Do you ever worry about your partner dying?
So, as you may know, I'm a worrier, but here's the worry always in the back of my mind...
A couple years ago, I read an amazing memoir, Epilogue by Anne Roiphe. Her husband died suddenly after 39 years of marriage, and she wrote about her daily life after his death. What broke my heart was how she missed the little things--like the way her husband cut onions--and she'd wake up surprised that he wasn't lying next to her.
Although she was a successful writer with lots of friends in Manhattan, her days grew long and lonely. She resisted calling her daughters every evening since, as she said, "they had their own lives." She got restless at home, but when she was out of the apartment, she just wanted to hurry back. As an effort to move on, she tried online dating. Her stories were sweet and hilarious. (One guy felt her up in the middle of a restaurant, eeks!)
Honest, funny and touching, Epilogue was a true love story. Here are a few beautiful paragraphs Anne Rophie wrote about her husband that will make your heart swell. I'd highly recommend the book, if you want an amazing read.
However, reading Epilogue had a strange and unexpected side effect: It made me miss Alex, even when he was right there. I would get so drawn into the book--and felt so connected with the author, as if I were living her days with her--that I would momentarily feel as if I, too, had lost my husband. Then I would hear Alex making hot chocolate in the kitchen, or he'd walk into the bedroom to read next to me, and I would almost tear up that I actually had him here me, in the flesh, to hug tightly and smell his scent and lie next to and talk to. It made me feel so lucky.
Love is such an amazing, powerful thing, but you have so much to lose. To be honest, sometimes it scares me. Who knows what the future will bring? If you'll be left alone? Alex, who is thirteen years older, is such a huge part of my daily life, I can't imagine living without him. (And who knows, I might not have to.) It's hard to think about. Happily, day to day, it reminds me not to take my relationship for granted, not to hurry through a goodnight kiss or goofy joke or random hug in the kitchen; those little moments are what life and marriage are all about.
I sort of feel nuts writing this post, and I almost didn't. Am I neurotic to think about this? Or is it normal and natural to think about sometimes? I mean, it is part of everyday life.
Do you ever worry about your romantic partner dying? Has anyone close to you ever died? I'd love to hear your thoughts...
(Vintage photo from Superbomba)
465 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1 – 200 of 465 Newer› Newest»i kind of have the same feelings. i really dont like to be away from my partner for very long. its almost become a problem with relationships with my girlfriends. i never feel like i spend enough time with him even though we live together and i see him everyday.
You basically just pinpointed my greatest fear. We've only been married about nine months, but from the moment I fell for him, losing the man who is now my husband is something I simply can't think about without getting panicky. And I can't handle movies about spouses dying either. Ugh. It's the worst.
My father died. close people to me have died. I do get sad when I think about my partner dying but death is a part of life. To me, there's nothing to be gained by worrying about it... he'll die someday or I'll die someday before he does. it's the course of life. and if he's the one to go i'll worry about it once I cross that bridge. for now, i focus on enjoying the time i do have with him.
I worry about this daily... it's always in the back of my mind and it's the first thing I worry about when I can't get ahold of my husband (like when he doesn't answer his phone because he's in a meeting). My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and my mom is still pretty much lost without him. They had been married just short of 33 years and he was her life, especially toward the end, when she was his primary caregiver. Thanks for the heads up on this book - I'm going to get two copies (one for my mom and one for me!) :)
I'm not married or anything, but I think about that with my mom! She is my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without her. With close friends and my family too.. I think it's natural to think about! Hard enough to accept, it's a part of life. xo
Joanna, I have been feeling exactly like that lately. I just got engaged to an amazing man. While it is so very happy, it has also strangely made me more aware of our mortality and what comes with that...I hate to think about us being separated.
i was just thinking about this yesterday on the ferry ride back from st john. really!!!
i was thinking it must be the worst part about falling in love but also thought that i was crazy to be dwelling on something like this.
you just made me feel so normal - thank you!!!
My partner is the best thing in my life, I hope if I lost him I could focus on how lucky I was to have met him, and to have had the life we have shared so far.
I do worry about this so much too! I worry that I won't remember every little thing about my fiance and our relationship, if anything did happen. I worry about him dying all the time, and just not knowing if he is anywhere or if he is gone forever. I have not come to terms with death yet in my life...its something I don't undertand in the least and I don't believe in anything that would reassure me that I would ever see him again. This is a great post, Joanna.
OOhhh I want to read this! Me and hubs actually had the "life support" discussion last night. Weird how we were both thinking of this!
i can relate on multiple levels. i think the basis of my worry of losing my husband is really based on experience. my mother died when i was only 13. i am the middle of three girls and we always hoped my dad would remarry just so he wouldn't be lonely. he dated a few women but he never truly moved on with his life - he held onto my mother the rest of his life until he died 13 years later. the love my father had for my mom is incredibly beautiful to me but i am still extremely sad that he led such a lonely life after she died.
because of this, i have a constant fear of losing my husband (particularly at a young age since he's not the healthiest guy).
thank you for the recommendation of Epilogue. i can't wait to check it out!
You just hit the nail on the head -- these thoughts have been rolling obsessively through my mind the past few weeks. There's nothing we can do about it and worrying has no impact on what the future will hold, however, it doesn't stop me from being scared of losing it all.
I try not to dwell on when/if that day will come. I do however think so often how I cannot imagine my life without my hubby. We've been together 11 years now and our lives are just so intertwined. I'd feel such a void without him. I have been blessed to still at nearly 34 have all of my grandparents and parents still with me. I have not had anyone truly close to me pass away, and believe me, I am not looking forward to it.
XOXO,
Jamie
htpp://ilookgoodtoday.com
This is what I love about literature. A good book can give you an entirely new perspective.
Absolutely. I think it's quote normal.
My Mom passed away 2 years ago and I became obsessed with death. Loved ones dying, myself dying...I thought about it ALL the time.
Then I read No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. Completely changed my perception on death. It made death seem less frightening and helped me to see that loved ones are always with us. I highly recommend this book to everyone. Here is the Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/No-Death-Fear-Comforting-Wisdom/dp/1573223336
It is scary Joanna, but i do thing that you should'nt let it make you sad, it's not worth it to worry for something you cannot control.
I've lost my brother (4 years younger than me) 6 years ago and one of the things that made me feel at peace (a little a first and more over time) was that i had no unfinished business with him : no fights and i had told him that i love him the last time i saw him and given him a big hug. Not i make so to be like that with all my loved ones...
We did'nt spend that much time together as i live abroad, but geez, that little tightness i get in my heart when i see someone wearing his favorite tshirt, come across one of our favorite movies as kids on tv or see someone that looks like him a bit... i don't think it will ever go away.
We were Pictionary champions and i will never play again !
As women partnered with men (especially men older than ourselves) it is very probable that we will outlive them. It is not only normal and natural to think about a partner's death, but imperative that to plan for that probable time.
After my brother's death, his wife was able to spend several years figuring out which direction she wanted to go. Because he had been in the military, he had planned for his death. It made all the difference.
