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Thursday, March 08, 2012

How long do you wait to sleep with someone?

We've talked about everything from break-ups to breasts, so today let's talk about sex...

When it comes to dating, I've always been super slow. I've waited ages before sleeping with new boyfriends. In college, I waited five months to sleep with one boyfriend; and three months to sleep with a later boyfriend. After graduating, I waited more than a year to sleep with a boyfriend I met here in New York.

By the time I met Alex, I was 28 and more confident and bold. Plus, I was head-over-heels for him after our very first date. So, for our third date, I suggested that we "watch a movie" at his apartment. We rented Chinatown, and halfway through, he paused the movie because I wanted to ask a question about the plot....yada, yada, yada, we made waffles the next morning.

I'm curious: How long do you wait to sleep with a new boyfriend or girlfriend? First date? Three dates? Weeks, months, years? Until marriage? Have you ever regretted waiting too long or too little? Spill the beans--and feel free to comment anonymously!
(Photos from Elisa/Flickr and W&D)

515 comments:

1 – 200 of 515   Newer›   Newest»
Erin said...

There's no right answer, really. It's all about what you're most comfortable with, and when it "feels right." Girls/women get a ton of pressure to wait, which, if shows like Teen Mom are any indication, is probably a good idea. But when you're older and wiser, do whatever you feel most comfortable with! A guy who would lose respect for you if you "gave it up too easily" is a guy you wouldn't want to be with anyway, in my opinion. On the flip side, there is something super magical to that beginning stage in a relationship where all you do is make out for hours on end. ;)

Haley said...

I think each relationship is different. Physical attraction is obviously key, but for me, trust and general comfort level around the person are just as--if not more--important. And sometimes, it takes a while to completely trust and be totally comfortable in your skin around someone. Granted, with the right person, it doesn't take quite so long :)

Anonymous said...

Interesting subject! I am a passionate girlfriend, so I want to say that each relationship is different and it all depends on how being together feels. Talking, interacting, laughing and plain old building leads me up to feel intimate. I question myself (since we are sexual beings) but I like to feel gitty inside and just let it unfold.

Meadow said...

Really depends. I've slept w. 4 people in my life... so not too many. I waited 8 months to sleep w. my high school boyfriend (I was 18 and finished high school before we did the deed)... after that I slept w. the next boyfriend on our probably 2nd or 3rd date.. but I knew him for a month or two before we went on the date. The next guy I knew for over a year, but slept w. him quite quickly (and regretted it). My boyfriend I had known for over 2 years... but we slept together on I think date two or three. So I guess in general I sleep w. the guy fairly quickly... BUT there is always an existing history w. the person. I hope to marry my boyfriend next year - don't want to sleep w. anyone but him :)

Corrie Anne said...

Waited almost two whole years - till our wedding. And so happy we did. :)

Jes said...

i don't think there's a right answer to this question as every relationship is different and has different circumstances. this is a really interesting topic that i talk to my girlfriends about once in awhile though. it's interesting to hear everyone's perspective.
xx jes

Mary Ruth Gilliam said...

My husband is the only person I've ever slept with - we were "babies" in high school, but we only waited about three months.

He's been it and only it since then (me for him, too) and I've never looked back.

Sometimes when you know, you just know!

Kira said...

My husband and I waited until marriage and I'm so glad we did. It worked for us. Also, we are not like the super weirdo virgins you see on tv, just thought I should point that out :)

synapse said...

i started dating less than 2 month short of turning 17 and today i'm less than 2 month short of turning 29. so i've been with the same person for 12 years. yes, my only boyfriend. how long did i wait? around 4 years - it was the first time for both of us. it happened when i was ready and i was never pressured. i guess that's why we've been together since then ;)

it's a very personal thing and every case is unique. as long as you feel ready, go for it - but for you and for none else. that's my motto ;) of course this is more pressing when we're talking about THE first time. when you grow older and more experienced, it's normal to adjust your timings. but well, i don't have the experience to talk about that :P

Lindsey said...

I think a lot of things factor into this question... But I think what is most important is to remain true to yourself and decide to be intimate with someone when you know it is right. Age, maturity, and security all can factor into this answer as well... But time should not matter when you know you are with someone you love! http://lindseyyoung.net

Anonymous said...

I'm always hesitant to admit (hence the anonymity here) that I am 30 and a virg--I feel like I would NEVER regret NOT sleeping with a boyfriend in hindsight, but there's a pretty big open window for regret if I DO...especially later when I'm married. It's something you only get one first experience with, and I really, really want that to be with the guy I will spend my life with.

There's just something so special about that, I think.

Heather said...

Every relationship is different but I've only slept with guys who I was in a serious relationship with or well thought it was going to go somewhere/mean something. I waited 6 months with 2 previous relationships but with my current bf I was best friends with him before we started dating. I felt more comfortable with him but I waited I think at least a month or so before we slept with each other. I'm not the that type of girl to just give it away I always wanted to mean something with someone that meant something to me. Cliche maybe but that's just me.

http://fashionistanygirl.blogspot.com/

Caitlin said...

I've been with my boyfriend for just about three years, and we haven't slept together. We are planning on waiting til marriage, just the way we were brought up I guess! We are planning on getting engaged in the next year or so. :) I know that we're meant to be though!

Lauren Ashley said...

I waited a year and a half before sleeping with my first boyfriend - we were young so it was the right decision at the time. With my last boyfriend (and now new hubby) it was just a few weeks. I think it depends on the people involved, the time in your life, and overall moment. As long it it makes you feel good, and you're not being pressured in any way - I say go fo it! I think as women, we need to be less judgmental and support each other to feel as empowered as men in this area.

Sugar Free said...

I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 24, and I had been dating him for a little over a year.

And then we got married a year and a half after that.

Anna said...

Well it´s always different I think... In my opinion really depends on type of person you´re dating. I agree with Erin - if the guy left you because things went "too easily" means he wasn´t worth your time and energy. I met my better half on the net, we had been talking for months before we had our first physical contact. And yes, things went very fast, but soon we will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary...I also agree talking to our mothers/sisters helps a lot!
Thank you for yet another interesting post, Joanna!
Much love! xoxo

Anonymous said...

with my now-husband, i didn't wait long at all - 3 weeks! at first, i thought it'd be a great idea to get rid of the awkward first time, only to regret it later. turns out it wasn't just our first time. it was his FIRST time! ah, i still feel so ridiculous for rushing something that could've been forever beautful in memory into something cringe-worthy. but, thankfully we made up for it that weekend and the rest is history.

Anonymous said...

I'm a big advocate for waiting. It's important that women value themselves and being a bit guarded with your body is a huge way to show that to a guy.
I made my husband wait a few months when we started dating back in college. A good friend of mine always has sex right away. She's gorgeous and has her act together. But for some reason her relationships never work out. She's on her third live-in boyfriend situation. :( I can't help but wonder if she is rushing into the really intimate parts of the relationship too quickly.

M. said...

I'm engaged and we're waiting til we're married! It's definitely difficult...and engagement somehow makes it harder, but truth be told, we sincerely think it's what God's best is for us.

For us, it's been so incredible to watch the way God has worked through our whole dating relationship (3 years), and so we're counting down to August 4th!

Stephanie McPeak said...

I really only have a comment. I laughed out loud when I read this post because my girlfriends and I were talking just a couple of weeks ago that "come watch a movie" is TOTALLY code for something else. One of our friends seemed blindsided by this revelation until we told her to think back....seriously. I love it when such nuanced conversations with my girlfriends are validated elsewhere! THANK YOU!

Ellie said...

My rule is never on the first date... after that? Totally depends on the guy/feelings/situations... as an adult I've waited long as 3 months or as short as date 2!

Chantel B. said...

Interesting question...For me personally, it depended on a few factors. First and foremost: age. I don't know why but I was totally against having sex until I was 20 years old! Somehow having sex in my teens seemed irresponsible and to this day I have no idea where that notion came from! I was 20 the first time and in a messed up head over heels relationship where there was A LOT of pressure put on me to have sex. That was hard. As time moved on I got more confidant and have quickened my pace. I'm not ashamed to admit that I even had a one/two night stand! It was once, we had fun, with no expectations. With my dear husband I think it was about a week and I was SO crazy about him (still am!!) that it was super exciting and hard not to make that move. It truly is a magical time :)

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

I have been sleeping with the same man for 35 years (my husband.) I highly recommend it ... especially if you marry a guy who is sweet, kind and fun.

Fondly,
Glenda

Anonymous said...

It's different for every relationship. With my first ex, we waited almost two months and lived together for five months after being together for just three months. In hindsight, it was much too fast, even though I was 26 and he was 27. With my second ex, it was on our second date, on my birthday. We were long distance for all but three weeks of our relationship and I wish I had waited.

AM said...

I must agree that there is no definite answer for everyone, and every relationship is different. My very first "serious" and very long relationship started out in high school. I had decided earlier that no matter what, I would just wait until I was 18 years old. And I did, for me. I always had a mindset that I would wait at least 3 or 4 serious, serious dates (meaning going out just the two of you and having amazing conversations and ice cream or something). Then I met the most amazing person. We had hung out almost everyday for 2 whole months, but we were always accompanied by friends. Always. Then we went on a date and watched a movie I'll never forget. By the next time we had even the shortest amount of time alone it was on. We just made it our 3rd year together.

Anni said...

I'm of the mind that there's no one right answer.

I'm marrying my high school sweetheart, so technically we waited a couple years. If I was to date now, obviously the answer would be much different. I think that, for a lot of us, as soon as you get to that point in your life where you're used to sex, it stops being such a huge "perfect moment" thing.

Lauren C.T. said...

