kincannon said...

Hi Alexa, I have a 25 year old artist daughter with a recent Bachelor of Fine Arts degree wanting to work in publishing. Illustration preferably. Hannah is a little shy but super nice and loves coffee! You sound very nice. Do you have any tips for her as to getting into the business? Any business openings out there you're aware of. She likes the city too. If too off subject I apologize. Thank you, David. sunindustriesdave@cafes.net

BREI said...

This hit the spot. I moved to a new city 2 years ago and knew a couple of people but nothing has really stuck. Yes I have made a couple of good friends but they work almost as much as me so it is hard to get together.
As recently as last week I e-mailed a couple of girls I had gotten to know about having dinner. I got no response. It's really hard to make friends in your 30's without joining things like the junior league or one of those coed sports teams (umm I'm not coordinated!!)
But to be honest I keep on trying! No one likes to be home alone every night of the month. ;)

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I've been dating my girl for 5 years and we have just broke up because she told me she likes someone else but she say she still loves me... the next week she left the house and said she needs to find herself??? and i wanted her to be with me by living were i live, forget about her ex's, having a good job and being in a healthy relationship which leads to marriage and kids. but she was planning to leave me since and when i knew about her plan i gave her space maybe she will come back?? but if she didn't then i had to find help, a spell caster to help me bring her back so i did contacted i was giving this usa number +15036626930 and this email address dr.marnish@yahoo.com after 3 days of casting his spell my girlfriend returned back to crying to me that she will never make a step without me again, that she will always love me till death. i am still surprised how dr.marnish did the love spell
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mccart said...


i am here to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted traditional spell hospital for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he traditional spell hospital casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you traditional spell hospital for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com. and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

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