I think this is natural. We don't want to lose the things we love! We want to have them forever, therefore the thought of that being gone is scary! This is very silly but they have been predicting a major earthquake where I live for 10-20 years and supposedly it's past due. I worry about it quite often. We just built a new house and we are pretty close to the fault line so I always think oh my gosh this earthquake is going to come and everything will be gone! Silly but true. I have also worried about losing my husband. Sometimes I will even shed a tear about it. I think it's normal bu I also think we shouldn't live like that, worrying all the time.
I feel the same way. My boyfriend is significantly older than me, so I am aware that most likely he will die before me... and I can't help but worry about it, though I try not to.
My dad just died a few months ago, and my mom is living alone for the first time in 40 years. She's doing okay, but it puts my fears into clearer focus.
When my husband was deployed to the middle east I was obviously worried about losing him every single day. I didn't expect to worry about it even MORE once he was home. I don't know if it's just an after effect of deployment or if it's just normal to think about it. Our family has experienced death many times, so maybe that plays into it as well.
I have passing thoughts about it - he travels a lot for work, sometimes I have moments of panic when I know he's driving in a snowstorm, or flying to a tiny town on a very tiny plane... but I fear losing my sister and my parents too... from time to time... it just makes me realize that life is precious and we need to make the most of it and our time together.
Yes! This has totally happened to me before, and I could never understand why... it is scary to think about what you put yourself at risk of when you love someone so much. Alex is lucky to have you!
It's funny, sometimes I read things like this and I think: "Well you're lucky you have a partner to experience those things with." I'm currently single and while most of the time that's okay, going through life WITHOUT a partner is arguably harder. Sure I have great girlfriends and a wonderful family, but I don't have someone to sleep next to, someone to tell the mundane life details to, etc. My friends don't want to hear about those silly things. Life is always greener on the other side, but be thankful that you have that. 39 years of someone is greater than 0 of no partner.
My father passed away nine years ago of a sudden heart attack, at the age of 50. My family had just relocated from the east coast to the west coast.
After he passed away my mother mentioned that a week earlier as they were driving together in the car, he turned to her and said, "Amy, if I died today - I'd die a happy man."
It was heartbreaking to watch my mother mourn. She is now engaged and very happy. But my thoughts often wander to what she thinks about when she has a moment to herself. If she replays their time spent together over in her head and tries to remember how it felt to be hugged by him.
Life is so fragile. And to live is to love.
A friend lost a child recently (suddenly and unexpectedly) and it has really had me thinking about my own and my family's mortality a lot. On one hand, we do know, objectively, that all of us will die someday, but remembering that we truly don't know when it will happen makes you sit up and think. And try to enjoy what is going on because the period when everyone you love best is alive and with you is not going to last forever.
you're not alone! all the mums i know talk about this all the time- it confirmed i wasn't being paranoid. I get worried whenever my husband steps out of the door and now also my toddler cos she's running around!!.. I did lose my best friend 5 yrs back and maybe it has something to do with that but it seems thoughts of losing my husband came on only after I had my daughter..my friend (happens to be a psychologist too) says motherhood brings on all these thoughts almost to prepare us for the worst and give us the strength, energy and resilience to overcome the worst. I'm intrigued by Epilogue but worried Id' be even more paranoid. Can I handle it?
I always tell him that if I die, he has to kill himself, and if he dies first, I'll kill myself. There it works out perfectly!
I think this is what the Romantics called the sublime, the realization of your vulnerability in the face of nature. And I find it to be so bittersweet and so brave that to love completely, you have to be the most vulnerable you can be. There's an odd strength in that.
This post made me tear up, in the best kind of way. It's a reminder to celebrate my blessings. Thank you, Joanna.
my boyfriend and i watched big fish a couple weeks ago (i had never seen it) and i was practically sobbing for the last 20 minutes of the movie and for a while after it was over, telling him i didn't want him to die!
its sad because his dad died when he was 8 and it makes me sad for his mom all the time. i hope we live into old age and then i hope we can just die at the same time or i die first (selfish)
its really sad part of life it stinks to think about! but the only way to combat death is by living life, right?!
I just blogged about this exact same thing. My friend Lisa got married this past August to the love of her life, and suddenly he died last week of a heart attack. They hadn't even been married 6 months. I am still heartbroken for her. Oddly, within days of that happening all of my closest friends called me up with similar stories in their lives without my prompting the discussion... combined with your post today, it's really given me pause. I'm not sure what I would do without my husband... he's the love of my life...
I couldn't even read the passages you linked to because I was already feeling the lump in my throat...The downside to finding the love of our lives. tear!
Eckhart Tolle would tell us all to be in the present and appreciate what's still alive and ticking in front of us. :)
I too have thought about this. Thinking how incredibly lucky i am to have my son, husband and family all around me. I try to focus on the positive. Looking at the comments, i think we are normal. :)
My husband is ten years older than me. And I think about him dying before me quite often, and what I'll do after he dies. I have no idea. Scary story: The day after we got back from our honeymoon, we were driving in two separate cars, me leading-he following, from my hometown in Ohio to Chicago (where we were going to live). And on the interstate, I saw a car coming over the grassy area that separates the roads going east to west and I just knew it was going to collide with my (very new) husband behind me. As I passed the car, there was a time where I couldn't see the rogue car in either my side or rear-view mirror. All I could do was hope & pray that my husband somehow avoided it. He did. But the rogue car collided with the person next to him, and they collided with another car--it was a huge accident. I called him up and he told me that instead of slowing down when he saw the car, he sped up--which literally saved his life. It scared me so much. I'm shaking just reliving the experience now. It was a lesson at the very beginning of my marriage not to take him for granted.
To answer your questions, yes and yes. My biggest fear when I got married last year was that I would lose my husband early in life. His father passed away when he was young, and his grandfather also died very young when my husband's mom was a teenager.
While I know I can't live in fear of losing him, it is always right there in the back of my mind.
I recently lost a close friend who left behind his pregnant wife and young daughter. It was not only sad to lose him too soon, but also devastating to think about how his wife must feel--pregnant, sad, alone. I've found comfort in seeing her handle the loss with grace and with hope, but it's something I never hope to experience firsthand.
I totally have the same thing! But it does remind me how much I love my husband and how thankful I am for him in my life and what an amazing family we have created. Sometimes just thinking about it I can tear up!
You are definitely not alone!
All the time. x
My husband is in his 40s, myself in my 20s. It sounds crazy, but it's true, and it works. We work. We now have a sweet baby boy, turning 12 weeks old on Sunday. I have both never been happier, and never so terrified at the same time. Who knows what will happen as we grow old. What will we miss from our baby's life? Our age difference isn't something we think about regularly, so when reality hits, it is that much more frightening.
So, we try to not take anything for granted. I could name every one of his weird quirks (that I love/love to hate), off the top of my head. And like you said, remembering to slow down and enjoy the little moments that we share.
I'm so glad you shared this, and that I'm not alone when I think about these things.
I worry about this all the time. Then I call or text him if he's gone, or hug and kiss him if he's there, and am filled with thankfulness and love.
Oh my gosh yes. Recently I've stumbled across several articles about people dealing with brain damage, and then I imagine what life would be like if my husband had some horrible brain damage, and then I get choked up just thinking about it. (And here I go again.) I have to remind myself that millions of couples don't have to deal with early death or terrible medical issues and tell myself to appreciate having my husband around now, without the sadness of the "what ifs."