I don't think I ever consciously made a decision about how long I should wait, but if I thought there was potential for a real relationship, it was never very quick. With my husband, I think it was 4 dates and I had to get pretty tipsy to have the courage to initiate it.

For me, sex with someone you care about is totally different than sex for pure enjoyment's sake. Between college and dating my husband(a period of about 5 years), I was purposely single and, I am not ashamed to say, actually even had a couple one-night stands (I was trying to get to know myself without being tied to a guy, but why not have some fun every now and then?). Sex for fun, with no stings attached, was much less stressful for me than when I wanted a relationship with the person.

Anonymous said...

Re Anonymous above me: I'm a big advocate for joy. It's important that women value themselves, and having sex whenever you feel comfortable and want to is a huge way to show that to yourself.

I like first-date sex, second-date sex is my norm, and occasionally I've waited after that. I date a lot, and enjoy having a variety of different men in my life at any given time.

- female, Brooklyn, 29,

Anonymous said...

Thought I would contribute my two cents. I am much like the other commenter's gorgeous friend who always has sex right away but her relationships never seem to work out. Yeah, that sounds about right. I started having sex young, barely 15, which I regret and certainly has contributed to a more laissez-faire sex life in my twenties and (no surprise to some people) pregnant at 22. We did get married and have stayed married almost three years now with a two year old, but yes, we are the result of our decisions for sure.

So, maybe if I could do it over, I would wait, and develop that self-esteem needed to say no.

Annonymously, of course.

Natalie said...

My husband and I waited until marriage, because of our own personal convictions and faith, and it was really hard but so special and worth it!! I never regretted this decision.

vanessa (the gal) said...

not too soon.... but when it feels right!! maybe try & wait a couple dates for the right guy. my mom told me that her and my dad started with a one night stand!! and it turned into a 30 year marriage! so when it's right, it's right!! i LOVE your story about the Chinatown movie & next morning waffles! smooth move playa ;)

xo! vanessa

http://fashiongalfireman.blogspot.com/

Rachel said...

I waited until I was 23, after dating a guy for over a year (we knew each other for about 5), and then after living with him for a few months. I am so happy I shared the experience with him. I am now honoring my original commitment to God to wait until marriage. Funny, I had this conversation twice yesterday, and I always give the same advice: No matter what you choose for yourself, NEVER feel like you have to do it or feel guilty if you don't. It's your body!

nicole @ I am a Honey Bee said...

Didn't wait at all. We slept together and things evolved. We have been together for over 7 years since then.

Anonymous said...

I've only slept with 4 people. I waited a year and half with my hight school boyfriend, I was almost 19. Then the next was 8 months, the third was 3 months, and the 4th, my now husband, was 3 weeks! hehehe I just couldnt resist him :)

becca ann said...

What a fun subject! I think it really depends not he relational dynamic. I have to put in some time with someone before sleeping with them, but sometimes this happens as friends before dating. With my first boyfriend we waited a year. My second boyfriend three week, but that was after years of friendship. My third love it took um about five days...also had known him as a dear friend for quite some time. There were other people between where the sex was not so much about waiting...

Christy said...

Waited till my wedding night, first date till wedding was 11 months.

sumslay said...

Oh man, Joanna, I'm with you on that! I used to be really slow (at least 3 months), but now, it's whenever I feel like it (although I do try to avoid that 3rd date cliche, but whatever!).

I was 27 and out of a 4 year relationship when I realized I really just wanted to have fun, and I'm a grown adult and can make my own decisions. As a Southern girl, I was always taught there's the "marrying type" and the "whore." I don't think it has to be that black and white - I didn't want to jump back into a serious relationship, dangit! So I didn't, but I still have self respect. ;)

Anonymous said...

My fiance is the only guy I've ever been with, and I had only really dated one other guy prior to him (in H.S.). We met online and it took three months of dating until we slept together. It was the same night I told him I loved him for the first time (he said it to me weeks before, but I had never said that to a guy before, so I waited until I was ready). It was perfect for us. But everyone is different.

Sarah said...

I was in a particularly, uh, active stage of my dating life when I met my current bf of 8 months. I remember that waiting till our third date felt like ages and ages. But looking back it was a week maybe. Not that long. The sex was passionate and intense and sometimes I wonder what waiting a bit longer might have looked like... but I don't think I would change one thing.

Anonymous said...

I don't date someone UNLESS I've already slept with them. That being said, I don't just rush into bed with anyone. I can count on one hand the number of people I've kissed and not ended up sleeping with. and fewer still the number of people I've slept with and didn't end up dating. Sex is very important for me and if we aren't compatible in the bedroom, I'd rather know ahead of time then get my hopes up only to be disappointed later when it's a much more serious relationship

Shelly {Quiet Luxury} said...

Interesting post...

I don't believe there are any "hard" rules outside of 'no sex on the first date.' Any time thereafter, you should just do what feels right.

-Shelly
Quiet Luxury


Erica said...

My husband and I were virgins until we married, but like another commentator said, we weren't like the people you see on tv. We had kissed...plenty, haha! Waiting til marriage was something we both wanted (partially b/c of our religion) and I'm glad we did because now sex is something special that we have only ever done with each other. It's a very special bond between us.

Mollie D said...

I usually jumped right in, but the only time I waited, I ended up marrying the guy. We had a weird start so it wan't appropriate and I wish I would have always done waited. We 'dated' for 2 months before I even kissed him and it was amazing - total movie fireworks

Cherry said...

We waited about 6 years . . until we got married. Was a great decision for us.
Really great women here with so many different answers. It is wonderful

Anonymous said...

2.5 years we waited until marriage. It was a great decision for us, and I am personally grateful that the whole sex learning curve has been with him.

elisa said...

I used to wait a while before I slept with a new boyfriend, to make sure things were serious enough. Then I had this one disastrous relationship with someone I had been so careful with and I decided, forget the rules, I'm going with my heart from now on. Soo, when I met my husband, we slept together right away. And we've been together for 9 years.

I really feel that waiting to sleep together isn't really important for the relationship, it's either going to last or it isn't. But, of course, everyone should do what feels right for them.

Amy Powell said...

we waited until marriage... after 6 years of dating (through HS/College!) it was REALLY hard, but something we decided to do. Making up for it now ;)

MotherEarth said...

My husband and I could barely wait 3 days! We were both vacationing with mutual friends when the sparks started flying! We had to convince our friends to go to a river resort with us so we could get a room NO WHERE near theirs! And we were engaged 6 months later. Now we have been married for 3 years, have one kiddo, and another one on the way. I don't think it matters how long you wait: it just has to be the right person, at the right time :)

Lollipops and Lavender said...

I was 19 when I decided to take the step and make love the first time I waited 4 months before I slept with my then boyfriend, now husband. I have only slept with 2 people and I can say i am proud that my first time was with the one I decided to marry. So in conclusion I don't think there is a right amount of time to wait, just the right person.

Anonymous said...

I grew up in a strict Christian family and wasn't even allowed to date in high school. I never really seriously dated anyone until I was 24, and he ended up being my husband! We waited until we got married because that's how we were raised. I'm glad we waited, the anticipation was wonderful! :)

Anonymous said...

Good question! I have never dated anyone I didn't feel an immediate connection with (which isn't a lot of people since I met my now-husband when I was 18!), so I always based my decisions on what I felt people's intentions were, if that makes any sense. I've never had sex with someone to "feel closer" to them--I've done it because I already "feel close" and like we're on the same page. This meant waiting 4 or 5 months for my highschool boyfriend, a few days for a summer fling, and a few weeks for my now husband. I did have another fling I regretted NOT sleeping with, because I really liked him, he was a great guy, and it would have been fun (we stayed in touch for ages too, so I know there wouldn't have been regrets). Speaking with girlfriends, it seems the most (all?) regrets come from decisions to sleep with people to feel closer to them that didn't work. But nobody knows what's best for you better than you!

vanessa rae said...

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now, and we have not slept together, and don't plan on it until it's the night of our wedding :) We are both virgins, and we're NOT weird!

Emily said...

My husband and I waited until we were married. Best decision! We got married young (him 21, me 18), and were both virgins. There is a lot of people who look down on that, because of our culture and how forced sex is on everything we see. But it was amazing to both share such a special time together, it wasn't perfect or like the movies! But it was us, in love, newlyweds, and together. It was wonderful. Can't imagine myself with anyone else, ever.

Anonymous said...

It's funny you're posting this today; I'm 29 and I just lost my virginity a week ago. I haven't been in many serious relationships and I'd previously not felt ready. This guy I was totally feeling it; we waited 5 dates and I'm so happy it's done!

Anonymous said...

What a timely post! After a two-year spell of really boring dates, I finally met a great guy who I'm head over heels for. We're on our 5th date and I am starting to question my usual method of waiting months to sleep with a boyfriend. It's nice to hear that such a classy woman as yourself feels empowered enough to go after what she wants, when she knows it's right!

Anonymous said...

My husband and i waited for marriage, 5 long years. It was definitely hard, but so worth it. We were both virgins when we got married (i was 22 and he 28) so it was fun to discover each other, and learn even more about each other after 5 years.

Isabelle said...

For my present boyfriend, we waited to the second date... but the first date was weeks before. (hihi)

I was 31 and him 32...

Personally I never gave much tought about the "waiting" thing. My family is very liberal and no one is married (and a few divorces...) so I guess that target just has no meaning to us. My parents always told me to go with what I am comfortable with and so I do.

Anonymous said...

We waited a year and a half. And as it was long distance at the time (try transatlantic), we actually discussed the whole thing first and planned it all out in advance - even the date! It was really exciting! Looking back three years later, I'm really happy. We made the decision with a lot of thought and the timing was perfect.

Anonymous said...

