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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Four things to say to a friend after a bad breakup

After graduating from college, I went through a rough breakup...

...I had been dating a guy for almost two years; and, after I moved to New York while he stayed in Michigan, we realized we had grown apart. We both agreed to break up (and now I'm so glad we did!)...but at the time, my heart was in a blender. Thankfully, I still remember what people said and did that really helped, and I try to do the same thing for my friends now going through breakups...

Four things to do for a friend after a breakup:

1. Say two little words. When your heartbroken friend is talking about her worries, she's probably also wondering if she's annoying you. The best thing you can say to someone who's spilling her woes? "What else?" You'll show her that you support her and want her to share all her thoughts--as long as it takes. My friend Colby used to say this when I was upset ("Mmmhmm, I know...what else?"), and I CANNOT tell you how amazing it was. Just those two little words.

2. "You will be happy again." My mom said this to me in the car years ago, when I was crying after breaking up with my college boyfriend. It was incredibly comforting to hear. When you're heartbroken, it's hard to imagine ever feeling differently, and her words made me feel hopeful: I could give myself time to mourn the end of the relationship, but then it would pass.

3. Boost her up. Tell her how smart/funny/beautiful she is! Getting dumped can be a blow to a person's self-esteem, and she might be thinking that she's not pretty enough, not fun enough, not love-able enough. So tell her exactly why you adore her and how wonderful she is. Make a list if you want!

4. Get her a massage. My friend Erin recently told me that she gave her best friend a gift certificate for a professional massage, when she was going through a breakup. Isn't that a brilliant idea? I once read that when you break up with a romantic partner, you often miss the touch as much as the actual person. Your body can physically miss them. A massage would help her feel touched, relaxed and pampered--and help release endorphins to make her feel happier. What an awesome idea.

What do you say to friends who are going through a breakup? What has helped you when you're in that situation? Have you ever been through a really tough one? Are any of you going through a breakup right now? We've all been there!!

(Photos by Virginia Galvez and Ginthefer)

262 comments:

1 – 200 of 262   Newer›   Newest»
Chelle | The Feather Den said...

Great advice! I'm so awkward when this sort of thing happens.

x Michelle | thefeatherden.net

Shawnee said...

great tips!! #4 is so true...after a break-up of mine, i missed the hugs/cuddling...
i will definitely keep these in the back of my mind (unfortunately ive had to deal with quite a few friends w/breakups..not easy stuff)
xo

Naurnie said...

Whenever I am in despair about something, I have a dear friend who always just says, "That REALLY sucks." Because sometimes, there is nothing else to say and you just need to hear it from someone else.

Erika Peterson said...

Sometimes saying nothing works too! Just bring over a good (non-romantic) movie and a bottle of wine. Ready to talk when she's ready to talk, but not require it! Just being with someone who recently breaks up seems to be key.

Elicia said...

What else. That's so perfect.

Champagne Cocktails, Cashmere Dreams said...

I think the most important thing is to make sure that your friend does not feel alone. Have a sleepover, take her to lunch, bake together and she will be able to unload. In college a friend of mine once brought me a piece of cake and just sat on the couch with me watching movies for hours. It was just having her there that made me feel so much better. I think the "you will be happy again" is a wonderfully comforting thing to hear-especially from a parent.

http://champagnecocktailscashmeredreams.blogspot.com/

Joanna Goddard said...

these are awesome tips. also....sex & the city reruns! :)

Panda Head said...

in miranda july's "learning to love you more" there's a whole section on how-to's, including how to get over a break up. THAT thing will have you in tears of empathy/empowerment.

Monica | Hola!design said...

great post! I love the massage idea. another good tip is to give your friend a gift certificate to a haircut or beauty makeover. I'm a big believer of "when you look good, you feel good"!

Laura J said...

When one of my best friends in college was going through a really tough time, I told her I was picking her up, not to change and to bring only her ID. I took her on a random car trip with a couple other friends, literally not knowing where we were going but taking random turns and blasting music. Ended up at a habachi grill where we treated her to dinner and wine, and drove back home (which was difficult by the way). Sometimes all you need is a spontaneous distraction. And girlfriends. And music and wine. Oh, and pajamas.

Anonymous said...

One of the most valuable things I learned in nursing school were things to say to people in mourning. I have found that these lessons apply to so many situations. My favorite is "this must be very difficult for you, tell me more about it". It validates his/her feelings, and doesn't that always feel good? It also opens up to conversation for more sharing (not unlike "what else?")

Sarah O'Brien said...

great tips, I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of six months and what's worse we've been friends for going on nine years. I'm moving to New York in a few months and he said NYC wasn't a city he could ever live in. He was extremely upset with me but I have to do it for job reasons (and it's ultimately where I want to be) and I'm devestated because everything was going really well. But these were very helpful, thank you Jo!

Meredith said...

I think your #3 is important--even if it's hard for her to believe at the time. Being single is hard--especially for the ego. Having someone you admire and love tell you how awesome you are makes it a little easier to believe those things about yourself.

Also, I was just reading an article about what NOT to say when your friend (once she gets over the breakup and back to dating) has a good date. When someone tells you about her awesome first date, you should refrain from asking her "so when are you going to see him again?" I realized that I had been asked this by friends MANY times, and it always knocks you down a few feet. Just assume it will happen soon, and let her celebrate a fun first date!

MaviDeniz said...

One of the things that helped me was hearing, "no matter what, I'll always be here and you can call me whenever you need to talk". Just knowing that I can pick up the phone and call my best friend at any time of the day and she would listen to me and give me feedback meant so much to me.

At the end of the day it's good to know that you can lean on friends and family

Xo

Elena, Caffeinerd said...

Was basically dumped a month before my wedding recently, so certainly took these to heart! Also have friends going through breakups right now, so loved reading this. Sometimes girlfriends believing in a positive future for you (& building you up), even when you can't see it, means so very much.

caralindsay said...

In college, the first week of freshman year one of my now best friends was dumped on the phone by her first serious high school boyfriend (classy I know). We had a girls night where we all bought all the 'candy by the pound' we could fit in our bags blew up an air mattress and all cuddled up in bed in one dorm room and sobbed through The Notebook. The crying was therapeutic and now every time theres a breakup or were feeling sad we have a ‘gal pal’ weekend, no boys allowed it’s so great!! Also, he doesn’t deserve you always works, because it’s usually true!

Mandy Koster said...

Such great advice! The best thing, I think is just to be there for her and show her that you understand her pain.

X Mandy

http://mandykoster.blogspot.com

Molliee said...

such perfect ideas. I agree with the "what else?" one. So needed!

Anonymous said...

another amazing thing to hear is "you did the right thing." whether you were the dump-er or the dump-ee, a breakup can be a really confusing time! you never know if you are handling it well, handling it poorly, ruining your life, making the best decision of your life, what! so long as your friend is taking care of herself, she will likely be thankful to know that others recognize her strength and logic in a highly emotional time.

--daisy

missandmatch said...

I used to remind my friends who were going through a breakup that Ryan Gosling is single! But since that no longer is the case I just give them the mic for as long as they need.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Joanna as always for sharing your experience with us! :) I'm going through a rough break-up right now (after 2 years of relationship and I'm 24) and that is exactly what I want to hear from my friends! I found it very helping when they just let me talk about my problems without trying to give any advice. Sometimes situations are more intricate than they seem, and if you want to be a supportive friend you just have to listen.

Clio from Italy

Carolina Danna said...

My mom once said something like yours did...she said I would get through it, said it would be 'hard but not impossible'...that phrase really changed my way of thinking and I think of that not just when I'm going through a break up, but I apply it to different situations.

Bethany Susan said...

I recently broke it off with my fiance, who I had been with for eight years.

All of your suggestions are very helpful.

What also really helped me were two more things: first, GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE. Doesn't matter if it's just on a walk, for drinks, for a bagel. Sitting around at home dwelling on things makes it worse.

Second, help them plan for the future! Plan trips, outings, education.. It helps to imagine that your life will go on after this (just like 'you will be happy again') and gives you something to look forward to!