This post took my breath away.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm due with our first baby in a 3 weeks, and the thought of not having my husband there makes me literally makes me panic-stricken, but I can't even breath when I think about how much I would miss my husband if he were gone!
You are not alone at all. I've been acutely aware of the possibility my entire life -- my grandfather died suddenly when my dad was 10, he was killed by a drunk driver -- but after seven years with my fiancé I wonder about this sometimes. Our lives are so intertwined -- he is so much a part of me -- that I hate to imagine life without him.
I worry about this all the time, and I'm not even dating anyone! I'm the crazy here! Lol
Since I haven't found the love of my life yet(which at this point seems only like a fantasy that will never come true) I think about my parents dying. For the both of them they lost their parents around the time they were in college due to tragic accidents or disease. Growing up without grandparents is one thing growing up without a parent is another story. So for both my mother and father it was extremely important to raise our family being very close to another. I know every kid believes their parents to be the greatest thing to ever walk the planet, my parents really are a unique team. They have a way of walking into a room and everyone falling in love with them. So when they go, i believe the whole world will stop.
Yes! I agree that it would be all the little things I miss most. Like the funny face he makes when he intently reads or the way he makes coffee for me every morning. However, once we had our son I worry more. I don't want our kiddo to miss knowing his dad and I can't imagine raising him by myself. He brings such a different approach to parenting and personality that my son needs. Must read this book now...thanks for writing about it.
I haven't even met my husband yet (that I know of haha)and I worry about this!!
I think it was the Queen who said to Clinton that grief is the flip side to love. Having the latter always risks the former, just law of emotional nature. I am a natural worrier, and could obsess quite easily about the safety of those I love, but just try and close the door on those thoughts, what really does it achieve? I think if you are a "what iffer" such thoughts are entirely normal though!
Reminds me of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking which was also about Didion's husband dying and her life leading up to his death and after.
ugh, yes! My partner is going to Australia for three weeks. He is not afraid of planes, but I am...and I am so freak out because it's a long flight. He always knows how to calm me down when I have to fly...but when it's just him, I can't be talked down from my fears!
My husband is 13 years older than me and also has Type 1 diabetes (which can shave a decade or more off of life expectancy), and I used to get panicky and almost mad at him that I would be alone without him for so long (especially because the thought, and my anguish, didn't seem to fluster him). I thought I had a happy marriage that I worked hard to uphold, and then a few months ago my husband came home early from work, packed his things and said he didn't want to be married anymore. I'm not sure which is worse: Knowing you had true love and it ending in this world (by someone dying) or having your spouse tell you you aren't loved, and even though he's in this world physically, you know you can touch or hold him.
My father committed suicide 9 years ago, when my mother was just 47. It was the last thing we all expected to happen, and it's definitely the biggest loss I've ever experienced.
But my mother? I am amazed every single day by her grace and strength. Don't get me wrong...losing her husband wasn't easy. But she's come through the other side of her grief, and she's so strong and brave and fearless. I'm thankful for her every day.
this just made me breath a sigh of relief. glad to know i'm not the only one with this "crazy" fear. with two generations of husbands dying young on my mothers side I've always had an irrational fear about it
Oh I feel the same way! I'm glad you wrote this post! I worry about this so, and don't get me started about the possibility of losing one's child. I'm a constant worrier as well. My husband works at home so we see each other 24/7! We are so intertwined into each others lives, I don't know what I'd do without him....
I have no great advice. You're not alone. All we can do is hope for the best and love each other while/when we can.
I do think about this and I don't have a romantic partner. If you DO have one, I think it's important to appreciate the intimacy you do have and enjoy on a daily basis. Just being single, I miss that. I also had a friend die suddenly this year and the immediate void left behind was unfathomable. Death without warning is terrifying, because it just fells you completely. My dad is currently very ill, and while he's scheduled for a kidney transplant that should cure him, thinking of something happening to my dad is scary as he's still relatively young (59). But obviously, the joy of having people in your life that you care about so deeply is the important thing to focus on. Imagining your life if you'd never met Alex is far worse, isn't it (I would think)?
I'm so glad you wrote this! I've been a pretty care-free person, that is until I started dating my boyfriend about 4 years ago. Suddenly I had anxiety about everything, especially something terrible happening to him. I became anxious about flying or traveling without him or him without me. The anxiety isn't all-consuming, but it's there at the back of my mind. I guess this is all part of being in love, but to me being in love makes a little anxiety worth it because it means what you have is special.
I think that's how you know you really love someone: When you think of them dying and how much you'd miss them.
Reminds me of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking which was also about Didion's husband dying and her life leading up to his death and after.
http://confessionsofaturkishgirl.blogspot.com/
Ah! I just started tearing up at work. A beautiful post. I often feel the exact same way. Every day must be treasured.
So glad you DID write this post. I feel this way, too, and also feel nuts for having such thoughts. I think it's worse when you actually have lost someone who you are intensely close to...you know the possibility of loss is a reality. Yuck.
You are nuts, but very good at making people cry! :)
I think about it all of the time. I lost my dad when I was 6, and I still feel the emptiness. I look at my kiddos and absolutely do not want them to experience that pain.
OMG - after a few years of marriage, my husband had a major health issue just a few days after our first kid was born, and it was AWFUL and scary and anxiety-provoking and it still scares me. But what it's taught me is to really appreciate and soak in all those beautiful moments together, and not obsess over planning your widowed life - several years later, he's still here with me!
oh my goodness! here i was thinking that i was CRAZY for thinking about these things! thanks so much for this post -- i'm going to go out and get the book today to read!!
Ha ha, I meant to say you AREN'T nuts!! :)
i'm not married yet but i do live with my boyfriend who means the absolute world to me. i think about this topic often. even though we're not married, i don't know what i would do if he was taken away from me so abruptly. we live in our own world and for that to be shattered would be the most painful thing in the universe. i think sometimes it's good to reflect on slightly morbid topics such as this, it reminds us not to take the sweet little things for granted. because in the end, we'll remember the small moments rather than the huge gestures.
now i want to read this book! i love the topics you bring up joanna. they're so heartfelt and universal.
xoxo!
I'm such a worrier as well! I think about that possibility daily...seriously, daily! I've been with my boyfriend for only 2 years and we've been living together for 9 months, but I can't picture my life without him. If he died I would really have a problem getting my life back. I don't even think I'd want to, you know? Last weekend I went to see "The iron Lady" and she was also having a hard time with her husbands death. Let's just say I cried a lot!
I'm curious to read "Epilogue" now!
I think thoughts like these are pretty natural, but we don't always speak about them. Thank you for being generous enough to say out loud how you felt. When I got together with my partner eight years ago part of what made that time so full of fluttering, overwhelming feelings was the thought that one day it would end. That one or other (or both) of us would at some point have a measure sorrow to match that measure of happiness.
This reminded me of Joyce Carol Oates' "A Widow's Story" in the New Yorker. I think you'll love it.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/12/13/101213fa_fact_oates
Its so strange - I write a blog about getting back into training after being sick & i think you may like todays post
http://athleteoncemore.blogspot.com/2012/01/till-death-do-us-part.html
I know exactly what you mean & its a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it!