I waited 3 years with my college boyfriend! I somewhat regret being so cautious because it took me a long while to get confident, but now that I'm well into my 20s I'm glad I didn't make any crazy mistakes as a youngster. It depends on so very many things: family expectations, self-consciousness, friends, religion, community, and the man himself!

Anonymous said...

Date two in the mountains of Colorado Springs...we get married in September after five years together

Michelle said...

With my husband it was six months of friendship (I knew he liked me, I just wanted to be friends.) then one night we just did and we weren't even dating. So there is that.

I think it totally depends on the person, but I've never been a prude about sex.

melissa said...

Not to sound like a floozy or anything, but I've always been a little fast in this respect. Never really waited, except for my first time, when I was 16 (yeeps!) with my first love. In my own defense, I have always dated really good guys, many of whom I knew as friends for awhile before we dated. When I met my husband, after our first date he went away on business for two weeks. The night he came home, the night of our second date, well...we went to Au Bon Pain the next morning together. In our pajamas. It worked out pretty well as we've been together for 7 years, married for 3 and have a baby boy. :)

Julie said...

Well, if people can say, "I DON'T think there's a right answer," I guess that gives me the freedom to say that I DO think there's a right answer. :)

Wait until you're married. Make mistakes together. Learn to love. Learn how to love and be loved. With the one person you will love until you die.

Anna said...

I know Jo is asking us about dating rather than our first FIRST time, but I think it's important to note this: our culture's fascination and obsession with women remaining "pure" until marriage makes me sad. I didn't have sex as a teenager personally, but I also wasn't "saving it" for some unattainable ideal about it being a magical experience. I would encourage young women to consider how they feel (without any pressure to lose it OR hold onto it) and go from there. My first time was great and all my consequential sexytimes with different men have been better.

And my current boyfriend and I banged after the second date. It was wonderful.

Annie said...

I am totally agreement with everyone who says "when it feels right." When my husband and I started dating, I let things progressed as they felt right. As a result I never felt pressured into anything and was totally comfortable with (and able to enjoy) our relationship.

Anonymous said...

I am 30 and I am waiting until marriage . . which is a little over a month away. :) There are many reasons - my faith as the primary one - that I have done this. I believe with all my heart that the Lord says to wait until marriage because His design is the best! He's not trying to spoil my fun. He loves sex, invented it and has a plan for when it should happen, so I'm trusting Him. How happy I am that I did not sleep with my previous boyfriends, despite loving them and certainly wanting to! I know the first night will be awkward and not perfect in some ways, but oh I cannot wait to just be with my soulmate. :)

-Laura

Anonymous said...

My husband and I both planned to wait until marriage (we're Jesus people) but ended up doing it before we were even engaged. I'm glad we did, because losing our virginities on our wedding night would have been AWKward!

Despite all the flack that you get when you're an over-30 virgin, I'm pretty glad I waited, and that I've never been with anybody but my husband - it's nice to know that there's only one person in the world who's seen that side of me.

Anonymous said...

I've slept with 25 men in my life. Some one night stands, some relationships. My boyfriend& I slept together on our first "real" date. We've been together for about a year.

MandaJ said...

Hardest thing I ever did....waited till marriage! :)

kendra said...

waiting! based on both Christian beliefs and old-fashioned heart.
I honestly didn't expect to wait this long (i'm 30), but i have no regrets.
thankfully, every guy i've dated has the same standards, so that has never been an issue.
But there are days i'm pretty sure i'm the only 30-year old that still has her V card and isn't a crazy cat lady.

Yanira Garza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elga said...

I waited a year for my first time ever. Then, never waited for more than 4 dates again. I just feel confident enough for doing it as soon as I want to, and have a good opportunity.. Only once I regret it, it was on a 3rd date, and the guy was very conservative and took me for a hooker after that. And despite his stupidity, I really liked him. But I had long great relationships with someone I had such great chemistry that just did it on the first date. Its not less than awesome.

Sarah said...

you yada yada'd SEX! LOVE IT!

Anonymous said...

There is no right answer here. Look in high school, I had a boyfriend, we were both top of the class but we decided hey, let's be our first. In college though, I wanted to date older guys, the second guy I ever slept with was 18 years older than me. This was by choice, I was totally taken with the financial industry and was working in a brokerage firm. I was up for exploring. But later on in college, my priorities changed and I chose sex to mean more. And then after a break up, sex meant less again, I'd change 'my pace'.

Julia said...

Waiting until marriage is archaic, misguided and unhealthy for your own personal, sexual growth and your relationship. Not all sex is good sex, and oops! you've just married your sexual mis-match. Chastity was a rule meant to control the number of illegitimate children which was really just a way to keep tabs on property inheritance. It's no longer relevant to our society (and never has been relevant to human nature)

We're women in the 21st century. Want sex? Go have it. Don't be an idiot - use protection, use birth control, and use your head when choosing the guys/girls you'll allow into your most personal world, but it's your choice and yours alone. Don't let numbers, timing, or your faith tell you when is right to feel good.

Julia said...

I waited till five dates with the guy I am currently seeing. We'd known each other almost a month at that point, I think.

I've seriously regretted one instance where I slept with someone on the third meeting/second date (we'd met at a bar and then went out on two dates). I felt I didn't wait long enough. I think it's important to many men (not all, I'm sure) that they feel like they put a sufficient amount of "effort" in before having sex - they simply value the woman more that way. That was a big lesson for me.

Alexandria said...

Oh man, Craig and I had been on and off for a year and two months before we finally slept together. We had "officially" been together for about a month and a half though.

GINA BIBER said...

I waited until my marriage. Perhaps it's old-fashioned, but as well as being Biblical, it's also logical.

Apart from bodies rebelling from sex with too many people (STDs), I also appreciate my husband more than any other man, because I can't compare him with any other man. If we're a mis-match, we certainly don't know it and are happy learning together. For the rest of our lives.

Jessi said...

To each their own!

Personally I've only been with my (now) husband... but we've been together for 10 years now (since our teen years). It just worked that way for us... we grew together.

But, if circumstances were different and we had grown apart... I think i would have at least a 3 month rule for myself. I can be a bit sensitive (assuming) so i'd like to know the person well before leaping into a possibly confusing situation.

thanks for making me think!

jessi
finnpuppy@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I didn't get into the game until I was 21, and a couple weeks into a pretty intense relationship. The next couple times were pretty early in the relationship, but then I managed to wait a whopping three weeks until I slept with my (now) husband, and we've been together over 7 years. I don't have any regrets, and I'm glad I waited that long to start, but I'm also glad I didn't continue to be so slow. I enjoyed myself, learned a lot about myself and my relationships, and it put me in a good place for where I am now.

I never could have waited till marriage, and it wouldn't have done me any good anyway. I think wedding-night sex is a myth. I could barely stand, and I was so tired I almost slept in my wedding dress. I would have been so disappointed if I waited till then and blew it!

Anonymous said...

i'm 28 and a virgin. i often feel like an anomaly these days (and sometimes it's depressing to me that i'm not having sex) but when i look back on the men in my past that i could have slept with, no regrets. i think it's worth waiting for a committed relationship with mutual respect, and i haven't been there yet.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to say. Every person is different obviously and we are all too quick to judge on majority statistics, but the first person I ever slept with I waited a few months. It was not a smart decision. Sex to me is meant to bring 2 people in love closer together. I was not in love with him even though I was naive and might have thought I was. I ended up pregnant much too soon. I love my son but he does not have a supportive biological father in any way at all. I think we forget sex is not just a "feeling". It has consequences in our lives and in our hearts. That's why we SHOULD wait. Not because of a timeline.

Sarah said...

I met my now-husband in high school, and we waited 7 years, until our wedding night, to have sex for the first time. No regrets, it was the right choice for us, (even in college, when ALL of our friends were talking about sex nonstop and waiting was pretty hard.) We've been married for 8 years now, and we're still making up for lost time. Our decision to save sex for marriage was based on many factors.

Allyn said...

I waited til I got married (at 26), my husband didn't, and we're both fine with that. He would have felt the same way about me if I hadn't been a virgin, but it also meant a lot to him that he was my first. That's not to say that we didn't have fun before we got married (ahem), and I basically moved in with him a month after we started dating. We had been friends for years, and got married less than a year after we started dating. When it's right, it's so right! I'm super glad I decided to wait, but I realize it's not for everyone. I just want girls to be smart about it. Protect yourself! I made my now husband go get tested a few months before the wedding so that he'd have time to treat anything they might find (luckily all clear!). I really wish virginity wasn't such a stigma, especially to high school girls. It's really nothing to rush, and, let's face it, a much bigger risk for girls than guys. I think more people have regrets over someone they did sleep with than someone they didn't.
-Allyn

Allyn said...

I waited til I got married (at 26), my husband didn't, and we're both fine with that. He would have felt the same way about me if I hadn't been a virgin, but it also meant a lot to him that he was my first. That's not to say that we didn't have fun before we got married (ahem), and I basically moved in with him a month after we started dating. We had been friends for years, and got married less than a year after we started dating. When it's right, it's so right! I'm super glad I decided to wait, but I realize it's not for everyone. I just want girls to be smart about it. Protect yourself! I made my now husband go get tested a few months before the wedding so that he'd have time to treat anything they might find (luckily all clear!). I really wish virginity wasn't such a stigma, especially to high school girls. It's really nothing to rush, and, let's face it, a much bigger risk for girls than guys. I think more people have regrets over someone they did sleep with than someone they didn't.
-Allyn

Anonymous said...

waiting (doesn't even feel like waiting) until marriage!! :)
I believe it's meant for the marriage covenant...only then is it really good.

Bethany said...