Sherri Mitchell said...

Aww, I loved that you wrote "and I am so glad I did" with a link to the Daddy and Baby post....Sweet!!! That was your destiny.

I always say "I can't imagine what you are going through" and "It must be so hard, but I know you are strong and will survive this"...with basically anything. It just lets the other person know I am not in the place she is, but am there beside her letting her feel it and then lean on me if she needs to. I have learned people just don't want to hear OH I know how you feel. Because we don't know how they feel at that precise moment. Even in pain, it's their moment to feel it.

You have GREAT advice! I love your photo of the Crap Heart. Priceless!

Anonymous said...

After my 3.5 year relationship ended, it took nearly 5 years to mend. Ouch, I know. Toward the end of my mending period I read about the 5 stages of grief and I wish I had read about it sooner! Somehow it really helps to know where you're going. I know the stages are about death but the pain of losing someone can be universal. And it really helps to know that you will cycle through stages of depression, anger, denial, etc.. but ultimately reach acceptance.

kd_ring said...

I had a really hard time breaking up with my ex (so glad I did though, and I even knew it was a good idea at the time, but it was still SO HARD and SAD omg), and one thing that really boosted me up was when a friend of his, who is a super sweet guy and who had recently been through a rough breakup himself, wrote me a note one day saying how sorry he was, but "just remember what a rocksteady person you are and that life is so rad." Just something about his cute little turn of phrase and the fact that he'd bothered to write me at all made me smile.

Fancy Pants said...

I think on the other side of the story is how to help the person who did the breaking up. Just because your friend is the one who broke it off, doesn't mean she's not heartbroken and lonely too. Acknowledging the difficulty and sadness in that decision is helpful!

Anonymous said...

I'm going through one right now. We had been dating for 1.5 years but have known each other for so many more. We broke up before winter break (we're at the same college) so at least I had a month to go home and be surrounded by friends and family. I had initiated the breakup but only because one of us had to and the relationship was taking WAYY too much of a toll on me. But the part that hurts now is how nonchalant he is about everything. He even told me he didn't think about us two weeks into the break. Advice? Help? We still see each other because we have classes and things together. I'm a junior and he was my first bf...

HayleySF said...

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after 7 years together. I say recently - but really it was 10 months ago. I am still struggling through the process - regret, sadness, individuality, freedom, etc run through my mind all day. My friends who just listend and told me I'll be happy helped me through this tough time.

Great post - What Else?

Audrey said...

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT article.

I would note re: massage, maybe alert the masseuse that a break up recently occurred prior to the massage.

My mom bought me a massage for me after MY college break up and it was exactly what I needed, totally wonderful. However, I did not expect to start SOBBING on the table. Which... yeah I totally did. Luckily the person was a friend of the family and completely understood, and even explained that the release of toxins from the body can also cause the release of emotions.

Aimee said...

After a rough break-up, one of my friends bought me a bottle of red nail polish... titled "Got the Blues for Red" and to this day (years later), I still think about how much that one little bottle of color helped!

L.D. said...

I've found one of the best things to say (and hear) during any rough situation is,

"You are loved by many, and you will get through this shit."

Sammi said...

love this advice. when my partner of 4 years and i broke up. i literally shut myself away. i'd already moved back to the uk, and my parents weren't exactly supportive so i went to live with a friend for a few months. she knew exactly what was going on, but her friends didn't. it really helped me not to be treated differently xxx

Alexis said...

<3 this post. I needed to hear those things today.

Smith And Ratliff said...

I went through a horrible breakup my freshman year of college and just hearing my mom tell me "it gets better" always made me feel a bit better.

And, hey, it really does get better, as hard as it was to believe it at the time. :)

-LR

This Confetti Life said...

I love "what else"--perfect for SO many situations!

Joanna Goddard said...

"get them out of the house" is SUCH a good tip!!

Joanna Goddard said...

"this must be very difficult for you, tell me more about it" = so great for so many situations.

Alicia Michelle said...

About a year ago, my sister and her fiancé broke up. It was sooo bad, so I invited her stay with me for a week. I pampered her. I took her shopping, but I picked all new styles for her. I bought her new jeans, a new purse, she got her hair cut and bleached it blonder. We went out to eat, got our teeth whitened together, and I let her turn our spare bathroom into a sanctuary! No, showers, just long hot bubble baths. She lit candles and read magazines while soaking in the tub every night for a week. By the next week, she was so happy and relaxed and amazed with her new self that she thanked me and moved on with her life. She has now met the love of her life and things are great!

nichole (eat & be pretty) said...

this is such a sweet post. Sometimes it can be just as awkward for a friend who's trying to comfort a recently-single pal and doesn't know how to approach it, but these are great, simple, honest words of advice.

Georgina Si said...

Lovely advice, especially something as simple as "what else." I will keep these suggestions in mind for the future. Immensely helpful as always, thank you Jo!

amourissima said...

As the ambassador for broken hearts, I think you have it just right in this post.

Well put!

And when the crying is done and that full body broken hearted ache is gone, you take that girlfriend with you to wine country or New York or someplace different and you do girl things together and you celebrate the existence of friendship and the beauty of new.

Iowa meet NYC said...

I wrote about break-ups & heartaches today as well. [What a qwinky dink]. Although part of my post describes the need for a glass of wine, comfy clothes, and a sappy movie night ..it also talks about just what to say [like yours]. blurb: "Every bump in the road is a chance for you to show the world how strong you are, that life takes unexpected turns but you’re more than willing to be a part of the ride". Love your blog. [chelset]

Janine said...

I stick with the familiar: "I'm sorry" and "What can I do?" Just this week two friends of mine announced they were splitting from their respective husbands, and my heart broke as I listen to them tell me their tales. For one, she wanted a hug. For the other, she wanted to avoid the subject and get a pedicure. I obliged on both accounts.

teeny84 said...

About a year ago a friend of mine went through a terrible breakup. About six weeks after the breakup I mailed her a nice card letting her know how much her friendship means to me and that I was confident she'd find love again. I think that people tend to stick by you in the first few days/weeks, and then expect you to move on as they move on with their own lives. I think a little reminder a few weeks out is a nice gesture (if I do say so myself!)

Anonymous said...

this is so timely - my dear sister is going through a break-up after a long relationship and we talk (she talks / i listen) for a long time every single day, but i usually feel like i am not saying the right things or making her feel great. these are good tips i will use.

ana {bluebirdkisses} said...

I tell her that it will get easier every day, and tomorrow will be better.

often I say nothing at all, and just listen

Angel Court Jewels... said...

Number 1 is just so thoughtful!!! I have friends that will listen for as long as it takes, and that means a lot.
Number 4 is so true, even though it's hard to realize at the time.

Trina said...

I would suggest doing a volunteer event together, or encouraging her to volunteer (organizations like One Brick or the Hands On Network allow people to sign up on an event basis, with no lengthy time commitments). It helps to take your mind off your own pain and be able to help someone else. Also, the sense of efficacy you get from it can help boost your self-worth.

becca ann said...

this is such a great post

Anonymous said...

I really feel what HayleySF said. I was recently dumped after two years (I'm 23) and I keep saying "I'm going through a breakup" even though it was 4 months ago. My friends have been amazing and even though I'm still dealing with a lot, they make me feel infinitely better every time we talk. I hate when people say "you'll meet someone else!" though. I can't even think of that right now. But a million times yes to the massage. Losing that tough is really one of the worst parts and hard to describe. Jo- reading this and all the comments makes me feel like I'm not alone and sort of boosts my confidence back up to know it happens to amazing ladies too.

Anonymous said...

It is especially hard after a break up when you or a friend are in social settings where it is couple-orientated, so rally up friends to create a safety net. Check up on your friend further up the road so she doesn't feel forgotten and lots of hugs!!

Anonymous said...

My friend recently wrote a great post on how to get over a breakup. This seriously helps!

http://toquegirls.com/great-advice-how-to-let-someone-go-and-how-to-make-an-uncomfortable-request/

Charlotte said...