Oh my goodness yes. I think about this all the time. My husband has to travel for work sometimes, and missing him during those times makes me realize how lost I would be if he were gone forever. It's the little things, like the sweet way he entertains the dog, the mixed drinks he invents, just his presence here.
On the other hand, I honestly worry more about leaving him behind if something happened to me. "Who would make sure he eats??!?!" that sort of thing. I guess we'll just have to wait and confront it whenever it happens, which hopefully won't be for many years to come.
Thanks for your honesty.
I'm so glad it's not just me! I live in DC and though it sounds fatalistic, the chance of something catastrophic happening here is higher here than say, my hometown in Michigan. My boyfriend works downtown, about 100 yards from the White House, and no matter what, I always have this teeny tiny root of worry that something is going to happen, and I will be left here without him. I think its a somewhat similar feeling to people preferring to be sick themselves than to have a loved one sick (or maybe that's just me?)
I did worry about this from the day I got married - September 2, 1989 until May 29, 2008. My nightmare came true. He died suddenly and in his sleep. The best way to go I suppose, but utterly tragic for me since I was awake and couldn't save him. People think to call on an anniversary or birthday - but it's the odd Tuesday that he doesn't come into the bathroom to say good bye or the phone calls that don't come at lunch time that make me most sad. They say life goes on, and it does. It's just not as much fun.
this is something i struggle with constantly! i've only been married 7 months, but i find myself worrying about this all the time. i am a worrier as well, and sometimes i find myself missing my husband even if he is sitting next to me. i am always thinking about "what if..." and it drives me crazy. i just have to remind myself that we are both alive and well and madly in love.
My mother passed away two and a half weeks ago. It was expected; she had metastatic breast cancer and had fought breast cancer on and off for 14 years. We were prepared for the prospect of her death for a long time. My parents were married for 29 years, and watching them work through that knowledge that she would be the first to go taught me so much about the value of a strong marriage, and about being prepared for the possibility of losing the other.
And honestly, though I miss my mother deeply because of our close relationship, I think the thing I find more heart-wrenching is watching my dad grieve. He is a stubborn and opinionated man, but these days he is so soft-hearted and tender. My heart aches for him. That first night after she died I barely slept knowing how hard it must be for him to go to bed alone and wake up alone. The idea that one morning my husband or I will wake up and realize that the other person will never lie next to us again steals my breath away.
Jo, I am so glad you wrote this post. I think that even though you and I are young enough that this fear seems somewhat irrational, it is still good to address it. No one knows how and when they will die; it could be tomorrow or even today. To me, that knowledge makes this moment all the sweeter.
I am taking a class this semester on love, death, and dying. It is so fascinating to hear other people's thoughts and perceptions on death. I've found that the people who have a significant lover have a specific reaction to the topic. I've been with my partner for 6 years and it terrifies me to think of life without him!
Joanna, you're so much like me. I worry all the time that my husband will die and I'll have to find a way to live without him which seems so impossible. Six years ago, I suddenly lost my little sister. One day she was alive and talking to me on the phone, the next day, my dad called me to tell me that she was dead. Since then I've had the terrible panic that those I love are in danger of dying all the time. My husband is not only my best friend but also my rock. I think he's the only reason that I'm a sane, cheery and calm person. If he died, I don't know what I would do. There's no solution to this fear that I can offer you. Just appreciate that person as much as you can and don't fight about silly stuff because it doesn't matter in the end. Un abrazo!
i do worry about it too. but i try not to think about it too much cos you could miss the moments of NOW if you dwell too much on that topic.
My boyfriend has a very dangerous job; he is great at what he does but deals with scary situations on a regular basis. My biggest fear is that something will go wrong and he won't come back to me. So much so that I won't let him tell me certain things that happen while is working; if I know everything that goes on I know I will worry myself crazy.
I think worry to some extent is natural and telling of how much you love someone.
I just ordered the book! I have lost my mother in a sudden accident almost 15 years ago and my father is currently on hospice and more than likely won't make it through the year. The hardest part with my father is that he now has dementia on top of his parkinson's, so I feel like even though he is alive, I have lost the man that was my father. Death/loss is never something you can get used to, but it is something we all must deal with at some point. I think it's normal to worry and to think about it, but not let it take over and fear set in. It is something we need to embrace because it is a part of our lives. It's what makes life so precious. I try to tell the people I love how much I love them daily because I am all too aware how easy it is to lose someone you love. Appreciating life and the people we love puts perspective on how we often interact with our loved ones too. But don't let the fear of death and loss control your life. What a great post! Thanks for sharing =)
One of my worst nightmares to be quite honest. I know it's inevitable and that it'll happen some time in the future and I've tried to think of a "back-up" plan but just trying to imagine and "plan" a life without him immobilizes me. I've never gotten very far with my "plan"..
Oh my gosh. I'm so glad you wrote this. And I'm so glad that everyone else feels this way too! I can't think about it because it's so upsetting. I can't even be home alone. I tell him that when he's not there, I feel like something is missing or something's wrong like that nagging feeling in the back of your mind when you forget to brush your teeth.
Yesterday I was actually thinking about what if I died. Like what if I got hit by a bus or fell onto the tracks of the C train? I imagined how upset my boyfriend would be if I was gone and it almost brought me to tears, thinking of him alone. (I don't mean it in a selfish way like he can't live without me because I'm so great. I mean that I'd almost rather be alone than him because it would hurt so much!)
i have those thoughts sometimes (i don't always express them, because they seem morbid at times) about my hubby and especially my kids. they are such a big part of my world, and it also fills me up with sadness sometimes. we all will die one day, i guess, so maybe like one other commenter here said, it's about preparing for it? having all things in order, talking about it, and most of all, being grateful for the time you have and not taking it for granted.
It is a terrifying thought, isn't it? My paternal grandfather died at the age of 61, when my dad was only 16. My grandmother has lived the last 39 years alone. I never had the opportunity to ask her about it, so I'm not sure why she never had someone new in her life. But isn't that a long time to be alone? As an elderly woman, she lived alone in the house they had raised my dad and uncle in until she was 89 years old! It amazes me. Maybe I'm just being romantic, but maybe she loved him too much to try spending her life with someone else? Sometimes I wish I would have thought to ask her about her life before her mind became too foggy to repeat them to me...
You are not nuts AT ALL.
Whenever there is a movie (think "Up") or TV show involving the death of a spouse I look at Stephen and VERY seriously tell him that he is NEVER allowed to die before me. Ever.
He always laughs and kisses me, thinking I'm silly. But, oh, am I ever serious.
I think that this is having the perfect effect on you: it's reminding you of how lucky you are to have Alex there every day. Bravo for savoring the moments!
Every single day. Every. Single. Day. I worry.
This is my greatest fear, and it's something that I worry about on an almost daily basis. Sometimes it feels so bittersweet to be young and healthy together now, because one day I will be looking back on this and wanting to get back here so badly. I try to convert this into being the best partner I can be right now, so I don't have anything to regret later.
Also, having lost my mother while I was in my twenties, it never fails to amaze me that my father has actually gone through this, and lost the most important person in his life. No matter how much I miss her, I can't imagine how hard it has been for him, and can't get over how amazingly he has handled it. Now I'm all teary!!