I waited until marriage, and like previous commenter Gina Biber said, my husband and I are happily learning together. It feels great to have no regrets, no baggage in that territory.

My husband and I married when I was 22 and he was 25. Each of us had had a handful of relationships before that, but neither of us took that step to sleep with our other partners. I think it definitely would have been harder to stick to my standard if I had been single longer into my twenties, but when you know, you know, right?

Anonymous said...

So glad you're a little slower too. I'm in college but I made my first boyfriend wait a year (we were only 15 when we met) and it was totally for the best and we stayed together for 5 years. After we broke up I had an ill-advised one-night stand with a friend-of-a-friend. Had no experience of inbetween and I can't figure out what's an acceptable amount of time! I'd prefer slower though, maybe a month or two. You and Alex are my fave :)

Ashley@MarriedLane said...

My husband and I waited until we were married (and we fell in love in 10th grade and got married after our sophomore year of college - that was a LONG 4 years!). We are both glad that we waited, and will encourage our children to do the same.

Anonymous said...

Wow, a lot of people here waited til marriage! That surprises me.

I'm bad at waiting, but whenever I try to push myself to wait (to be a strong woman, not be a slut, make him respect me, etc.), I feel like I'm playing games and I feel dishonest to both myself and the other person.

I was just talking about the topic of "first times" with my boyfriend (been together 2.5 weeks, had sex on the second date) and we both feel too much hoopla is made over it. I mean, does anyone really have sex their first time? My first time lasted about 5 minutes and ended with me curled up and in pain and my boyfriend feeling horrible for hurting me. I would never want that on my wedding night!

- L
20 yrs old

Dancing Branflake said...

Waited until marriage. Best decision ever.

Natalie said...

For a long time I put sex on a pedestal, I'm sure in part to my religious upbringing. But as I grew into adulthood I found that sex CAN be special with someone you love, but it also can just be enjoyable with someone you like.

My (now) husband and I waited a couple of months, but it wasn't intentional or a set date. We were just really enjoying getting to know each other on different levels. And making out a lot. Oh, don't you kind of miss JUST making out...

Anonymous said...

My husband and I waited until we were married. (we dated/engaged two years). I'm glad I've not had that experience with anyone else...there's nothing to compare good or bad with. That makes me feel secure and our intimacy is like our secret club together;)

Anonymous said...

I'm married now, but I made it a rule to wait until I was in love (which has only happened to me twice). The one time I didn't abide by this, I regretted it and still do.

One thing I am working on though is to understand that this is not everyone's policy and not to judge people for their decisions when it comes to sex. This has been and is very difficult for me because a lot of my close friends sleep with new people often (that they are certainly not in love with) and I don't like holding them to a different standard than myself.

Anonymous said...

Bravo to Anna and Julia for their comments. I'm so sick of the idea that virginity is a gift to give our husbands. Gross. You should wait for marriage if that's what feels right to you, but not to win the approval of society or to attain some magical, false ideal.

Anonymous said...

As a student at a Christian university this topic feels off-limits most of the time and it is hard to be honest about my personal past with a lot of my peers. I was raped when I was 16 and my boyfriend when I was 17 convinced me that I was filthy and that I was lucky he was still interested in having sex with me. So, of course I did. I can honestly say, though, that I don't regret that physical relationship; we dated for 14 months and I learned a lot about myself. My next boyfriend I dated for 17 months and we slept together as well, but it was completely different. With the first it was just sex, but with the second it was making love. It sounds so lame and cliche, but there was a huge difference. Although we are not together anymore, I am thankful for both of my intimate relationships because I was able to see both sides of the spectrum. I have had sex with six guys overall at this point and the last four were not in the confines of a relationship, but I still don't regret it. I don't plan on having sex with anyone until I am married, though, because since I was 16 I have been finding my worth in my physical attributes and that needs to stop. After stepping outside of those relationships and having physical relationships outside of dating has shown me that I don't like feeling like my worth is in what I am willing to do physically. Being at school with people who condemn those who have been in sexual relationships in a heartbeat is difficult, but it has all been a growing experience for me. I wouldn't take back any of it and I look forward to sharing myself with my husband in the future.

Jillian@TheHumbleGourmet said...

It completely depends on the situation and the people involved. I had dated guys that I never slept with, because I knew that it just wasn't right. My husband and I didn't wait super long, but it worked for us. We were both confident in where the relationship was going early on, so there was no need to "play games" or anything like that. We both wanted to, so we did. It was very in the moment, not planned, not overthought. I remember my friends thinking I had made a HORRIBLE mistake, that he would never respect me or would only think of me in a particular way.
We showed them ;-)

Anonymous said...

My high school boyfriend and I started dating when I was fifteen, and though he had already had sex (starting when he was thirteen, yikes), we waited for nearly three years until our freshman year in college. And to be honest, I felt ready then because I knew we were on the outs, but he was a really great guy, and I wanted him to be my first instead of a random guy in college. The sex was awful (indicative of our relationship by the end), and we broke up a few months later.

I slept with a couple of friends in college, but they weren't boyfriends. I'd known one for about a year, and the other for about five.

I met my current boyfriend online (through this lovely little world of blogging), and we talked through e-mail and chat for years before we met up. He flew out to visit me, and we slept together the first night we met face to face. Nine months later (and just two months ago), I moved halfway across the country to be with him, so I guess things worked out okay.

I don't regret waiting or jumping the gun. I think how quickly (or not) I slept with these guys says a lot about how sexually attracted I was to them and how confident I was in myself.

Anonymous said...

My fiance and I have been dating for 3 years, and i've never even seen him with his shirt off! We're not weirdos, I promise. We've had a ton of fun dating and are totally in love- We've just fought really hard to protect the physical part of our relationship... and now we will get to fully reap the benefits in our marriage. We have never slept together or with anyone else, and i am SO grateful and excited to not have the baggage or insecurity from previous relationships, and to just be focused on each other.

Katie said...

I waited until I got married. Aside from picking the right man, probably one of my best choices.

And I didn't make it because I didn't have opportunity or confidence to make a different decision. I wanted to make sure that my husband and I shared something that I hadn't shared with anyone else.

Claire said...

I agree with everyone on doing what's right for you and how you feel about the person you're with. I've slept with people I've been in relationships with, and the sex was awful and I've had amazing, passionate one night stands and vice versa. So I think it really depends. Sex is an integral part of any relationship no matter when that part begins in the span of the relationship.


I did want to mention that I think it's so unfortunate that we, as women, feel the need to qualify our own sexual empowerment ("I don't feel ashamed to admit..." "not that I'm a floozy or anything..."). We live in a society of contradictions. Sex is a pervasive part of our culture, but women feel the need to be "good girls" who are "pure" or "chaste." Waiting is seen as indicative of someone who is "marriage material," which I find to be pretty degrading and paternalistic. If you want to wait until you're married, or for date 3, or for months, or years it should be because that's what makes YOU feel happy and confident with who you are, not because you feel like it's what you SHOULD do. Or that, by waiting, you're necessarily going to find the right person. If it IS the right person, he or she will respect you for whatever decision you make.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I waited until marriage to have sex and we are so glad we did! We are each other's only experience and we are grateful we don't have memories of past relationships. I think it has definitely strengthened us! :)

Anonymous said...

I have only ever slept with my husband and we waited until marriage. I am so, so happy I waited. It is such a personal, sacred thing and to share it with one person makes it even more so. I love the fact that there is only one person on this earth who knows "everything" about me and visa versa. It makes a stronger commitment between us as husband and wife and a better marriage. We sacrificed to share all of ourselves with each other.

Molliee said...

I couldn't resist sleeping with my man on the first date - four years later, we just got engaged! Sometimes it's worth breaking the rules!

Anonymous said...

I would never tell my traditional Christian family this, but I regret waiting until marriage to sleep with my hubby. It would have been nice to get some practice in before the honeymoon! We both felt ready long before our wedding and I wish we had listened to our hearts and gone for it!

I heard so many silly reasons from family and friends to wait. In the end, every couple is different and the decision to wait or not should be one that is between the two of you and not dictated by family, friends, religion or society.

Anonymous said...

When I was young and naive I used to think it was three months, standard. Now I've come to realize a lot depends on why you're sleeping with this person (genuine mutual attraction vs. wanting to keep the person close because you're not totally sure how that person feels about you). With my current bf, we went out to lunch once, I went to his poetry reading with a friend that weekend, and that night he invited me over for "tea," but I knew what was coming. :) We've been together for almost two years.

Anonymous said...

Seconding (and thirding and fourthing) the thirty-somethings here. 33 and haven't yet. It's been an interesting journey.

Early on, it was a religious culture thing - I grew up in a community where waiting for marriage was expected and just didn't second guess that.

In my 20s, I did my fair share of "everything but" and realized that was sort of defeating the point. I had an unhealthy view of sex. I felt a lot of shame about my body and sexuality, but at the same time I was willing to do "everything but" with just about anyone.

Over time I began to develop a much healthier appreciation for my body and sexual pleasure - but that also raised the bar for me in terms of who I wanted to share it with. I decided I'd draw the line at being in a serious relationship and then feel things out from there.

But then go figure, my late 20s and early 30s ended up being consumed by career and as a result, a serious lack of long-term relationships. Now I'm 33 and honestly at this point, I'm dating to get married and finding someone that shares my faith is important to me - so after all of this, I suspect I may very well end up waiting for marriage or at least the person I marry.

I'm happy. I feel sane and healthy. But yes, I also feel like a total outlier!

Elena said...

Thanks for posting this! As someone fresh out of a 4-year relationship (who was my first/only; waited about 3 months in college), I'm have no idea how I'm going to handle this/decide in the future ha. As we were engaged, thought that would be my "only", so now it's just...confusing. Will just have to see what feels right. Excited to read all the comments.