Such good advice! Break ups are the worst, I remember when I had my first big break up one of my best friends was there for drinks and talking and dancing, but no-one else seemed to know what to say to me.. break ups are difficult things to be around and I'll put this advice into practice next time a friend goes through one :) xx

margaret said...

My mom once told me during a really bad college break-up, "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" It really made sense to me and still does. It helped me focus on being a good person rather than wonder what was wrong with me.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend of 8 years left me three years ago. We had been living in another country together because of his carrer. He wanted to move back home, so I quit my job (for the first time in my life without having a new one). He left me shortly after that. I was so heardbroken. Could not believe it and was not able to to anything or even work for over 1,5 years!! Don't know where I would have been without family and friends. The amount of friends limited down to 2 very fast. They would have driven everywhere in the world to help me. Gone on trips with me even when I was not able to laugh and just let me know that it was now all my fault. They listened to lots of thoughs over and over without complaining and didn't judge me or my thoughts. An old man told me "time heals all wounds" and up to now I think that is the only think that really helps is time. Or a new love- if your able to fall in love already.

One of these two friends is heardbroken now and as sorry as I am for her, I am just glad to be able to give back a little to her of what she has done for me.
Right now I am in her Apartment staying with her. Listening and she asked me just to be there so that she is not alone.

Long comment! SORRY! But your post just touched me.
K.

Anonymous said...

I say, give yourself time to heal, (no matter who is at fault, if there is one).

What I really want to say is...I'm going to turn your life into a real soap opera by sending you to Paris for a week to rest...okay two weeks if you cry in public.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous... what you said about couple-orientated is SO TRUE!!
My friends now are all married and have kids. Still would love to spend time and be involved, but somehow most of them seem to think that I don't want to spend time - so WRONG. I would just be happy if they asked! Felt as if I would not be worth anything without my ex boyfriend. And they are old-"friends" of my side. Sad, but I always tell myself that they just cannot rely to my situation at all. K.

ANA PAOLA said...

Love your mom words!!!!

Anonymous said...

there are so many things you can say and do but ulimately none of it is going to matter. at least for me it didn't. the pain was still there and the healing comes from within. maybe that's just how it was for me, but i can tell you that i had a handful of people say the WRONG things and that was NOT cool. like..."you'll be over it in a year" or "this happens 5x in someone's life. you have one down so that means only 4 more to go" (in what world was that a good thing to say?!?!). whatever you do...DON'T say those things (which were all things boys told me btw...so stupid). the funny thing is though...it DID take a year to heal. you just shouldn't hear it at that time bc then you won't move forward with trying to heal. sheesh, when did life get so hard is what i wanna know!!

Anonymous said...

This is sooo good! Paris! Yep, we all can dream that our new "prince" might come along. Paris actually is only three hours from here - so as soon as the first trees are green and spring is in the air - I will just go to Paris ;)

It's on my "things to do to get back to life in 2012" list... K.

Anonymous said...

Such a thoughtful and true post! After a bad break-up my friend said I was a jewel. Sounds corny, but I get strength from that vote of confidence to this day.

Joanna Goddard said...

audrey, that is such a sweet story!

Anonymous said...

My BFF picked me up after class with a 6 pack of beer and a grow a boyfriend toy, we spent the evening together drinking beers and crying. I don't even remember the breakup anymore but we are still best friends and I remember the good memory of that night fondly.

Joanna Goddard said...

anonymous, ahh, i love that...a jewel.

FAshiOnistA ErA said...

fabulous advise and totally agree with you. its a situation you wont know what to say and how to put things..!! great tips :))

xoxo hanz
www.fashionistaera.blogspot.com

Effunia said...

Thanks for this post! I've been loving reading all the comments too- so nice to share and realize that we're not really alone :)

My bf of 9 yrs broke up with me 2 yrs ago for another girl. It was very hard, but all my friends were there for me. They were my ROCKS! 3 of my very close girlfriends actually planned a trip to Peru for me and it was the BEST time of my life. We hiked the Incan trail to Macchu Picchu, went Paragliding and shared many special moments. It brought me closer to one them as well.

It's a very difficult time but time heals all wounds and good friends by your side will get you through it! :)

Jenny McL said...

Best thing I did after a long break up was go away for a weekend on my oen to Amsterdam and do all the things I wanted to do - see the galleries walk the streets enjoy my time there as sure as hell my ex would have wanted to sit in the cafe all day...
My own music in my own world it was wonderful!!

Amanda said...

Ah! I needed this post during this past summer! (Or rather, my friends needed it :)

I was always worrying about annoying my friends, and you're right, I missed physical contact!

For the first little bit after the break-up, I hated to be alone! On the first night, a best friend came over and slept on my floor so I wouldn't be alone! Can you believe that? So sweet.

The Jones said...

I'm definitely a "what else?"-er...it's always been something that my friends appreciate! I usually play with their hair or give them back massages too, it seems soothing :) But I should try more self-esteem boosting...that's a great idea!

One of my favourite things to do is take them out on a special "girl's night" just to give them some time away, a little single fun, and hopefully some healing.

<3 Cambria
jupefashion.blogspot.com

Shannon said...

Having my friends listen to me whine about the same things over and over and not hating me is the best thing someone can have going through a breakup. I especially love the "what else?" question because it lets you keep going...and going...and going... until you're actually finished. My husband also uses the "what else" trick when I'm upset/glum/trying to give him the silent treatment and listens until I get it all out so we can move on!

Jennifer said...

Spot on! I am going through a tough breakup right now and I worry about about annoying my friends. It's difficult to not be full of my own heartache, and I hate thinking I am boring my wonderful, supportive friends.

I also completely agree with missing the physical presence as well. A massage is a great idea...I think I'll treat myself.

Jenn F said...

Keep them busy and preoccupied as much as you can, especially in the beginning, and especially on weekends. They will feel especially bad when Friday rolls around. So give them a lot of companionship on Fridays and Saturdays. Be the first to call them and check-in, and even if they don't feel like talking, leave a message that says "I'm here for you whenever you're ready to talk." Also, assuming this is not their first break-up, remind them of this "remember when you and Joe Schmo broke up and you were sooo devastated but later you said that was the best thing that could have happened to you?" or "remember your first love in the 9th grade and you thought you'd never love like this again?" Just remind that life goes on.

Chessa! said...

This is all excellent advice. My best friend is in the middle of an awful break up and I'm hoping that I can help her through it. I definitely would say that people just need to get it out and talk and I will listen for as long as she needs as long as she's not hurting herself by torturing herself going over it again and again. Bc as a friend there comes a point where you have to also give some tough love. When you're so down (and I know from experience too) sometimes you need someone, a friend, to yank you out of that darkness and remind you how awesome and special you are. Sometimes it's so easy to go down that route of berating yourself and forgetting who you really are. We all need that reminder and especially when we're in a bad place. The reminder that you'll be happy again is so great. I love that. and it's true!

jasmine said...

oh, another great (motherhood monday?) advice post would be what to say to a friend after a miscarriage... it's so hard - i'm always at a loss and tend to say nothing in fear of saying something stupid

saltgrain said...

Here are a couple of things not to say.

1. Anything derogatory about the ex... if they get back together.. and they often do, you will be edged out or resented because you obviously don't "like" the partner.

2. "It could be worse" Everyone has their own experiences.. and while the three week fling may not seem really significant to you.. don't try to minimize their pain by giving examples of people who have it worse. ie "well Mimi's husband ran off with his male gardner".. The bottom line is that this IS the worst thing that has personally happened to your friend.. don't minimize their feelings.

3. "I told you so".. never bring up the fact (even if it is true) that you warned your friend about their partner.. You might as well call them stupid right to their face. May be true.. but we have all been stupid in love at one time or another.

Kayla said...

Love these little tips. Things like this are overlooked so often. Thanks for sharing

Know anyone in need of a new computer to step up their blogging game? Help a girl sell her Macbook Air when things are a little tough! Thanks!

Lauren said...