So in short, you're not crazy! :)
Infinite love and gratitude...
This is a reminder to honor our Self, by surviving the shadows our relationships, and showing up for the new bright spots.
Cheers! -Teri
all of the time...
The older I get, the more I worry about losing my sweetheart. He is 60 and I am following right behind in age. I don't work so I guess, not only would I miss HIM, but also the income he brings us as well as the medical insurance, etc. Who knows though... maybe I will go first. It's out of our control. Just live each day in love.
This is so strange, Joanna! Just this morning I was thinking about how I worry about this happening to me (my partner is 8 years older than me, and likelier to die first. I know, how morbid!) and wondered if you ever thought the same thing, since Alex is so much older than you.
It does tend to put a sense of urgency on things. He's content with moving along at our current pace (because it totally works) but I'm like "No! We need to get married and have babies NOW. Don't you want to still be pretty young when you have kids?"
It's a terrible, sometimes paralyzing scenario to contemplate. I think ruminating on such matters is unproductive but inevitable. And like you said, it really does help you not taking things for granted.
We lost my dad a year ago tomorrow. My mom tries to be brave but I can see how lonely she is without him. I know time is really the only thing that will make it better, but being heartbroken just makes time pass so slowly, somehow. I'm getting married this year and I worry about losing him too...
Wow! Really your posts always pinpoint my life and worries. This is a top one. I was tearing up reading this and want to read that book! I'm getting married in April. I love my fiance so much! All of my Family and Friends. Such a horrible part of life!
I am a worrier, too. I think I imagine the absolute worst that could happen, but then try to treasure the time I do have with my love, my siblings, my brother, even my dog!!! Thanks for the book recommendation!
My dad died when I was 13 so I saw my mom grow through widowhood. Her strength and bravery. She died in 2004. I always tell my hubby I want to die first. I do think about it often and worry, but love the moments in time we do share and all the memories we've made.
Can't wait to pick up this book. Thanks for sharing!
Maybe it's because we're not married and so young but I had always thought of my future with my boyfriend in a positive light. We'd live out our dreams together, support each other, raise a family. Then this week I heard about two deaths in my home town due to poor health and it made me so panicky that he needed to take better care of himself. I know it might be naggy to him, but I want him to live a long healthy life. I try not to fear him dying but focus on what we can do now together to make every moment count.
This is my biggest fear and one that I actually take so seriously that I have an action plan in mind in case I ever DO lose my husband. Because I know that I will fall apart. I know that my tendency will be one of self-destruction. And I know that isn't what I want for myself and it's not what my husband would want for me, if something did happen to him. But in my day to day life, I try my best to cherish every moment we have together and I try not to let the worry overtake me. Some days it gets the better of me and I'll get really emotional about it, but I try to not let that happen.
So, I don't think your nuts. I just think you wound up with the person you needed to share your life with and it makes it terrifying to think about losing him. :)
I totally do the same thing! It drives my husband crazy sometimes, so I no longer share my worries or thougts in that regard. It's just I spent so much of my life waiting to find love, that now that I have the perfect partner (as perfect goes)I cannot bare the idea of not being with him. Now we are faced with the reverse, I am in the midst of a health crisis and in the stage of waiting for test results and who knows what that will bring. Am I prepared to say goodbye to my husband, my young children? The reality of it all is too much to handle sometimes. Then I have to stop and remind myself that there is little point to worrying until there is something concrete to worry about...easier said than done.
Thanks for this post...at least I am not the only person who worries about my spouse not being there.
Totally normal! And I think it is not limited to just spouses. A shrink once told my sister that thinking or imagining bad things that could happen is healthy. I can't remember the whole reason why but I guess it has to do with confronting and accepting your fears, and releasing anxiety.
all the time since my grandmother passed away last October... my grandfather misses her everyday and he tells me how he wished she said her goodbyes before slipping away. he misses arguing over small household things with her and that breaks my heart. it's always the small things.
My boyfriend and I are getting married (soon!) and we talk about this sometimes, or more like me getting worries off my chest. It is so scary.
My husband passed away three years ago. He was 32, leaving me (30) and our daughter (11 months) behind. There are no words to convey the darkness of grief and the effort it has taken for me to be present today.
My advise to those that worry about losing their spouse is to just stop. It is an unnessary stress and not a healthy mindset. You cannot control what happens. Live only in the present, love like it will all be taken away tomorrow, and work very hard to appreciate what you have today. Gratitude turns everything we have into enough.
Peace to all, Stacey
Well I'm glad you did write this post, because many of us are on the same page. I am also a worrier, and my greatest fear is losing my fiance. But as he always tells me, we cannot control the future so there's really no use in worrying about it.
xo L.
I worry about this a lot. The thoughts are painful, but there is another way to see it, as my boyfriend recently made me see. He said, more or less out of the blue, that he had thought about what would happen if I died. Familiar with worrisome thoughts about losing loved ones, I said something like "That's terrible! Poor you!", and he said "No, not at all! It's a good thing! It proves to me how much you mean to me!" [I am a little bit lost in translation here, this conversation was not originally in English]
My boyfriend is a bit of a lovely oddball, and he regularly surprises me with thoughts and perspectives that are entirely new to my way of thinking. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but knowing him, after thinking about it 30 second or so I said "thank you". And I meant it.
Just yesterday morning, I asked my husband of 4.5 years, as he was walking out the door to work, 'Do you want to be cremated or buried?' I realized I didn't know and I got worried that he wouldn't come home that day and I'd have to make that decision. This happens occasionally. And it freaks me out. And then I take a deep breath, say a prayer, and hope I have the strength and mercy I need if I ever have to deal with losing him.
Great post! I worry my sisters are going to pass away suddenly. It's strange but its mainly my 8years-yonger sister I worry about. I guess I see her so much as my littlesister that I could not imagine outliving her...
Oh wow! I thought I was only one that did this and that it made me paranoid;) I worry about it all the time - been married for two years - and it is one of my biggest fears. When I read The Time Traveler's Wife a couple years back it made me do what Epilogue did for you - miss my husband when he was right there! He told me I was crazy...but isn't the crazy the great part of being in love? :)
I love reading your blog and I've never commented before, but this post touched me because I lost my husband at the age of 31. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was fit and healthy but had a family history of heart decease. Our Sons were 4 and 6 at the time and to say that it was the hardest most painful thing I’ve been through is a huge understatement. My biggest fear in life was “loss” and to face it and be a widow at 29 was an insurmountable mountain. Its been 3 years and I can tell you that I’m at peace with it all. You never ever get over something like that, it remains in your heart but the love and passion I have for my boys pull me through because I know my husband would have wanted me to be strong for them. Like other comments have said I’m glad the last words he heard from me was that I loved him. If you try to live your life with grace and thankfulness , those who you loose to heaven always remain a part of you. ALWAYS!
I have these worries as well, but I try and keep them out of my mind. I often get consumed with the thought of my parents dying (I have no siblings and we are very close) and I become overwhelmed as well. I think the best thing to do is try not to think about it. Living in dread is not really living. One day is a great movie that addresses this issue as well (although not quite as directly)
Collections
During the months after our wedding, I was overcome with this fear. In fact, it was hardest when we were having the best times together. I remember once when he tickled me until we were both on the floor, giggling and out of breath and suddenly I was just sobbing, so afraid of losing him. My husband would say, "But I'm not gone..." and give me a sweet smile. I'm pregnant now and this same fear sometimes grips me about our baby. For me, it's at the onslaught of a new, savage love, that this fear is most present.