Anonymous said...

I think it entirely depends on the person. I waited until marriage (my first time, not my husband's). But regarding a "bad" first experience - I disagree that it being painful means it's bad. It can still be amazing and really special.

Anonymous said...

Five months after our first date. We're the only person the other person has slept with and we're getting married in 18 months!

I think this is such a stressful thing for a lot people and I think its great you're talking about it!

Katie said...

i waited until i was married and my husband did the same. now i'm married to my best friend and only lover. i wouldn't want it any other way.

Tiffany said...

It's until marriage for me. Being devout to your religion will do that to you...sigh...damn it.

Lena said...

Well, first of all, I'm Swede, so there are some great culture differences. I was very young my first time, only about 15. The guy (also 15) was really nice to me and I actually remember thinking that "lets just get it over and done with"!

I guess I was curious, and I knew even then that if i blew it up to something big I would get dissipointed. We broke up about à month after, but as friends.

One important thing is that i never regretted it. It was nice and exciting but honestly, the sex was really bad (naturally). Yes I was young and probably à bit stupid, but it does not affect me today. Since I have had 2 serious relationships that have lasted several years. Everyone is different, every way is ok.

Margaret said...

I have had one night stands, I have waited a couple of dates, I have waited a couple of weeks and in my current relationship- I waited 4 months, he was a virgin and we've been together three years.
I have absolutely no regrets about my lovers and life experiences-they were who and what I wanted. We are all writing our own stories and should be able to do that the way we want to, the way we see fit. I am so glad I enjoyed having a variety of partners in college and my adulthood; I wouldn’t have done it any other way. My past experiences do not make my current relationship and the love we share any less special or meaningful. I am present, I am with him and I am so in love.

Michelle said...

I also waited until marriage because of my religion upbringing. However I regret this decision. I had an amazing boyfriend when I was 16 years old and we both loved each other very much. It would have been a great experience, but religion was in the way.

Anonymous said...

These comments have been some of the best reading EVER!!!! ("We're Jesus people" and "my current boyfriend and I banged after our second date" are my faves! You guys are awesome.)

My first (and only) was my now-husband...we slept together after about 3 months of being non-exclusive and then making it exclusive. Part of me definitely wishes I had slept with a previous boyfriend or two before "settling down". But I also can't argue against 14 years of amazing, mind-blowing marital happiness!

There's no right answer, of course. But I'm a fan of taking control of your own sexuality and eschewing outdated, sometimes medieval, beliefs about protecting your virginity. If you want it, have it. Be responsible and enjoy yourself.

Anonymous said...

On International Women's Day, I'm a bit sad to see people saying, "my way is right, the rest of you are (religious fanatics/easy)". It's a very personal decision and I think whichever way you feel is right for you is right. Let's not get down on each other for not having the same perspective.


It makes me sad to see so many women being judged because they have sex sooner, or with more than one man. If my husband and I didn't have partners before marriage, I can imagine our sex life wouldn't be as awesome as it is now. Those experiences aren't baggage- they shaped us into who we are. And it worked for us and makes us happy.

And sex doesn't always need to be a serious thing, either. It's sometimes a little weird, very exposing, and also HILARIOUS.

Anonymous said...

For those of you who waited until you got married: did you enjoy it on your wedding night? or was it kind of like Jack Mcbrayer's character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I am really curious about what it's like when you wait, because the first couple times for me were pretty uncomfortable, even though I am still in love with the man!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I dated 5 years before getting married and having sex! Thankfully, we're super compatible. Can I be honest, though? If something (God forbid) should happen to my husband and I have to enter the dating field again, I would totally have sex before marrying again! Our faith is primarily what kept us from taking the plunge before marriage, but I also think sex seems like a waaayyyy bigger deal before you actually have it! Now, after being married for 2+ years, I can't imagine ever having to wait again!

Anonymous said...

I always like to think I can wait, but I never have as much self control as I think I do.

Suffice it to say, in my experience, the longer I wait, the better. I think when I've slept with someone too quickly in the past, it ended up just turning into sex, not so much a deep relationship.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine waiting until marriage (for whatever reason). Sex is such a crucial part of a healthy relationship; why would you neglect it until your wedding night when you/the Church/your mom/whoever finally says it's okay? To me, it's like completely avoiding talking about finances before you get married, then marrying someone and finding out they have six-figures worth of credit card debt.

I've always been a little "fast" but guess what? I've never been used, never had an STD, and am still friends with many of the guys I've slept with.

Now, I'm with the love of my life (who also had slept with plenty of women before we met).

I hate the idea that some people have that if you sleep with someone before marriage, you'll a) get an STD, or b) be emotionally scarred. That's just not true.

Anonymous said...

Reading through the comments here is very interesting, so many perspectives and ideas! I have slept with men when I wanted to from waiting for 6 months to one night stands. For me it's about being empowered to make the decision that fits my life (no rushing into something b/c of pressure). My last one night stand turned into a seven year long relationship and now we have been very happily married for two years this July. Apparently it was a very good night :)

Thanks for these great discussion topics Joanna, it's been a pleasure to read them.

Janie Kamenar said...

My husband and I waited until marriage, which was a big factor in our 3-month engagement. Now, with our first child arrived and a six-week fast imposed on us, we're going crazy. That last time we kept away from each other for a similar length of time, neither of us knew what we were missing!

Anonymous said...

I waited until I was 18 and in my first serious college relationship. While that guy ended up being not-so-nice, we dated for 2 years and I don't regret that (regardless of how he felt) I was really in love with him.

My second serious boyfriend in college pursued me for 4 months and so when I decided to give "us" a chance, we were already good friends and sleeping together seemed like the natural next step.

There have been others in between that were more short-term, who I slept with faster. But they were all people I knew well and was friends with, so I don't regret any of them and I'm thankful for all the things I learned. More often than not, in the past couple years, I would date guys for months and finally break things off without sleeping with them, because I knew they weren't the right fit.

Now, I'm in a relationship with someone I work with. We had known each other for months, but only in the context of the office. One weekend he invited me out with friends and after a long day of drinking and fun, we sort of fell into bed together (the chemistry was unparalleled). I was sooo afraid that I had made a huge mistake (he had a girlfriend in another country and I was not comfortable with having a workplace "affair"). I almost broke things off, but I could feel that there was something special so after taking a break to work through our respective concerns (he broke up with his girlfriend immediately) we decided to give a relationship a shot. 8 months later... I couldn't be happier!

tamara said...

I'm surprised there are so many commenters who waited until marriage. That's a neat decision, but also one that I thought was more rare.

For me, it's varied a lot, and I think it's best to go with what feels right. In high school, I wanted to wait until I was with my first boyfriend for six months (there was a quote on Laguna Beach where LC says something like, 'good girls wait six months to give it up.' :) Of course, my mean high school ex cheated on me before we made it to six months and I'm glad I didn't sleep with him.

My longest relationship in college was funny--my ex didn't make a move for SO LONG. I think we went on five or six dates before he even kissed me. : )

I slept with my now boyfriend on our first real date, the day after we met. It felt right. : )

Nice post, Joanna. xo

Sharna said...

My husband and I both waited until we were married. I think that sex is something extremely personal, physically and emotionally. It is something that I wanted to share with the one person I know I will be with for eternity. I can't imagine having sex with anyone but my husband; that includes while we were dating (before he was my husband). I would not have changed a single thing and waiting until after we were married made it very special.

Anonymous said...

My beloved and I waited until marriage. It was such a sweet special thing for us and I'm so thankful.

Anonymous said...

It's amusing to me that most of the posters agree that 3 months is waiting a long time. That seems like such a short time to me. That said, I slept with my now husband after dating for only 1 month. To be fair, we had been friends for 6 years. I was 18 and it was my first time. I don't judge others based on their sexual history but I'm not sure that I could ever have sex with someone that I didn't love and not regret it. But it's hard for me to say because I've been with the same man for 6 years and have only had sex with him.

Anonymous said...

I never thought much about it! It never took me long to feel so completely head over heels crazy about someone! And I was always in a broken relationship when I met my new crush...so by the time the first relationship ended, I rebounded straight into the arms of the next guy...yes this happened at least 4 times! I've also been 'the cheater'. Sooooo now?
I'm a mom of two boys, but my partner and I never got married. We will, one day, but house and kids was more important than planning a sensational party...

jen said...

I waited until my wedding night for reasons relating to my religious upbringing (views i don't ascribe to now). I don't regret waiting, I think it saved me a lot of drama and heartache during high school, college and early adult years to not have to mess with it. we've been very happily married for 9 years now.
however, if something were to happen and i found myself single again - i definitely would not wait until marriage again. i think waiting for the first time is easy, but once you know what you're missing...too hard! ha ha.

Anonymous said...

I believe that "saving myself for marriage" is an archaic mysogenistic idea and that boat sailed away long ago. I am a sexual being and, as such, am free to explore all the bounds of love and lust and everything in between, yet still my body is my temple- and no man may put asunder. I have had all kinds of sex and wow, was it all a blast! Now married to someone I waited three weeks to seal the deal with, I am still convinced that waiting till marriage would have been a disaster for me. I got married late and would have gone mad being a virgin for that long. Representing the "women" who want to have a good time and fulfill their urges!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the many comments on waiting till it feels right. Before I met my boyfriend I had slept with two men - both ones I was not madly in love with. But I do not regret it. It's part of growing up and knowing when your love is real.

Anonymous said...

I was raised Mormon so I waited til marriage. Met my husband in our early twenties and got married four months later. He proposed after three months and then neither of us wanted to wait much longer after that. Several years later I couldn't be happier with my husband or our sex life. Don't regret anything about it:)

gia said...