This is an amazing blog post! Wow! I think that when a friend goes through a rough breakup and is heartbroken it's so important not to revert to insulting/bashing the ex to your friend to make them feel better. For example, I would avoid saying "Oh it's good you're not together anymore because I hate how he/she was so loud and obnoxious. Obviously, you may be angry at him/her for hurting your friend, and you may see flaws in them, but right now your friend doesn't, and it's important to focus on their healing! :)

LauraCaffeine said...

I really love that last picture!

When I went through my last breakup (before I met my husband, natch) the most comforting thing in the world was that one of my best guy friends just held me for hours while I cried and sobbed and screamed my heart out. And that was better than anything. To actually feel someone there, knowing that they weren't going to leave or abandon me.

Sorry if that was a little emotionally heavy.

Jin said...

wow, THank you for sharing this. I am going through a break up with my college sweetheart as we speak. We've been together for 6 years and are just growing apart (I'm 27 now). I'm happy that I now have the courage to recognize that we are not good for each other and move on BUT its so hard. I'm having a REALLY hard time with everything especially because I'm moving out of our place to my own.... I could go on and on for days maybe weeks but I won't lol.

Thanks again for sharing Jo :)

Kiki said...

Jo, thank you so much for posting this! It's easy to know what heartbreak feels like, but sometimes difficult to know how to react when someone close to you is going through heartbreak. This post could not have come at a better time. One of my roommates is going through tough times as of three days ago. While we haven't had a chat about it yet, I've been perusing the internet to figure out the best way to be supportive to her feelings.

Thank you again, your timing is impeccable!

<3

Linz said...

I love this. After my first love, every break up became difficult - oftentimes not because of the guy, but because of the loneliness or fear. These 4 things have always, always helped lighten the grief.

Duts said...

I think this is a great a post and got me thinking...

what do you say to a friend who found out a parent/ someone close to her is diagnosed with cancer/ sickness?

this recently happened to me and was ill equipped. i wasn't sure what to say or do. any advice would be welcome.

Shal said...

Great tips. My biggest one is: don't be alone! I make sure my recently broken-up friends are making plans everyday with different friends, going out, going to the gym, whatever... being alone is the worst.

Oh, and encouraging speaking to a counsellor (depending on the severity of the break up). So many people think its taboo, but its such a healthy choice. So I encourage it wholeheartedly and tell them they're smart and strong for making that choice to love themselves.

Anonymous said...

One thing I did for my best friend: hook her up with my one famous friend. That always works :-D I shall remain anonymous for this post.

Carrie said...

@Duts--I still feel so uncomfortable reaching out to friends who have lost someone close or have someone close that is ill. But, having lost my own brother in an accident several years ago, I know that for me, it was not about what was said, it was just that something was said. I think just letting them know that you are thinking of them, there for them if they'd like to talk or not talk, etc is important. The gesture of reaching out is more important then the content. My only suggestion would be to not use the opportunity to talk about your own experiences. Unless they ask, they don't need to hear you unload your problems (not that you would, but people did this to my poor mom)

Anonymous said...

When of my best friends was going through a breakup (unexpected after talks of buying a house together), I felt terrible because we live in different states and I couldn't just go over there and give her a hug.

So instead, I sent her a care package including a bottle of red wine, the first two seasons of How I Met Your Mother on DVD, Tylenol PM for those sleepless nights, and Zingerman's brownies (Joanna, I'm sure you know Zingerman's since you spent your college years in Ann Arbor)!

These are the things that I would have wanted if I'd been in her position, and I was just hoping to make her feel a little better!

Amanda said...

Great post. After my fiance and I split up my best friend was honestly the person who got me through. Somedays she didn't know what to say but simply being there for me, coming over even when I wanted to be alone, and just sitting with me made me realize that I wasn't alone.

I think constantly reminding a person that no matter how hard it is, that they will get through and will be stronger for it is what we need. Somedays you need to be distracted by fun and girly things, and other days you just want to wallow. Being accomodating to a person's needs is really helpful.

Maybe more importantly is being there several weeks down the road when other people have forgotten about them and yet your friend still needs someone to lean on. Listening and believing in them is most important... Assure them that their lives are not a mess and soon they will see things differently :) (Honestly, time does heal all.)

Anonymous said...

I agree with your friend Colby. "Tell me all about it" etc. Sometimes you just ned to talk and hash over things many times to get through it.

Stephanie said...

Asking how they're doing - even weeks or months after the breakup. You don't always want to burden your friends, so it's nice when they bring it up and ask you. I recently went through a hurtful breakup and after a week or so, people stop asking even though you're constantly thinking about it. It's nice to know that friends recognize that you may still be hurting even if you don't bring it up all the time.

Suzy said...

great advice!

http://highprofilehighexpectations.blogspot.com/

Midorilei said...

"Man's rejection, is God's protection..."

I remember my high school assistant dean telling me that one day when she knew I was having a hard time during a breakup.

I will never forget that. It's not that a guy's rejection necessarily means he's out to hurt me, but it means God is protecting me from being with the wrong person.

That really did comfort me.

Catherine Hathaway said...

I really love this. your blog is amazing. I check it at least once if not two or three times a day :-)

Jess said...

I remember my Dad telling my cousin something when he was splitting up with his fiancee: you can love someone very much but that doesn't mean you should be with them. I have always found that a comfort during breakups -- especially when I was breaking up with someone I loved enormously but who just wasn't right for me.

Welcome to the Laundromat said...

Oh, how I love this post!! Almost a year to the day my boyfriend of five years cheated on me with a girl ten years his junior. I was heart broken and felt so betrayed. And like you mentioned my self-esteem was very low. My mom just listened to me and allowed me to cry and "get it out".

I whole-heartedly agree with your points. And yes, yes, yes to the massage!! I went to visit my Aunt in Boulder and she purchased a massage for me. I honestly cried the first 10 minutes (and tried to pretend I was not crying)!

I tried to find happiness in small things. I took pictures of them and called them "my little bits of happy". Sometimes it was a piece of chocolate, some peonies I purchased, my cat, etc. Anything to help me look at the beautiful things around me.

It does get better. Thanks for this post. It was a great reminder!!

Lauren said...

My ex and I broke up in May and a good friend told me that at least it's easier to be single in the summer than the winter... I really couldn't argue with that one!

My other best friend promised me that I'd be happy again someday... but we also talked about how in life, there were bound to be other disappointments... and hopefully someday in the future another disappointment will totally eclipse this one and i will smile and know how impermanent this particular sadness really was. That one really made me laugh... it was a moment of dark humor when everything seemed so completely overwhelming.

Allison said...

I LOVE "What else?" That could work in so many situations. Just to know that a friend wants to know MORE is the sweetest gift ever. I'll be sure to use that from now on.

Sharon said...

love this. "What else?" totally using that on everyone!

vic said...

A friend of mine was heartbroken a few years ago and she was looking for something - ANYTHING - to help her feel better. She got obsessed with reading her horoscope and would read it religiously and wonder why it never came true, wasn't relevant. So for about two months, I wrote it for her and emailed it to her every morning. I tried to make them funny to cheer her up, but I ended each one with 'Your soulmate is out there'. It definitely helped.

kaela said...

all great advice!! My friend wendy once told me, "don't put your foot in a door that's closing." I have loved this image and have used it with so many other people....why would you want to hold something open that's meant to be closed? you're only going to hurt yourself and all the while your next door might lead to something bigger and better ;)

Amanda said...

I went through a bad breakup within the last year. The moving on has lasted longer than the relationships did, probably because we were pretty serious. One of the best things for me was having a best friend who would listen WHENEVER. Even when I kept saying the same things over and over again. She always made time for me and let me vent and cry.

However, not all people were so helpful. Here's something you SHOULDN'T say: "Well, I don't think you can truly love until you've had your heart really broken anyway!"

Linnie said...

My little sister told me once, "there are thousands of people going through the same thing today".

At first, it might sound kind of harsh, but it always helped me to put things in perspective.

It just reminds you that you aren't alone. :)

Eliza Jane said...

HAhahaha. I love the "crap" picture.