I think about it too. Probably more than I should. It's my biggest fear. I can't imagine how I would get through it and what I would do. I was fine on my own before I met my husband, but now I would find it so hard to be alone.
Without a doubt this is my worst fear, and it's something my husband and I have talked about briefly - what would the other person do? It's not a conversation I can have easily because it always ends with me in tears and needing to crawl into his lap and bury my face in his neck so I can breathe him in completely - I can't even think about it now without tearing up!
I'm glad you posted this! My grandmother has just decided to put my grandfather in a nursing home because it's too much for her. After 60-some years of marriage they might be sleeping in different places. I got so upset thinking about it last night, they're always together. And although I've only been with my boyfriend for 3 years - it just seems like 60 more wouldn't even be enough! It's a scary thing, but it would be scarier without all those day to day moments! Thanks for posting, Joanna!
This sounds like an amazing book. I will definitely pick up a copy - thanks for the tip.
You're not nuts! I think many people think about these things and it's great that you're being honest enough to express them because in turn it helps others.
I don't think I ever thought much about my husband dying until we had children. Once we had kids our lives suddenly became much more valuable to me.
Another experience that put the 'worry' forefront in my mind was when my husband's only sibling, his little sister, passed away a year ago. She contracted a rare and very resistant bacteria during gallbladder removal surgery and died 6 mo. later, after the bacteria took over her liver. She was only 38 yrs old and had two young boys [the same age as my 2 sons - 6 + 8] when she died. She also left behind my brother-in-law.
After this experience my entire outlook on life has changed. I see everything in a new light and don't sweat the small stuff so to speak. I value my husband and loved ones more than ever. I witnessed how quickly life can change forever and it's hard to get upset about the insignificant things in life when I see my nephews without a mother and look at my BIL struggle daily to put one foot in front of the other.
Sorry this got so long! My point is - no you're not nuts. I don't think it helps to live life in fear, don't get me wrong...but I do think it's important to show our loved ones daily that they're valued.
I don't think you are the least bit neurotic or nuts for writing this post, and I'm glad you did! I have the same fear for some reason, and I think it has made me sabotage relationships in the past -- that fear of loss.
As my grandparents and parents age, I can't help but worry for them also. You become so reliant and used to someone being married for so many years... what do you do if after 68 or 30 years of marriage, they're just gone suddenly?
I suppose we must cherish every day so that if they do depart this world before we do, the memories can carry us through the loneliness.
xo Alessia
www.byalessia.com
Although I think it's a fear that most of us have, it usually takes an "event" to bring those fears to the surface & force an examination of them.
An old friend from high school just lost her husband to cancer, and I spent several days quietly mourning for her. To be 38, with 2 small boys to raise on your own.... I can't imagine. I thank God every day for my husband and family.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a soul mate- it's hard enough thinking about losing my siblings or my parents- even though they keep reminding me it's going to happen one day. It's so incredibly pressing to lose something that means so much to you, and I imagine it's one of the hardest trials life has to offer.
My mother's best friend lost her husband a year ago today. We grew up with that family, with those children and his wife. I felt their loss, not only because I loved him as well and had spent so many years with him, but also because I loved the woman he'd left behind, his now widowed wife.
I didn't notice it at first, but slowly I started having anxiety every time my beloved would go to work or to a basketball game with his buddies. I couldn't place it, but there were times when I was overcome by the fear that one morning he would get in his car to leave and that would be the last time I saw him.
It didn't matter how much he reassured me, or how tight I held him, he always felt like a promise that wasn't going to be kept. After several months of worrying over an unknown future, my mother finally set me down and told me that no, I wasn't crazy. That worrying wasn't the solution, treasuring was.
Thank you for posting about this Joanna. It's nice to know I'm not the only woman out there questioning her sanity;) Xo
My man and I were both married before, in similarly, very painful relationships; which gives us a very unique understanding of one another. Knowing how much he suffered makes me protective of him. Sometimes I am gripped with fear that something tragic will happen to one of us. I fear losing him and I also fear that he would be left without the sort of compassion I think he deserves. I suspect one of us will outlive the other and I though I cannot imagine the profound loss after a lifetime together I would prefer not to leave him alone.
I used to worry about that a lot before we had kids...i still worry...but not as much. This past year we lost my little cousin who was 5 to leukemia and it makes you really take every day and moment and not take life for granted.
Thank you for this post, and for everyone else for sharing too.
I am glad I am not the only one. Sometimes I think I am being morbid thinking of these things, but I can't help it. My grandmother is turning 101 soon and I realize that barring accident, I'll probably live that long too. There's lots of longevity in my family, something for which I feel very fortunate. The thing is, my love won't. That means that I'll easily have 10 or 20 years without him. I feel so greedy saying that, like 60 years together won't be enough. I just can't imagine trying to reshape my world without him.I know I have to appreciate whatever I can get. I just hope we can both live and love a good long while.
Wow, what a great post. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in these thoughts.
I lost my father when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my son. He crashed his car on his way to work.
I worry everyday about losing my little boy and husband. Especially when they leave together in the car.
Yep, I think about it once a day. It's good to face your worst fears, then..GOD FORBID...if they happen, y'know, you're more prepared.
Or something.
Have you read The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion? How she coped the year after her husband died. 'mazing book. x
Not every day, but you are not alone. Once in a while I will start thinking about what life would be like and I spiral into a full blown panic attack. No jokes. I am not one who ever gets panic attacks, so this is scary. I always have to talk myself out of it and pull back and forget about it till the next time something triggers it. Now I get how my mother worried about losing my dad when I was little and I thought she was crazy.
You have a amazing blog! Love it! Take a look at my blog if you want :-)
All the time. Now that we have a little one, I worry about her too. Try not to think about it though.
www.thegirlieblog.com
It's normal to be scared of losing the ones you love. For me, as girlfriend of a soldier it was dnso strange to say goodbye to him when he left for his mission to Afghanistan. Suddenly all those thoughts about 'who knows this is the last time I'll see him' all popped in my mind. So scary but, it can happen everyday, every moment. When I think about sad things like this, I stop myself and instead enjoy our beautiful moments.
I don't know if you watched the movie 'One Day' it's a beautiful love story and about losing the love of your life.
Xo
I think about that all the time, especially after I read Joan Didion's book The Year of Magical Thinking. It sounds a lot like Roiphe's book. Now that my boyfriend and I just got engaged and I'm living in France while he's in the States, I'm sure I'll be worrying about it even more. :\
http://katrina-lavoyageuse.blogspot.com/2010/04/grief-in-magical-thinking.html
Hi Joanna - I totally understand where you are coming from! After I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I became a chronic worrier. I was especially fearful of people close to me dying. Luckily, I have been able to cope with many of my anxiety issues, but the death worry is still always in the back of my mind.
I can't imagine life without my boyfriend. And sometimes, when he says I am the most important person in the world to him, it makes me uncomfortable because I can't return the sentiment. I want to say that but then I think, "What if something happens to him?" What would I do? Would I be able to live my life?