Wow I like the comments on here, pretty conservative- in a good way. I usually wait 6 months. At 31, I'm taking a break all together, because I felt really pressured in my last rltnshp.- looking back on it, it was something I don't want to do again. xo

Anonymous said...

I'm originally from South Florida, but moved to Alabama two months ago for work. Back in FL, I wasn't exactly quick to jump in bed, but if I liked someone I'd probably end up sleeping with them after about the fourth or fifth date, and it usually lead to a relationship. Anyway, I went out with a guy I met up here recently and, after the fourth date, we went back to my place to "watch a movie"- didn't end up sleeping together, but we did hook up. A few days later, he calls me and tells me he isn't sure it's going to work out because he felt like we were moving too fast. I'm curious: Is this a Southern thing? I've never been in a situation where I felt like I was moving too fast for the guy! Anyone else have experiences like this??

melanie said...

i'm waiting until i get married :)

Kit said...

I'm waiting until I'm married! 25 and a virgin, totally proud of it. I'm a very passionate woman so for me it's kind of all or nothing... to me the absolute greatest gift I can give my future husband is that I waited for him, not because it was super easy but because it was so difficult! I do think the ladies (@jen) who say it'd be so much harder once you know what you're missing have to be right. I can't imagine waiting already having crossed that line and have TREMENDOUS respect for the ones that do.

Anonymous said...

I am waiting until marriage. 5 1/2 years of waiting down and many more to come. I know it's not for everyone, but I know it will be worth it. We are great for each other and I know we will be great together when we are married.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I think it's too bad that everyone who is a virgin or was a virgin until marriage feels the need to say, "we're not weird!" Of course you're not weird! You have great self-control, something which is not easy. (In the history of the world, you're actually normal! :))

Our culture puts such a top priority on self-discipline with food and exercise, but when it comes to sex, people who have the self-discipline to wait are made to feel like outcasts, and that's really unjust. I think the fact that everyone who commented here that they waited for their husbands are super happy about it should be an indicator that they are not crazy - and maybe they even have some experience the rest of us could learn from. Thanks for sharing your stories!

wingsandrust said...

My husband and I made out like teenagers on our first date and totally ending up doing "it". I don't regret that at all. I like to think we just knew that this was for us or....or we're both big floozies. Either way-it worked out just fine.

Anonymous said...

My (now) fiance and I began dating when I was 16 and a sophomore and he was an 18-year-old senior. Scandalous to my parents! :) We waited 3 months. I think it was an eternity to him because we literally spent every day together, and he knew I was "the one" from the start. He was also more mature in that arena (although a still a virgin) and just more READY than me.

I was such a baby from a sheltered home, and I think we could have waited a little bit longer. BUT I can't deny that I wanted to do it just as much as he did, and it was great, and it's only gotten a thousand times better in the last 8 years.

It's fascinating to think about how much our sex life has evolved from excited, crazy, and stupid to confident, passionate, and intense. Growing up together has bonded us so tightly in every way, including sexually. And we're finally getting married this June! We're soulmates (that word always sounds silly, but I also find it appropriate), but we've never lived together, and I'm excitedly anxious for that!

Bethany said...

I grew up in a sheltered Christian home, high school, and college, which resulted in me finally losing my virginity at 23, on a first date, with a guy I had just met. Huge regret for me, and a result of wanting to get everything I thought I needed to experience in my life out of the way in one winter.

Now I am in a relationship and have been for a year with a wonderful, caring, amazing man who I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with. We've discussed marriage, and he is a virgin and wants to wait until at least our engagement. This is hard for me,but I am so happy and know it will be incredible if we can stick it out. It's also done wonders for my self-worth, as I have definitely viewed my sexual prowess as my only asset in the past.

My biggest regret is not waiting for the right person to come to me, and thinking I had to make things happen on my own. I wish so much I could say my boyfriend now would be the only one I had slept with, but because I was impatient and felt like I would be a virgin forever, I threw that away on guys who TOTALLY did not deserve it.

Jet said...

My mom gave me great advice when I was a teenager. She told me that a tremendous amount of pressure is put on girls by boys to have sex, and by our society not to have sex. She told me ultimately sex is about me feeling good, and being happy. She told me I should never have sex out of pressure, and never abstain from sex because of pressure. She told me to know what feels good, and what I want before I started having sex. And she told me sex is best when you really and truly love someone, but it 100% ok to have sex if you are just plain hot for someone.

I was a shy teenager, and the pickings were slim in my small town. So I waited until my freshman year, and after dating a boyfriend for 3 months, we did it. It was actually AWESOME because I already knew what I liked, and felt really confident in myself.

Since then, I've had sex with lots of boyfriends, and I turned down even more men. I've always felt confident and clear about what I wanted, and never had sex to please anyone if it didn't also please myself.

I met the guy I know I am going to be with for the rest of my life a year ago, and took it pretty slow with him at first.

Ultimately, girls get way to much pressure to be "good" or not to be a "slut" or . . . sadly . . . are raped.

The best thing we can do as a culture is to tell women and girls that it is their choice, and to do what feels good.

Anonymous said...

I slept with my now husband on the second date! We have been together for 6 six years (3 as a married couple) and couldn't be happier or more in love! :D

Anonymous said...

In college, I would wait a month or so before sleeping with the guy I was dating. After college and a post-college break-up, I went on friendly dates but didn't feel any strong attraction to anyone. Last winter, I traveled across the country to visit a dear friend. We went out to a local bar, where I made eye contact with a very attractive man and we started chatting. We had an instant mutual infatuation, and slept together that night (with my friend's permission!) Now, over a year later, we have moved to the same city and are very much in love. I've never been so attracted to a person; the first night rush of butterflies never went away.

I definitely do not think that this one-night-stand-into-relationship method is good for everyone or every relationship, but it worked for us. I don't think it's a question of the "right time" for sex, only a question of whether two people who are right for one another.

MJ said...

We waited until our wedding night because we are Bible-following Christians. Let me tell you - it was HARD. But we will always always be glad we did. It was the most special night of my life.

gigi said...

Firstly, I am shocked by how many women wait until marriage! Anyone know the stats on this?

As for the nookie, I was a late bloomer (22) and really scared that it had taken me so long to do it so we waited 3 months. He is now my husband (though that isn't why I slept with him) and it was one of the best parts of courtship! The first time was a dud but we've been hitting them out of the park ever since!

Anonymous said...

I agree with others who say that It depends on you partner and whatever circumstances make you feel comfortable. However, I think women need to feel empowered in sex and playing the waiting game or putting sex on a pedestal even though you feel "ready" is kind of pointless and can even be detrimental! There's no virgin trophy for waiting it out!

Ive been with my husband for 10 years, we had sex 2 weeks after our first date. I've had sex with a few bfs before that, but I have no regrets- they were just experiences that lead up to my relationship with my husband. I'm glad we both were able to experience other partners before we had each other- by the time we got together we were both EMPOWERED!!

As long as you are protecting yourself from STDs and pregnancy, if you feel comfortable, go for it!

Eliza Ligaya said...

I waited until I got married. I was lucky though and found my husband when I was eighteen. We didnt get married until I was twenty (he didnt want to marry a teenager, he is four years my senior) and we have been married for two very nice years.

Danhiskka said...

Oh dear, how on Earth can you WAIT?? I was 21 the first time ( it was with a friend and it was hilarious). The next one was my boyfriend, I knew him 18 months ago, and we slept together on our third date, because he didn´t want to push me!(my silly boy)So, to hurry things up, I show up at his place with wine and cheese, he made salad and we watch Dr. Who and the next morning we made breakfast together and burnt the toasts.

Shelley said...

4 and a half years! of course we were only 14 when we started dating ha.

We are now 23 and after 9 years of dating we are very happy we waited.

Meredith said...

I respectfully disagree with Julie, who wrote "Well, if people can say, 'I DON'T think there's a right answer,' I guess that gives me the freedom to say that I DO think there's a right answer"--that is the right answer for YOU.

I waited till I was 24, but I'm 32 now and still haven't met the right guy. I've had a few boyfriends since and the amount of time I have waited has varied--and sometimes it hasn't happened.

I have total respect for people who manage to wait till marriage, but also know of plenty of people who did only to be disappointed by the sex with their spouse and ultimately divorced them.

Just as there is "no right answer" as to whether or not you should have a natural childbirth or get the epidural or go for a C section, there's no "right" answer to this question. It's personal, and listening to your heart and trusting your instincts seems to be a better guide than asking any other individual to tell you what's "right."

mondayjane said...

My husband and I waited about 6 wks which was the longest I have ever waited! It was worth it though.

The funny thing is, we had an unplanned pregnancy just four months later ... now we have our darling 2.5 year old daughter and another one on the way. Sometimes it doesn't matter how long you wait, life will direct its course for you!

Anonymous said...

I grew up thinking that I would probably wait until I was married...but then I fell in love and realized that even if he wasn't my forever guy, I would never regret sharing the experience with him. We waited about year, until I was 18, and I am still glad that he was my first.
After that relationship ended I dated two other guys that I cared enough about to be intimate with and about 5 or 6 whose company I enjoyed but never wanted to share that connection with.
Now I am with the man I am going to marry and have been with him for 5 years. We slept together after 3 months but at that point we both knew it was forever for us and there would never be anyone else.
I don't regret any of my experiences and I think I owe it all to my mom. She always told me that if I was responsible and I loved the person I was with, the physical expression of that love was only natural. She always reminded me to really think about what I was doing and make sure my decision now would still make me happy in the future, even if the relationship ended. Her advice never steered me wrong!

Anonymous said...