I went through a horrible break up (I blogged about it here: http://elizaoverthemoon.blogspot.com/2010/09/blue-days-and-heartache.html

The best thing that a friend did for me was take me out for breakfast. Every other day, my good guy friend would show up at my house, ring my bell, wait for me to get dressed, and take me out for breakfast. It was his way of showing me he cares, and making sure I didn't stay indoors all day. I can never be grateful enough for that.

Lindsey said...

The best advice I got during a break up came from my parents.

My dad said to me "I know that you're really sad, but it's important to remember to never let another person define your happiness."

My mom said to me, after I told her that I never wanted to date any one again, "You don't have to." That made me feel like I was in control, it was very comforting and empowering!

Anonymous said...

When somebody goes though a breakup it´s almost inevitable to rant, curse and spend a lot of time trashing the other part of the couple.
Even more if your friend has been dumped, or at least he/she is not who iniciated the breakup.

Two things I´ve learnt in my past experience that I think are important:

1) Let them rant but DO NOT add comments or judgment. They could mend up and reconciliate and you´ll end up regretting. (who hasn´t made such a faux pas)

An " Aha", "I know" or just silence is all that´s needed. Even if you hear thinks you don´t like, it´s not time to pour gasoline on the fire.

If the "heartbroken" asks for your judgment, it´s better to stay OUT of the so-called-facts (we never get to know the actual truth if there´s such a thing in a couple´s universe) Instead focus on: how does x or Y make you feel...and simply nod. It´s not a time to judge or to engage in hate, but to heal.

2) It´s not time for your friend to re analyze his or her life. It´s just a time endure the shock and try to move on. It´s not smart to encourage radical changes, that are almost always fueled by anger or spite. If your friend says I´m gonna chop all my hair, or I´m moving to Denver so I never see him again, do not engage in a YES/NO discussion, just postpone, invite him or her to postpone. Not today Honey, we´ll talk about it next week. It´s amazing how GREAT mistakes can be avoided if you just sleep on the idea for a couple of days.


Great tips everybody, I´m learning so much, and sensing a LOT of loving people around here.

Stacy Chiavaro said...

I was just thinking yesterday about how I would one day offer words of support and comfort to my broken hearted daughter Lizzy(who is only 2 right now!). Mommies worry about these things no??? Thank you Joanna for such a thoughtful post. ~xo

madiebaby said...

Wonderful post- I especially love "What else." So amazingly simple yet perfect.

In the days after a horrible break-up, one of my dearest friends came to stay with me over Valentine's Day weekend, and she helped me clean out my closet. We went through literally every item- bags, belts... nothing was spared the scrutiny of her fabulous sense of style. The clean-out was so cathartic and who doesn't want to do this at any given time, but just can't get started? Sometimes "out with the old" helps invite the "new" in.

Oh and we also went out on Valentine's Day night and got completely drunk and silly together. That was also exactly what I needed.

GRACE said...

great advice, especially number 1. I've never heard that one before. thanks for this great post~

xx,
graceinajar

Anonymous said...

I think one of the hardest things for me right now as I go through break up of my own is that my friend isn't really there for me. She's in a new relationship of her own and is kind of over the moon about it, so I'm trying not to take it personally. I remember how that goes. I just wish it didn't mean I was pretty much alone these days, it's been really rough. I'm putting a lot of stock in the "You will be happy again" part.

-M

Nineteen Deer said...

I went through a horrible patch with my boyfriend recently, we nearly broke up and honestly, it destroyed me.

I have no real advice, nothing seemed to help me. But I wanted to mention that I read your blog daily and through that terrible time, it distracted me for some minutes every day. The weekends were the hardest for me and having some calm time to myself with a coffee on a Saturday morning, going through your weekend links honestly brightened up my day and gave me something to look forward to. - - so I guess my advice is, get lost in something, find something to read, somewhere to disappear for a while. Look after yourself and treat yourself to what makes you feel happy.

I know that sounds so cheesy but you helped me, so thank you :)

Becca - (extra)ordinary wonders said...

Great post. I remember feeling that way....and love these tips for helping a friend going through a breakup.

Robin said...

This is an excellent post. I am currently going through an unexpected breakup. Two of my friends have been there for me, more than ever. One would respond to all my millions of depressing texts with thought out responses and the other spoiled me with a care package. I ended up blogging about the care package. You can read it here...

http://flyingfarandfree.blogspot.com/2012/01/care-package.html

WK said...

Holla! Great post, I went through an insufferable break up myself last May and nothing made me feel better but slothing around with my best buddies!

V. said...

this struck a cord in me. had a breakup last year that i am willing myself to be over as he has since moved on. thanks for this!

http://myseafoamdreams.blogspot.com/

Alice said...

I'm the person my friends talk to in order to hear the "well that SUCKS!" comments. Working with people who are dying (mostly from abdominal cancers) day in and day out has really helped me personally the most. If a guy didn't call, at least I don't have cancer! I also take care of people who have been burned. Then I think "Well he didn't call, but at least my skin is intact!" Sometimes having low expectations helps.

Kathleen said...

Thank you so much for this. Two of my closest friends are going through a terrible breakup (with each other, which is even worse) and it was nice to read through this and think of more ways to be there for them.

Krista Terminalis said...

Thanks for posting this Jo! So timely, as I'm working through a breakup right now. And it sucks. Luckily I have amazing friends. Things they've done...

1) Let me cry and babble.
2) Brought me tea and chocolate.
3) They keep calling me, emailing me, texting me, and arranging to do things, so I don't notice the loss of attention from my significant other and don't sit by myself and dwell on things.

Anonymous said...

Some of the worst things you can say after someone gets dumped (or even when it's mutual) is, "He didn't deserve you" or "You're so much better than him." Both of my heart-wrenching break-ups ended up with me alone and him with either a slew of random hook-ups or a new girlfriend immediately (3 years later and they're still together). If that happens and someone tells you that you're better, it just makes you think, "Then why am I alone and why do they have someone who's perfect for them?"

Mamma & Pappa said...

I must say, I have lost a best friend because of what she said...too much! I confided in her when my fiancé and I were having problems and I asked her to keep it between us,because I knew it would pass and didn't want our issues becoming someone elses gossip. However,she told our friend, in order to make her feel better about issues she was having "if you think you've got it tough, you should hear what x and y are going through!" I was so hurt and she never apologized.
So I would say my biggest advice, is when a friend confides in you, respect your friendship and her enough to
keep it to yourself!

P.s. Joanna, I am a huge fan of your blog, a new mommy too and your blog is so imspiring. After Ella is down for the night, I curl up in bed with my iPad and read your blog. It's a great way to end the day, get away for a while and sometimes dream a bit. Your posts always make me smile, imagine and sometimes even tear up! Thank you.

Liz said...

I'm walking through a friend's separation (from her husband) at the moment, and these really resonate. Just letting someone be heard is so important. I'm also learning that the healing process is going to be long, so being consistent in checking in with how the person is feeling so they don't feel like they're supposed to be "over it" by a certain time. Let her tell you when she's moved on.

Robyn said...

a lovely post and so spot on-Vaentines day sucks for a lot of people - thi is good to remember how to be a good friend.

Messy Little Monsters said...

Super sweet post!! <3 <3
xxx
-S

http://www.messylittlemonsters.blogspot.com

jarymane said...

i love you joanna :) this is an awesome post

Anonymous said...

I read this lovely, kind post before meeting a friend for dinner. Upon sitting down to our meal, she revealed that her boyfriend had broken up with her yesterday. She was devastated. While we spoke, I occasionally thought back to your advice, hoping that I could at least make her feel like she could talk. For as long as she needed to. Without feeling self-indulgent. Feeling loved.

Thank you for your thoughtful advice, Joanna!

neighdean said...

very lovely post- my brother is going through a breakup and some of these could apply to the boys too!

also love the "what else?" I'm a nurse & I use this when speaking to patients all the time. Its a very thoughtful question.

Thanks!

Chic Coles said...

After breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years when I was a freshman in college, my mom told me "however long the length of the relationship was, is the time it will take for you to fully recover from the breakup." It really made me realize it wasn't going to happen overnight but I should give myself time to start feeling normal again. It has been four years and i'm in a great relationship with a great guy.