Then, I stop and remind myself that even - God forbid - something happened to him, that I am so blessed to have spent time and make memories with him.
I definitely think of this! It is problem my only true fear. I don't know what i would do if I couldn't smell my husband, brush my hands through his hair, or fall asleep hugging him. He, too, worries about this. More than once, he's woken from a nightmare with tears explaining that I had passed away in his dream but it felt so real. So sad. But it makes us hug each other longer, harder.
I don't think it is weird at all... but I am a little neurotic so who knows. I am about to get married in a few months but have not yet really thought about my partner dying- maybe because I feel like we are just starting out. But, I sometimes think about my pup dying (she is getting a little older) and feel extremely emotional about it.
I have this worry all the time. It's daily for me just like it is for you. We've been together for over 5 years and plan on getting engaged very soon and I this same anxiety. I hear about it all the time. Sudden deaths and accidents. Just last year and girl from my hometown lost her husband. They hadn't even had their first Christmas together.
So... I didn't even read the pieces of the book (which I am about to) but this post made me tear up thinking about it.
Thanks for sharing this fear with us. Because it's so common...and now I don't feel like just a worry-wart sometimes believing I'm a bit ridiculous :)
grace
http://herumbrella.com
My husband and I have been married for about three months and I feel the same way. We've both said to each other on several occasions..."I've lived 29 years on this earth without you, but now I can't even go for a few minutes when you're gone without missing you so much."
Love is a strange thing. But I agree. Now I worry that when we leave for work in the mornings that one day that would be the last time I saw him here on earth. Of course, I definitely hope it's not and that we have many, many more years ahead of us, but it's still hard not to worry because I would miss him so much.
And you're not neurotic or nuts. :)
I don't just worry about the personal loss to me, I worry about the financialloss to our family as my husband has the much better salary and we have a child. He now has a job where he has company insurance against being taken hostage while travelling to dangerous places for work (eek). We have been trying to get life insurance for him for over a year but due to a false medical result he has been in an endless loop of bureaucracy. I think about what will happen to us all the time.
ps - you might like Joan Didion's 'year of magical thinking' about the death of her husband
While most of the time I'm on the more positive side of things, the darkness of the day when your partner might not be there definitely edges in sometimes. You wrote my thoughts exactly. And I also tear up sometimes, from shear happiness and from the fact that I want to savor the moment forever. You are so right - love is such an incredible thing.
This is the worst part about falling in love...with a husband, parent, child or friend...
This thought is what definitely helps me get over any stupid fight in a hurry!
I have never had a serious romantic partner (I'm only 19, so that's fine ;) ), but sometimes when I think about losing one of sisters or parents, or best friends, i get tears in my eyes and my throat closes up at the thought of it. Things like if my dad wouldn't be there to give me away at my wedding someday, or if my children wouldn't know my parents. Especially since i'm at a point in my life where I have so much to learn from them still, and so many things I can't tell them right now. I do try always to make sure we didn't just have a fight or something before I leave, I couldn't live with myself if that was the last thing i said to them. But I think those feelings are ok, it makes you realise not to take your relationships for granted.
A great friend of mine's husband has a brain tumor - he was given 6 months, that was 11 months ago. I think about them constantly, it's making me kind of crazy. Would you rather know and deal with it every day or have it be quick and sudden?
Me and many of my friends are married to "older" guys - we always joke how we're all going to get a house together in Florida when we're widows, just like the Golden Girls!
Everyone's comments are so sweet and heartfelt! you are all so awesome - xoxoxo!
I know a lovely young woman who was in med school with her new husband. Unfortunately, her husband died of a brain aneurysm very suddenly. She spent ages blaming herself bc as a med student she felt she should have seen the symptoms. Such a tragic story and it's definitely contributed to my worries! Although as a single girl I think the bigger worry for me is finding someone...
My parents had been happily married for 29 years when my father unexpectedly died. It DESTROYED my mom, to the point of not being able to function. She was a seemingly strong, independent woman before he died but with his loss, she lost all her identity. I felt like I lost both my mom and my dad and even 7 yrs later, I still feel that. I'm all for loving deeply but I will forever be conscious of not losing my entire self in a person.
this thought does worry me sometimes as well! i guess we are both worry warts!
I always say to my husband - quoting Winnie the Pooh "If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."
Yes! I don't remember worrying about this before getting married, but I have worried about this (a lot!) since saying "I do". I think something about committing to spending a lifetime with someone really brought this issue into the foreground for me. As some other commenters have shared, the age difference between myself and my husband (he's 10 years older) carries some weight for me. I've also worked with people who've had strokes, so there's a related worry that I have: Would I be strong enough to support my husband and care for him if it came to that? What if his personality changed? I sort of fluctuate between feeling a weird mix of scared/vulnerable/touched by loving someone so much and dealing with things in a more intellectual way. The emotional part of this is painfully raw but, as you point out, it makes me really appreciate the moments I do have with my husband, so I'm glad for it in a way. The intellectual side is probably helpful in a way too because it motivates me to talk with my husband about things like retirement and advanced directives, which would be easy to put off indefinitely. I do have to balance this out with trying to accept that there's no way to know for sure what will happen or how I'll respond until things happen.... That's probably the hardest part for me to do, but I'm working on it and learning from my husband who seems more comfortable with uncertainty around this.
I absolutely have this fear. I havent lost anyone extremely close to me unexpectedly, but having seen my peers and their parents lose a parent / partner, it's amazing how much death can screw up the path everyone envisions for themselves.
Now that Ive found my soul mate, I thank God I found him so early in my life (age 24) but I also worry that God will take him away early as well. But...it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all.
Another great reason to learn to relish in the present moment. It's really all we have.
Thank you for sharing this- I feel like I'm not alone!
One night last week, while cuddling on my couch with my sweet husband, I randomly started sobbing. I tried to explain my emotions while he was comforting me - and the only way I could explain it is: I feel like I've never had so much to lose. I've never been at such a content, joyful place in my life, and I'm terrified of something random happening to him. I know that I need to try to speak to someone about managing these fears. I so want to be living in the moments of our sweet life- and being an adventurous fearless girl!
Thank you, thank you, for sharing.
I'm a worrier naturally, but a couple of years ago my husband got diagnosed with Melanoma. Even though he's fine now, brushing up a reality without him in it was awful. When the panic grips me now, I try to let it go and to not to be completely neurotic about it, otherwise I'd just become a hermit or something. But I have moments when it's hard to do.
The benefit (I think?) is that you become more aware of how fleeting and special life is. Which is cheesy, but definitely true.
(I do worry about having kids and having to deal with the anxiety of hypotheticals on a whole other level. ) Anyways, I'm glad I'm not the only one:)
I started to date my long-term boyfriend only 5 months after his sister-in-law had unexpectedly died after only 2 years of marriage to his brother (at the age of 26, no less!)
Seeing the way that this sudden loss had affected my boyfriend's entire family still makes me feel paranoid that I might lose him, because I felt like I had seen the havoc that such a loss could bring.