We waited until we were married (so about a year and a half), and for me it was totally worth it. I love knowing that he's never been with anyone else (and neither have I). I think it also let us get closer while dating because there wasn't the pressure of "when are we going to have sex??", so we could really focus on the friendship side of things. We both knew it wouldn't happen until after marriage, so we didn't have to worry about it. Not that that made it easier to wait :)

Breakfast at the Zemke's said...

I waited til my wedding night to have sex. I'm so glad I did cause I believe sex to be a very important and loving act and I didn't want to do it with anyone until I was married to them and 100% committed.

Anonymous said...

I've had three important relationships: one started in high school with a boy who was also one of my best friends, and though we never officially dated, there was always something going on; the second was a 3.5 month relationship my freshman year of college, and finally my current boyfriend, who I've been dating for 4.5 years. The current boy and I had sex after 9 months. It was both our first time and we were both 21. I definitely did not grow up in a religion-based home, but I just always thought it was something I should wait to do - not until marriage in my case - but just until I felt like it really was time. It's nice to know that we've only been with each other and that we experienced that together.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have never slept with anyone besides eachother, and this was after we got married. While I think this choice is personal and different for everyone, I will say that this is one of the things I love most about us. We have only shared this most intimate thing together, and I think this is beautiful.

aimeejaney said...

Me and my boyfriend started dating 3 years ago, when we were 15, but we waited until he had just turned 18 and I was about to before doing anything- I think this was important because we both grew up in christian households were waiting until marriage was taught, but after so long together we felt it was right as the next step, and dont feel any regrets!

Anonymous said...

we dated for 5 years ... and waited. it was incredibly hard at certain moments (when you're making out and just don't want to stop), but SO incredibly worth it.

obviously, i didn't experience our what-could-have-been dating sex, but we share now is through the roof amazing, fulfilling, and ... beautiful. i guess i really can't imagine it any other way.

xo

Anonymous said...

The fact that society so easily labels women "sluts" or "whores" saddens me... I think that if you have the desire to be sexual - do so. Be responsible about protecting yourself physically, and use your best judgement in protecting yourself emotionally.
My first boyfriend (college) and I waited about three weeks, whereas my next boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me until we were "in love". After two months of that, I still wonder if I said the "I love you" just to finally be able to sleep with him (yikes). After that, I think I generally wait about until about the third date, but I don't have a set rule, I just really base it on my comfort level.

- female, 25, los angeles

-A- said...

I am actually shocked by how many "waiting" and "waited" for marriage comments are on here. I'm 30 years old. I've had sex with over 20 partners. I've had solid relationships with some of these people lasting up to 3 years, and some of them I've never spoken to again after we did the deed. I do not regret a single sexual encounter I've ever had. Each one has taught me something about msyelf, my needs, and my desires. I'm seeing a man right now. We banged the first night we met. That was six months ago. We're rediculously in love.

My point - have SAFE sex! Lots of it! Enjoy it! Whenever you want! We all deserve it.

Betsy said...

I am 25, my fiancé is 30, and we are waiting until our wedding day (36 days to go- ha!) It sure hasn't been easy- he is quite hunky! It took a great deal of mutual respect, boundaries, and prayer. It also allowed us to focus more on our relationship and friendship. We truly believe sex is such a sacred gift and words can't even explain how much it means to me that he has saved himself for me. He has dated many a pretty girl, and the fact that he kept me in mind before he even knew me is the greatest gift he could ever give me. Although I've never had sex, I know it unites two people. It knits their hearts together and that is how God designed it. I cannot imagine sharing it with anyone else. Thanks for bringing up such a typically taboo topic, Joanna!

Anonymous said...

After 5+ years of dating, it was the wedding night. Talk about a lesson in patience.

Anonymous said...

My husband, being older, has had sex with multiple partners, but he is the only person I've slept with. I guess I'm glad I waited, but the older I get and the more mellowed out I become, I don't think I would regret having had sex with other people before I was married... Far too often sex is viewed to be bad and something we have to deprive ourselves of. I think that really tainted my view of sex, and still effects the way I look at sex, even now as a married woman.

-sleepless in seattle

Aya said...

I agree that there is no one answer for everyone. I slept with my boyfriend on our second date, 8 years after first meeting him. I think I can still be pure and share with him something beautiful without it being my first time. I think I can be pure of heart and have self-respect and self-worth and still have had one night stands. My self-respect is not dependent on me saying "no." It's dependent on me gauging each situation for myself, saying no sometimes and "hell yes!" other times. I have had some great loves in my life, some doozies and some wild fun times. Each time and each partner is different. Love with my boyfriend of three years is glorious. My past relationships make it all the more special because I know what I have and know what to do.

Anonymous said...

I've been dating my boyfriend (now fiance) for seven years (we started dating in high school!), and we're waiting until after we're married (five months to go -- woo!). Our decision doesn't make us better or worse than anyone else, it's just what felt right to us!

Natalie said...

My husband and I waited until marriage (after dating for a year and a half). It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. It's something special and complicated and what we both always knew we wanted. People think it's impossible, but it's not!

Aya said...

ps--Totally agree with you Jet.

Isabelle said...

Can I say it... I feel like I am stepping out of the norm with all those comments about waiting for mariage to have sex (are there stats out there ?)... not that it is something I frowned upon but I would not have guessed there would be as much. Ok i'll say it :

As Samantha said : "Before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive"

There, said it...

Sarah Hope Dickert said...

It rubs me the wrong way that people like Anna and Julia bash all these ladies that waited until marriage to have sex. It's a personal choice! Sure, you may think the notion is archaic, etc... but that's why you get to CHOSE what you want to do with your OWN body. You can't knock other girls for what they chose to do with theirs! If someone criticized you for having sex before marriage, it wouldn't be cool. No worries-- do or don't have sex... it doesn't matter; every relationship is different! But we, as ladies, should get past the criticisms of each other for making choices just because they are not the ones we would make. It's just not fair to bash other people's relationship choices.

Time to be more accepting of everyone, including people's ideas and worldviews.

Whitney said...

I waited until I was married, I was raised in a conservative family, but ultimately I knew I could make my own choices. Both my husband and I were virgins and it was special our first time. It took us some time to get in the groove but I would never have changed it. I think that people who can't believe that I waited because sex is an important part of marriage are missing the most important part of marriage is LOVE. If you truly love someone than the sex will be great, even if it may take some time.

Lindsay Himmer said...

My husband and I waited to have sex until we were married. I have NEVER regretted it! I love that we have only shared this part of ourselves with each other.

Erin said...

We met online...chatted for 3 weeks...talked on the phone for 2..met one Sunday afternoon..and I was late for work the next morning! I married him 3 years ago. I too am a little surprised reading the responses. I am an educated, successful woman of 40 and have had many partners over the years. I am glad to be a woman who has "choice". I haven't always made the right choices, but I don't have regrets either. Happy International Woman's Day!

Anonymous said...

I waited until marriage, and I am so, so happy that I did. No, the wedding night wasn't magical--we were two naive Christians who had no idea WHAT we were doing! BUT out of love and respect for each other we took our time and made the journey together. And it has been incredible.

Christa Victoria Chandler said...

I usually didn't wait long at all, a couple of dates or whatever (I just really enjoy sex!) However, with my now husband I waited two weeks after we started dating (I'd been friends with him for 9 months before that). Personally, I always knew I wouldn't wait until marriage, and I think that some of you ladies missed out, but of course to each her own.

Anonymous said...

(Sorry if this posts twice, I didn't think it worked the first time!)

I'm 28, and my fiance is 30. I had slept with 8 people before meeting him. Some of them I waited a few months, one or two just a few dates, and one of them I waited five years (a close friend). He had only slept with one woman before meeting me, so he was definitely on the waiting side of things.

My fiance and I met online, and under weird circumstances. He was on one side of the country, and I was on the other dealing with some surprise family problems. We didn't get to meet for almost two months, but we fell in love immediately (I told him I loved him on day six, but definitely felt it on day two!) over nightly 7-hour (or longer) phone calls. We would call when we woke up, talk throughout the day, watch movies together on webcam, and fall asleep together every night. We both felt that we were in a very serious relationship from the very beginning, and knew that we had found the person we would spend the rest of our lives with.

So, when I finally came back, we met (surreally) at a park near my house. We walked around for an hour or two, then giddily came back to my place and immediately threw our clothes off in the middle of the afternoon. So technically, we waited less than two hours! But it was (and still is) the best sex I could ever imagine. We had had phone sex (surprisingly wonderful, but still a little embarrassing to admit!) every night since about the second week of knowing each other, so we knew what the other liked, and that certainly made things easier. But more than that, we knew each other so incredibly well that there was a closeness that I had never felt before.

In the end, I am so, so, so glad that our relationship faced the weird beginning that it did. If I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing - waiting the way we did made our relationship incredibly strong and durable, and the not-waiting at the end of the wait made things so much more exciting (I still can't get the image of him taking his shirt off by my front door out of my head whenever I walk in the house).

- Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Great topic Joanna! I think this is the first time I have ever read every single comment on a thread that is this long.

I slept with a few guys the summer before college because I just wanted to "get it over with" and see what the big deal was. I do regret those.

Then, I slept with my boyfriend freshman year of college pretty early on in the relationship. Although that relationship did not result in marriage (we dated through all four years of college) I have no regrets. Mainly because although the sex was, at times, mind blowing and incredible, it cannot live up to what I now share with my husband.

Sex with my husband (who I slept with after a month of dating) is so different than sex with the Ex. There is a connection there that is just so wonderful and (cheesiest shit ever but don't know how else to say it) soul-melding. I appreciate sex with him that much more because although I had fabulous sex with the ex, it just can't hold a candle to what I share with my husband.