Anonymous said...

My friend told me "I knew he wasn't serious about you." Well wish I knew that because he introduced me to his sister and his friends but was confused. gee thanks for letting me know after. She's supposed to be my best friend but I don't think she thinks very highly of me.
Another friend went through a break up and she immediately offered to introduce her cousin to the friend.

Girlie Blogger said...

Great ideas. I'd also add a shot of something strong with that.
www.thegirlieblog.com

Dora said...

Great post. Listening means so much especially after a bad breakup. It really shows the true friends! I recently went through a really bad breakup and I was so surprised the amount of support i received from my family and friends. It really makes you realize the important people in life. There is no need fretting over someone who has hurt you when you have so many great people around you.

Thanks Joanna, love your blog and I visit everyday!!! :)

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

When my daughter broke up with her college boyfriend ... I mailed her darling soft cotton pajamas in a beautiful lime green color. She called them her "break.up.pajamas and felt loved and cute when she wore them.

Fondly,
Glenda

Prêt-à-Penser said...

This is a beautiful post!
I love it :) and so true!

Xx
www.pretpenser.com
www.pretpenser.com
www.pretpenser.com

theappletea said...

thanks for this post! :)

Brit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brit said...

I just went through a breakup... My dad cheered me up quite a bit when we were talking on skype. One of the first things he said to me was: "Russell Brand and Katy Perry are getting divorced... Have you heard? That's so sad. I like Russell Brand, he's such a cool and funny guy. Don't you think this is sad? " He said this in such a serious yet ironic way... Made me giggle! :)

Zana said...

We're getting a divorce after a 5-year marriage. We still love each other (at least on my part) but the family and other issues got in the way. i couldn't tell how horrible I am feeling about myself right now :(

Julia said...

Great advice and one more thing, in the “what not to say” category:

Don’t speak badly about the guy, a joke here and there at his expense is ok, but don’t go on a rant about how terrible he is. Chances are your friend still has feelings for him and saying he is a creep will not make her feel better.

Yohanna said...

I just broke up with my boyfriend 3 months ago, we've been in a relationship for almost 3 years and it tore me apart cause we are not together anymore. But this post is really great! Even though my friends didn't do this for me, at least I know how to cope with breakups and next time if a friend of mine experiencing this same thing, I know how to make them up again. Thank you for posting this!

Nikkie said...

I am about to get divorced from my husband of 1.5 years. It came all of a sudden and opened up Pandora's box in a way I'd never have imagined. Today I am questioning every minute I ever spent with him and trying to untangle the lies from what actually might have been the truth - a task more painful than sensitive.
After four weeks of struggeling with myself and what was left of trust and love and passion, I ended it and my first fear was, that from now on it'd be just me, all alone. A thought that filled me with an overwhelming fear. But it didn't last, because the instant I needed them, they were there. Friends came over to be with me, listen to me, even let me yell at them when I felt misunderstood. They hugged me, allowed me to cry into their favourite sweaters over and over again. I did not feel alone for even a second. I know, they all got my back and would do everything they could to console me and make me happy.
What helps me best is change. The first day he was gone, I put all his stuff in waste bags and stuffed them into the basement. I rearranged the furniture, cleaned the whole flat from top to bottom; later I had a wall built into our huge living room,thus having an extra bed room now, I found a roommate, got a dog and am seeing a therapist. My friends are still there and that's what turned out to be most important: just be there and let your friend know that she is allowed to grieve and cry and sob as much as she wants to and that no matter what, you love her the way she is and that you'll be there for her whenever she needs you. She might not call you in the middle of the night, but knowing she could, is really comforting.

Sophie van IJken said...

And another awesome (and useful!) post!
I just really love to read all of your posts, Jo!
They're amazing!
I clicked on the post of your Alex and Toby, looking at the pictures, I cried a little.. Your posts are made with so much love! Thanks for that! It makes my day to see such pictures and read such posts! :)

joell said...

Good advice for sure. When I lived in NYC my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. My best friend and I spent a month or two touring all the gyms in the city getting 1 week passes for each. It was an amazing way to get over my break up! We spent the rest of the winter working out and using saunas and steam rooms.

I heard working out releases the same chemicals as you do when you are in love. So I think it really really helped!

Katie said...

A coworker yesterday said, 'Every relationship will end, except one (hopefully).'

I had never thought about it like that before. I'd always been apprehensive about beginning a relationship because I didn't want to have to deal with the pain and awkwardness of the inevitable breakup.

I guess the pain and awkwardness are natural and necessary for eventual happiness!

erin k. said...

darkness. i was talking with a dear friend who had just left her husband after years of being the only one trying in the marriage. she was exhausted and devastated. we had just bought some good cheese and wine, and were settling into the couch when my neighbourhood experienced a mega-power-outage. we lit candles, and in the safety of the dark, she was able to really let loose, cry her face off, say all the scariest things she'd been afraid to voice... and i cried right along with her. it was really liberating. that blackout was a total blessing. it took away all the rational barriers that were telling her to be composed. it was an amazing night.

Katie said...

I think that's some brilliant advice. When I had my first breakup, in high school, I was devastated--I had been dumped out of the blue. I think the best words I ever heard were from one of my guy friends at the time--he said I was too pretty for the ex anyway (he had no interest in me, either, which made it that much more kind). It didn't matter that it wasn't entirely true, just that someone reaffirmed that I was still pretty, still beautiful, still desirable.

sophie isabelle said...

i have depression/anxiety issues - and think tip #3 is especially important, i have negative thoughts constantly about myself.... it's what my mamma has been doing since she found out, and it does help, she says why i'm so important to her, and it gives me purpose again...

but it's no good to just say it for the sake of saying it - of course, it's gotta come from the heart.

Caitlin said...

When my boyfriend dumped me in college, my best friend ran out and bought a 12 pack of Smirnoff ice (everybody else hated it but I loved it [I know, I know] and I was underage so I couldn't buy it for myself} and then played me "It Must Have Been Love, But It's Over Now" on repeat.

I crack up whenever I think about it. Luckily, this guy and I weren't that serious so I was able to laugh about it then, too. Some friends are good for listening, some friends are good for making you laugh when you need it. She's one of the latter and is still good for it.

Cheers to good friends!

Anonymous said...

This is all great advice. I would, however caution, that trying to equate one's college breakup to a real live horrible adult one, is not a good idea. I've been going through a painful split with my partner of many years, and when my married friends try to tell me they understand because they had a bad breakup after college, it really doesn't work. Totally different situations. Having a breakup post-college, which we've all had, is bad. Having a horrifying split with your life partner while in your 30s or 40s. Totally different in every way.

Sophie Wayo said...

Johanna, you are completely right! When my bestie had her heart broken,I was there for her and I just let her speak. The best way is to listen and let her tell everything that's hurting her, she will feel better.

Manding. said...

i wish i could just "like" button this post.

Wendy @ Salt and Wine said...

I usually tell my friends that "he isn't -the one-". And remind them how much fun they'll have looking for Mr. Right. I also let them know that they are far too wonderful to waste tears and energy over the situation.

I love how you suggest "what else". :)

Lolaroid said...

When someone tried helping me after breaking up, telling me i was superduperfunnysmartbeautiful, this used to sound to me the worst thing to hear!I remember my last broke up (I felt bad for more than 1 year!) but the only illuminating sentence I got was from my brother: "Did you see him as your husband???", meaning he was just not the person my brother desired for me. It just made me come to reality.

hello jack said...

#4 is so true. it's probably one of the most difficult things after a split--the absence of touch. i'm currently in the post break-up process and it sucks.

sweetbittertart said...

Very sweet post. : ) I think the universe/god/karma sometimes gives us a kick in the right direction, and is always moving us toward a better place, toward good. I know so many stories (my own included) where people were trying, trying, working, striving and never arriving at their heart's desire, but who look back now and say "thank goodness!" they separated from whatever it was that held them in throes.

If we aren't able to do it on our own (because we are blinded by trying so hard to be "good"), sometimes the universe gives us a swift little, temporarily unpleasant, nudge - fired, left, evicted, abandoned - all sad at the moment, but ultimately moving us toward where we really ought to be.

I find sharing those stories sometimes helps (we all have them don't we?) and provides a little happy glimmer of hope. Together we can look back at the 'what ifs' and weave the trail toward our own happy endings - even if it takes a form we never expected - don't you think? The key is to believe that all events - no matter how unnerving at the time - are leading us in the right direction.

We just need to have faith, relax into the present and enjoy all of the good things we have in each and every moment, e.g. good friends like all of these posting here who love us. xo

Becs said...

When my (very nice) first boyfriend and I broke up after 4 years, my mom said to me, "Well, you learned a lot from each other." That helped me to value our time together and to let it go. Even thought it was over, it hadn't been a waste.

Maria said...

At the very start of our relationship I had broken up with my now husband. I had never felt so heartbroken. I wanted to tell everyone - even the newsagent man - all about it! My would tell me that I would be happy again - and that helped but all I wanted to do was talk talk talk!

Maria xx
www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com

Megan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan said...

Helpful advice - it's always tough to be a friend (especially if you yourself like the two of them together.) Cocktails seem to cure everything. :)

http://houseofbentley.blogspot.com/

Franzi said...

Great post :) I think what is most important to a heartbroken friend is to let her know that you are there for her/him, no matter what will happen. After my own bad break-up I was not in the mood to speak to anyone, not even with my best friends. And I was so glad that everyone accepted it. But they never gave up and I knew always that they would be there and listen. This helped me more than anything else!

Peaches said...

Very great and simple advice! I love what your mum said, it's true...everyone WILL be happy again :)

ElsaD said...

Great article and feedacks, as always!I always say 'be proud of having loved that much and learn from this!' Joanna, u are such a great inspiration to me. Well, I'm just getting started here:

http://cafesocietyxxi.blogspot.com/2012/01/follow-your-heartdreams-learn-about-it.html

Bisous!

M-J Obsessions said...

I think just making yourself available to them during their downtime is the best medicine. During my bad breakup, I wouldn't know what to do if my girl friends didn't sit there and just watch me cry, they just hanging around and kept my company really helped.

www.fabulositywithinreach.blogspot.com

Laura said...

I once told a friend that she was "one man closer to finding the man of your dreams" after she broke up with her longtime bf. Later, she told me that hearing those words gave her hope for finding Mr. Right.... And she did!

Anonymous said...

for a while, my friends and i would take turns bringing over ice cream and sex&thecity to watch whenever we'd have break-ups. it was kind of the best thing ever.

Ann from On Sutton Place said...

Hi Joanna...I'm visiting from Gussy Sews and it's my first time here. Lovely blog. My 28 yr. old daughter recently experienced a break up with her boyfriend of about a year. Things fell apart very quickly so it was a bit of a shock. In the span of 3 weeks they went from buying a ring to no communication at all. She was stunned and so very sad. As a parent, no matter how old your children are, your first instinct is to just fix things. Well...I couldn't. I honestly think I was just as sad as she was but on a different level. Your words of advice are wonderful. I spent a lot of time listening and encouraging. The one thing I've learned on this ride called parenthood is that at the end of the day your kids need to stand on their own two feet. If they can't...you haven't done your job well. My daughter picked herself up and dusted herself off. She is fine and ready to date again. Things have settled down...at least for now!

Student Driver said...

This is great. Something I think we should add is the one MAJOR thing NOT to say...no matter HOW UPSET your friend is. Do NOT tell them that you never liked him, that they deserve better, that he didn't deserve her, NOTHING that badmouths him, EVEN if she has been ripping him apart herself. She is in a different mind set and you really do NOT want to be the friend who was trying to commiserate but stuck your foot in your mouth when they get back together in a week, a few months, etc. They will remember you saying that you didn't like him.

Student Driver
www.learningtodrivestick.com

p.s. great blog, I'll link you in mine. :)

Anonymous said...

i'm currently the friend that needs the support. strangely, even reading this was comforting. the hardest part is believing that i'll be happy again. it's important to be reminded, again and again and again.

wholesale blac label said...

Wow! This post was incredible and I learned a lot from your post. Breaking up is very difficult, I experience that and I cried a lot. But after that I thought and realize that every happens for a reason. A lot of thanks for sharing.


Charles A

Lizzie said...

Jo, thank you so much for this post. I was looking for a way to comfort a friend today. I am trying to learn how to be good with words during hard times. Actually, I'm trying to learn to be a better friend in general. I think your blog will be on my "favorites" list from now on!

Phil Grahm Salt said...

Great advices for many disappointed lovers out there who thought loving could be as easy it gets. letting them know how to get over a break up teaches them of the valuable lessons of life that whenever you fall, you can rise up again to your feet.

Mary said...

my boyfriend and i broke up a little more than three weeks ago and number four is absolutely true. i miss the touch a lot.
those are great tips, just reading them helps a little, thank you.
i love your blog, i read it daily!

Anonymous said...

My favorite friend in the world has just called me to tell me that her 8 year boyfriend broke up with her, I can't be with her for I just moved to a different continent so I didn't knew what to do, these four simple things are a great advice, THANK YOU!

SYRIOCU said...

this spell caster on priestessmunak@gmail.com, the day she finished casting my love spell and marry me spell and I felt powers, beautifully note my soul was touched and I was immediately able to feel her powers . I am completely certain that my relationship with Josh my fiancee was blessed by God. I have grown as person and Josh too because of you. We have gotten married and we are expecting our first child.

Everyone should help me Thank this priestess munak for her wonderful friendship and in depth mentoring. You are my eternal friend. Thank you for reaching out to myself help me in the lowest point of my life.

Syriocu

jenny said...

My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you ultimate spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email:ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man.ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com

rachelthat said...

I just had a friend go through a break up and I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered this post and it really helped. Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom.

WHO COULD BE BETTER THAN WISEINDIVIDUALSPELL@GMAIL.COM THE GREATEST SPELL CASTER. said...

I was heartbroken that my husband moved in with another woman so I had a spell to bring him back home and stop the affair he had with her. In just 2days he left her and went to live at the motel. He called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if he was changing to become the man I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now he’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I cant find the right words to say how I feel right now. All I can decently say is that you changed my life and saved the most important thing in my life: my family, way to contact my savior is wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

Anonymous said...



I am so glad that the spell prophetharry@ymail.com casted for me, made i and Mohammed to come together! He is now everyday to my side, and we are about to get married in a month! I can’t believe that prophetharry succeeded in changing the mind of our families that were against our marriage! prophet harry magic is the best ever,nRachida, Marocco

eiyt said...


Hi, Dr.Zack Balo did some work for me about 3 weeks ago and I just wanted to let you all know that the results are really starting to happen! My ex and I ran into each other at Sears of all places! It was totally unexpected. He seemed a little nervous at first, but then we actually got to talking. Later that night he ended up apologizing to me for everything! And I mean EVERYTHING!:) I am so surprised yet I knew you would come through for me. We are now working things out and I am more than grateful to wiseindividualspell@gmail.com for everything that you've done for us. Thank You so much!

joe said...


I bought the winexbackspell@gmail.com 2 months ago now and within 6 weeks my ex and i got back together again and now we are happy again with our relationship than before. It was not an easy task by any means but without the win ex back spell guidance and knowledge it would have been impossible. We have just come back from a small holiday and we are ready to try again!

Thank him so much.

Sa Hart said...

When my sister asked me if she should break up with her abusive boyfriend, I took her hand and looked at her and said .... Sweetie, at any moment in life you have will always have the choice to say 'this is not how I want my story to end'. She said it helped to make a decision, which was to break up. Now she came to me for advice on how to move forward and I said .... 'maybe start writing your new story for each day' and she does, she literally is writing each day just about what she wanted her story to be that day only - then she calls me and tells me her story for the day and what she did etc... So not sure if that helps anyone but it appears to be working for her (well that and I have my phone on me 24/7 is she wants to talk ;)

Sa Hart said...

nice blog btw Jo !!!!

Anonymous said...