PS. Our honeymoon was AMAZING and I'm so glad we got in plenty of practice beforehand ;)

Erin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maurin said...

I think it's sort of obnoxious that those who waited until marriage are self-righteous enough to proclaim it was "so special." As if whenever I have sex with my husband it is less special because we've had partners in the past.

I've also yet to hear a compelling argument to abstaining til marriage that does not include the Bible or an unrealistic fear of STDs.

Megan said...

My friends and I used to think that the 5th date was a reasonable moment to have sex. I´m not sure about that anymore. But let me explain where this number came from: If you are dating him once a week, lets say on weekends, by the 5th time it would be a month since you started dating...
We were under the impression that men wouldn´t wait much more. Yes, I know...its kind of a pathetic way to think, but I feel that, nowadays men would easily find a another woman willing to do it.
I can imagine your answer: if he really loves/likes you, he will wait...But could he really know if it´s worth to wait for you in such a short time? If he has a girl willing to have sex with him before, wouldn´t he choose her??
I`m not sure of this anymore... I would like to know what do you think about!!!

Sarah Carlson said...

This is one of the most fascinating & difficult parts about dating. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. I'm only in college-we're "high school sweethearts". We're still enjoying little things like sneaking a kiss in the elevator before it opens to the second floor. :) So far, I'm not at all embarrassed or regretful saying that we're still not at that point in our relationship. In a very old school way, we both love the idea of waiting until marriage, sharing something special that you only give once to the one you're with forever. Whether that be with each other, or we have that with someone else in the future, is irrelevant because right now, we love each other & make each other happy without that element. Someday, that'll change. But I'm glad I've waited thus far.

Kara said...

such a great topic! obviously it's different for everyone... blah blah blah... but i think there's a little bit of liberation in having sex when you're ready, rather than over-thinking what society will think of you later.

i've waited years, months, and then with my current boyfriend i had sex on the very first date. we're sexual beings, and i feel that if you are both ready to take it there.. go for it!

i will say, with my current boyfriend i wasn't really looking for a relationship and was just ''having fun''... he ended up staying the whole weekend and needless to say we began dating exclusivley shortly after that ;)

everything is a learning experience, so i've never regretted anyone that i've slept with.

xx, kara

Brittany Messner said...

I waited until marriage!

I'm 23 and, yes, I was a virgin when we were married. It's something I've really never regretted, given it "was" a little difficult during the engagement months ;)

I guess part of it is that I grew up in a Christian home and it has just always been engrained in me to wait until marriage..but also I think that even if I hadn't been raised that way I would still wait.

I like that when my husband and I got married that my virginity was a gift that I could give to him and no one else. While it made the wedding night somewhat...painful haha...it made it that much more special too!

xx -b.

Anonymous said...

I slept with my husband the first night I met him. :)

Anonymous said...

With previous boyfriends it never felt right, so we never slept together. With my now-husband, we waited about 2 years - we were engaged & living together and it felt slightly ridiculous to continue waiting. My main motivation at that point for waiting was religious reasons - not being allowed to receive communion if I did - but there was also a part of me that was tired of waiting (I was 29) and I didn't relish the idea of an awkward wedding night. So we got a little practice in, took a break for a few months, and the wedding night was something to look forward to, not worry about. A good decision, in hindsight.

Also, I've never seen so many women admitting virginity into their late 20s and 30s - it's such a relief to know I wasn't the only one (it always FELT that way) who was a normal, well-adjusted person who happened to be a virgin. Not something to be ashamed of.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow, I didn't realize there were so many conservatives in the readership! Or maybe more conservatives are commenting, as (not having) sex tends to be a big subject in the religious young adult community.

I agree with a lot of commenters, that it really depends on the relationship. I waited a month for one boyfriend in college, and three months for a later boyfriend in grad school. I'm glad I didn't wait until marriage because I feel so much more confident and comfortable about myself and the focus of my relationships is about the relationship, not (not having) sex.

Anonymous said...

What a fascinating read! I am a little surprised by all the "waited until marriage" comments, too, but mostly because I only have 1 friend that did that. But hey, to each his own!

My first was my high school boyfriend - we waited a year. I was 18. I loved him (a young and first love, but still), and I don't regret it at all. There were a few others in my early 20s, including relationships (where I waited a couple months), to friends I'd had for a while, to happy and fun vacation hookups. I started dating my now-husband after knowing him for 3 years. We still went slowly after we started dating, waiting a few months. And now it's almost 13 years later. I don't regret my pre-marriage sex, and I'm glad my husband wasn't a virgin either.

But like so many other commenters have noted....it totally depends on the person, the guy, the situation. Do what's right for you.

Jenna said...

I was raised Mormon, so I waited until I was married (age 21, so I didn't have to wait that long!). However, I actually do regret not having more experiences prior to marriage. I adore my husband and we have pretty good sex, yet I no longer believe that waiting is worth it. I shudder to think of the sexual incompatibility that is found in a good number of marriages where they didn't get to experience each other prior to the wedding night. It is a real thing...I've heard sad stories first-hand.
Someday, while I will teach my children to play it very safe, and I will strongly encourage them to wait until they are at least in college- I will not place restrictions on them that could encourage them to dive too soon into marriage just for the sex, or end up married to someone who they are not compatible with.

Glad I waited! said...

I dont think it is "self-righteous" to proclaim that waiting until I was married made sex "so special." Of course it was special! I for one am not trying to imply that having sex with your husband is any less special because had partners in the past. Sexuality is such a personal thing. My husband and I decided to wait.

I understand that not everyone is religious, but I am. So yes, a big part of my decision to wait was because of my religious beliefs.

I know a lot of people think that I do not respect myself because waited until I was married or at least that I missed out on something. I totally disagree. My husband and I have an amazing sex life, I wouldnt have it any other way.

Anonymous said...

I'm all over the map. My first time was in college with a guy at a party, and to be honest I can't even remember his name. For whatever reason I decided that I just wanted to get on with it, and I didn't want it to be emotional with some boyfriend that I would get super attached to. I don't regret that decision at all. Since then I've waited a couple months with some guys, and some I never slept with at all. I thought I ruined any chance of a real relationship when I slept with a guy on the first date, but six years later we're married with a baby, so I guess there's no right and wrong time to do it.

Jessica Thiessen said...

I wanted until I was married and I'm super glad I did! Because we didn't have an sexual baggage, it is easy to be sexually bold. In no way do I judge those who have sex before they get married. For myself, it was the best decision I ever stuck to!

I love that you are talking about sex! It's such a great and extremely important topic.

Cams said...

I waited 3 dates - then got down to business with my now fiance. No regrets, totally awesome the first time and thereafter. I believe it depends on the individual, certainly can't judge those who wait but I don't think I lost out on anything by getting intimate so quickly.

she said...

well, the first time i slept with my husband of 8 years we were in the bathroom of a hotel room party in college. we were very drunk and it wasn't very "special", but we've had "special" sex since then (especially when trying to get pregnant - fun!). 10 years, a dog, a house and a baby later i'm pretty glad we did.

Anonymous said...

It totally depends on the person, the couple, the relationship, etc...

Personally, I wish I waited. Not waited to lose my virginity (early 20's), but waited more time after meeting the person. Since I lost my virginity in my early 20's, I felt like a late bloomer & weirdly felt pressured to play "catch up" with my more experienced friends. Gosh, now that more than 10-15 years have passed I wish I could say to my younger self that it's okay to take your time to get to know someone & you don't have to hurtle - head-first & so fast - towards getting intimate with someone. I wish I took the time to get to know myself better before letting others get to know my so intimately.

Anonymous said...

I feel like the concept of virginity is so heronormative. It doesn't include gay and lesbians in the conversation at all, and forces straight women to define real sex as having vaginal sex.

Anonymous said...

You're right, it's not self-righteous at all! I'm still a virgin at 32, waiting for the man I marry. I have a happy and healthy dating life, and have NEVER encountered a guy who had problems with me not giving it up. This is my choice, and it's a choice that's worked very well for me. And no-one should be ashamed - or criticized - for well thought out choices that make them happy and secure. Waiting for marriage doesn't make you "weird" or "a prude" or whatever else. It's just part of who you are.

Anonymous said...

I waited over a year to sleep with my boyfriend at 22 and then I waited 3 months to sleep with my now husband at 26. I don't regret anything. I don't regret not sleeping with previous boyfriends or sleeping with my now husband only after 3 months. I say... Whatever works for you.

Kelsi said...

I planned to wait until marriage. I made an exception for the man I eventually married. I was 22, and I had no regrets for waiting as long as I did, or for deciding not to wait anymore.

He cheated on me five months into our marriage--- repeatedly--- and I left him. When I met my current beau on a dating website, he was also recently divorced. We both knew what we wanted and after speaking back and forth for a few weeks, we had our first real date. We went out for dinner and stayed at the restaurant talking for over three hours. I invited him back to my place. We ended up spending the weekend together and on day three he baked me chocolate chip cookies.

Our chemistry goes beyond lust (which is something I'd indulged in after my marriage and I understand); we have a deep respect for one another. I'm currently hobbling around on a sprained knee, and his guy drives to my house in a snow storm to shovel my sidewalk for me. He lays in my side of the bed first to warm it up for me.

We are both adults who have both tried to do what we thought was right and good to the best of our ability in our previous relationships. We now both know what we are looking for and weren't afraid to talk about the "big stuff" right away (stuff that could be a dealbreaker if we disagreed, like believing in God or wanting to have children someday). To others it may seem fast-paced and weird, but we're not discussing it because we're going to implement them right now... we just know where our priorities are. Now we can take our time loving each other and taking that journey together. =)

Ana of Blog Milk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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