"My wife and I split up over two years ago, and I have tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked. I had almost given up hope until I found this man prophetharry@ymail.com. I ordered a reunite love spell to help my ex wife forgive me for the mistakes that I made with an old girl friend. Then I purchased a marriage spell so that we could get married again. I was floored that both spells worked within 3days, i am his customer for life and I will definitely be contacting him about more spells when i need his help.
victor Mandel

brana said...


I have been sick for the past 3years and i have been to different hospital and the spell caster i did not see any good result from them until i met a post on a site testifying what the almighty God has done for him through a man of God Humen I thought it was just a main testimony. well i decided to give it a trier and i contacted him through this email. humenhealingtemple@yahoo.com and after that he contacted me back and i told him what i was passing through and i was ask to buy an holy oil.and after that he bless it and give it to me. He told me to drink it and i did after 3days all my illness was gone and i am very happy again...thanks be to almighty God and also to Humen

4utea said...

I used to live alone before I got married and I used to LOVE it. It is everything you described and more. Now I am married and I live with my husband and I love that too! It's like a permanent sleepover. Fun! :) cheap prom dresses

Anonymous said...

After i and my lover spent about 4 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since i am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying “our relationship is over”. I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. i did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feelling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. i thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when i read testimonies about prophetharry@ymail.com i contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, i was shocked, i never believed that prophetharry could make such thing to happen with his spell, today i am getting married to my boyfriend, and i will never forget this spell caster i will always talk about him anywhere i go
angelina hocombe

Benson said...


The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this, wiseindividualspell@gmail.com is the best spell caster in the world.

eljohnny said...

I would have loved a friend like yours! After my break up my friend told to come over to her boyfriend's house to try and distract me, then when I arrived she handed me a Christmas card with goofy pictures of the two of them on it. (the card may have been thrown out without being opened...). My ex had been one of my best friends before we dated, and one of the few people I could trust with anything, and the first guy I loved, though he doesn't know, and the thought that I was losing him, and probably would never have him in my life again was earth shattering for me. I really needed to let it all out without feeling like a stupid emotional girl who was over reacting.

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Riser Boysen said...



Texting is definitely a big double edged sword when it comes to breakups. It's easy to send few texts after breakup to your ex explaining how desperate you are feeling without her. You might even try to call her few times first before sending your text. However, most of the times these actions will push your ex even further from you. So how to get your ex back again? Yous hould check this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6Otcn2nwW4..It is a revolutionary new system that is designed to help people mend their broken relationships with the use of SMS messages. This might sound a bit crazy, but the program creater claims that the lowly text message, when used properly, can be a powerful tool.

deborah said...



i am giving this testimony cos l am happy

My name is mrs. Santana Valdez from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in May 2nd this year on a business summit. i ment a man called dr. Atakpo.He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address atakpotemble@yahoo.com

Great Atakpo i thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address... atakpotemble@yahoo.com

please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay..

What a powerful man such as Dr Atakpo.. he is so much powerful..\\ email him for any difficulties.. atakpotemble@yahoo.com

jack said...

My Name is olivia..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos h ave tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here.drogunpellhome@gmail.com.. CONTACT THIS POWERFUL SPELL CASTER TODAY VIA EMAIL.drogunspellhome@gmail.com

Micky Swagg said...


My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is ogbologbotemple1@gmail.com so i had to contact him and in just 4days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, i am so grateful. I even spoke to the spell caster over the phone, to confirm his existence. His email again is: ogbologbotemple1@gmail.com

sharron jenna said...


My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you ultimate spell.you are truly talented and gifted Email:kalalovespell@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man kalalovespell@gmail.com

George said...

hello everyone in this forum i want to share with you the great job that Dr Bigdo has done for me, this man brought joy and happiness into my life, this man help me get my ex wife back after i was scam by two different spell casters who claim to be real and genuine, well it will hard many of you to believe that this man is very powerful and his spell l can bring ex back within 2days,this man brought my ex wife back within 2days so i can boldly say that this man is real and powerful he has prove to me that he is genuine by bring my ex wife back to me with his powers. so i am recommending this great spell caster to you if you are going through difficulties cause he can help you out. contact him now on his email address : okungoldenspirit@outlook.com here is the final place of solution.
George Amir

michael osi said...


my boyfriend of two years let me for another girl because i accuse him of seen another girl and since then i have been trying to get him but he refuse to come back to me,he was not responding to my call or email and he even unfriend me in facebook and he told me that he is done with me.i was searching on the internet for help and i saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and i explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me and guarantee me of 3days that my ex will come back to me and to my greatest surprise the third day a great miracle fell on me and my ex come back to me on the third day and he beg me for forgiveness olorulovespell@yahoo.com i will continue to publish his name because he is my Savior and we are about to get married.if you need him to help you Email olorulovespell@yahoo.com

henry olu said...

I am Sarah Johnson from USA, after 9 years in marriage with my husband, he divorced me and brought in another lady, i did all i could to get him back but all proved abortive, until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet who helped her in a similar issue at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try, when i contacted him he helped me cast a re-unite spell and within 48 hours my husband came back to me apologizing and today we are happily together. Contact this great spell caster on your relationship or marriage problems at AGAGULOVESPELL@hotmail.com.

henry olu said...


My is Julie, me and my husband get married over couple of years now and we were living fine with no distraction and my husband loves me so much until one day when i saw a girl who work in the same office with my husband came home and check on him at first i thought they have nothing to do with each other and she asked if my husband was at home i told her that my husband went out a couple of minutes ago, so she left that day.... so later on when my husband came back so i tried to make him happy because he told me that he is very tired and he said he wont be able to catch fun with me so from there i begin to notice that my husband is having an affair with another woman so i thought of it and a friend was trying to console me... so i stood over my friends advice so one day as i came back from the supermarket i heard a female voice crying and shouting so i tried to check who was it, to my surprise i found out that it was the same girl that came looking for him, when i caught them doing all this my husband quickly drove me out and never let me in... so i was very worried and i was confused, i had nothing to do.. later, on the third day he came to my moms house and told her that he don't loves me and he is going to be divorcing me in some couples of days so i cried and a friend came to me and said that i should not look at this problem and think that it is over, she said i should fight back..... so later i went on a search on the internet on how to get my husband back so i look over and i saw someone testifying about dr enato at first i thought he wont be able to get him back until when i found out that magic really, is real, so he helped me get my husband back to me and now my husband bought me a car to show me that he will never do such again..... so if you have this same problem and you think is too big for you to handle just contact him tell him that it was Julie who refer you to him he will help you get your problem solved ok... and in case you do need his contact email just email him now at ugbefenlovespell@yahoo.com he will help you get your problem solved within a blink of an eye......

henry olu said...


Hello every body, my name is
natasha from uk ,and i
really just want to let you all
know that having a broken heart
is not an easy thing, but no
matter how bad your situation
may be, i want to let you all
know that there is a way to get
your ex chasing you around
again wanting to be with you,
because this is exactly what i did
when my boyfriend left me for
someone else and i am happy
today cause he is back.
ugbefenlovespell@gmail.com
was
were i got the chance to get my
boyfriend back and i will also
want you all to give it a try

henry olu said...


My name is cynthia and my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him..... he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you agagu spell caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email: agagulovespll@gmail.com

henry olu said...

My name is Ana from USA, my lover is back with the great help from Dr Henry Olu he help me cast a spell that brought him back to my arms in just two days. my lover left me with out a formal notification and now he is back, once again i want to thank Dr Henry Olu for his wonderful spell, am now a happy woman. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: agagulovespell@yahoo.com

Stacey Sleck said...


After being in relationship with husband for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I saw some good talk about this spell caster called Dr kala and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: Kalalovespell@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: Kalalovespell@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

annonymous said...

My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss GLADYS my husband left the home for two years to Ivory Coast for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr BIGDO okungoldenspirit@outlook.com i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband is back to me now after the use of his spell.. Dr BIGDO is the BEST spell caster that anyone should contact, please contact this great spell caster on his email: okungoldenspirit@outlook.com

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