It also almost occasionally made me feel guilty that we were so happy when his brother was so miserable. On the other hand, it reminded me to not take my relationship for granted and that all happiness could be fleeting. I don't think you're crazy at all, Joanna! I still feel oddly connected to this sister-in-law that I never met. It's strange sometimes how the lives of people we don't know can affect us.
I've always been a worrier too. When I was a kid I used to worry I worried too much. Now that I have my own family and so much to loose I often have these concerns that something might happen to one of them, my girls, my husband. How would I go on if I lost them. Especially when you hear about the terrifying stories in the news like what happened to the Badger Family. I don't know how she's able to go on.
You are not alone! This thought happens to pop in my head all the time. I'm a fellow worry wart, as well. Just this past weekend, my husband was on a hunting trip and I could not sleep at all without him. Suddenly I burst into tears because I realized that was how life would be if anything ever happened to him. It's a terrifying thought, but it is definitely a great reminder to not take any second for granted and snuggle every time you get a chance.
D and I have talked about it a lot. Dating was not a fun experience, and I've told him several times that I would have a hard time getting remarried if he were to pass on. It's incredible how close the two of you become, and I can only imagine how someone with children might feel about this as well.
But yes. I'm a worrier, and I've totally worried about this, even before we were married.
I'm not married...and i certainly want to be, but sometimes I meet the widows and widowers who never stopped grieving and I wonder if I'd be the same way. But i think the happy moments are worth it. Great blog.
Life can change in an instant. I know this all to well. My husband and I lost our best friend the day before my 25th birthday and it crushed us. We had only been married a few months and even worse... he had just married 29 days prior. His wife and I spent hours calling hospitals and jails looking for him until finally the police found us and gave us the awful news. I was actually cleaning out my files yesterday and came across the piece of paper where we scribbled and scratched off names of hospitals the morning of. Nearly 3 years later, and it still hurts the same. It makes me so fearful of loosing my own husband, I don't know what I would do! That is actually when I turned to blogging... to keep my mind occupied :) Eventually I want to share stories about him, but right now we are just trying to learn how to live life without. Thank you for posting, it's nice to know someone else shares my biggest fear.
Reading this made my eyes water. I'll definitely be picking up this book. Love is such a powerful thing, and it is usually in the littlest ways that we learn the most about our love and our loves.
my fiancé was hit by a minivan 5 months before our wedding while out for an afternoon run. luckily, the van just clipped him. but, for a good 45 minutes, I had no idea how bad the accident was. all I knew, thanks to a phone call, was that he had been hit and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. that 45 minutes was easily the worst of my life. the not knowing, coupled with my active imagination, made for a flurry of worries...would he be able to walk down the aisle? dance? did he hit his head? would he need surgery? could he die?
in the end, it was just his ankle that needed surgery. he walked down the aisle just fine and our first dance went off without a hitch. but, the accident did plant the seed for a life imagined without him. I try not to water it. I try to look at the experience as a gift; he wasn't gravely injured and now I really know how fragile and special and lucky we are are as a couple.
however, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't terrify me these days when I see him getting ready for another run.
I think your worries are completely natural and the positive side is that you are focusing them on appreciating what you have now.
I have lost people very close to me, both of my parents passed away by the time I was 30, I am 33 now. Losing people you love is not easy. I am not married yet but I even I worry about the impact of losing a husband once I do have one.
You're definitely not alone! There is something so beautiful about being attached in so many places with someone but also really scary. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and I recently started worrying about losing him - luckily it's not to the point of being a problem, and it just makes me appreciate our time together so much more. Have you watched The Big C with Laura Linney?
I lost a little boy a few years ago, so I would say the fear of losing someone again is a daily fear with me. This year I am finishing my nursing degree while my husband works 600 miles away. I've had to learn what life is like without him around to shovel the snow from the driveway and fix leaky faucets and warm me up when the bed is too cold. It kind of sucks. I can definitely identify with the fear you are grappling with. I am adding this book to my reading list but I will wait until I am back with my husband since it sounds like a tearjerker.
I have had alot of death in my life the last few years - my father to a murder, my two best friends and another besties husband died (aside from my dad, the others were in their 50's). I think of losing my Alex quite often and due to the fact that I have lost so many people lately, I don't take anything for granted. I tell everyone I love them as often as I can. The one thing I would truly miss about my Alex is his laugh and his ability to make everyone else around him laugh, and the times when we are just hanging out at home together...he's the best! Great question! xxoo
OMG yes... My partner is 14 years old than me and I think about this at times... but then he reminds me "Amanda, you could get hit by a bus today and then I would be all alone". Reminds me to cherish the moments.
Well, clearly you're not the only one who feels this way :). I definitely worry about this too, I don't even think I'd be able to read that book- and I'm not even married yet! In situations like this I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I were religious- not easier to lose a spouse or loved one, but easier to let go of those worries. I feel like some people are grounded by the belief that no matter what happens, they are bound together with their spouse, children, and family forever. I wish I could feel that way or take some comfort in that idea, too.
I think about this all of the time. I'm a huge worst case scenario person so it ways heavily on my mind.
My husband is training to be a Mortician, so death is a frequent subject between us. We know exactly what we want when it comes to funerals and cremation vs. burial. It's weird. :)
nope, you're def not crazy. i think about this ALL the time. to an extreme, really. its to the point where if my husband doesn't answer his phone and i'm certain he should be available to talk, i begin to panic and don't calm down until i reach him. i'm so glad you posted this though because i once actually called my best gf while in panic mode about not being able to get in touch with my husband (it had been like an hour and he was supposed to pick me up somewhere, but got locked out of our house without his phone) and she thought i was nuts! so happy to know i'm not the only one who worries too much. a lucky thing though, if you think about it...to have someone worth worrying SO much about?
I'm 4.5 months pregnant and I woke up the other night sobbing from a horrible dream! My husband died in a car accident and I had to have our baby by myself and just move on in life without him. Maybe it's hormones, but now that I am pregnant I think about it all the time!
I feel the same way. My boyfriend and I have had a long distance relationship for nearly 4 out of 5 years that we've been together and the scariest part about not being close is that something could happen and I wouldn't be there with him. I just have to not think about it!
I think about this a lot. And then, weirdly, instead of worrying (because I can't prevent it from happening) my brain starts planning my contingency plan--what would I do with the house, how do I protect my boys, do I need a lawncare service...etc. Crazy, right? But it's too horrible to think about, so my nutty brain needs to control the whole thing by planning.
I think this is such a common and normal worry, and one that I used to shed a ton of tears for. But I'm struck by the fact that no one mentioned faith in their comments. I used to be an absolutely terrified worrier , but (and I know this will sound looney)then I started to learn more about God and I just don't worry anymore. He's got me. And when I start to freak out that life is too short, I just remind myself that it's eternal.
I'm not saying that should be everyone's path, but I'm surprised no one else mentioned it as a factor in their life or their worries. I also used to worry tons about my husband (he's a bit wild - motorcycle, tattoos,etc) and then read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, which totally changed my perspective about trying to keep control on the people in my life in order to keep them safe. People gotta live, and we gotta let them. Sometimes the worry creeps back in, but it's far less pervasive than it used to be.
http://www.amazon.com/Wild-Heart-Discovering-Secret-Mans/dp/1400200393/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326998648&sr=1-1
Strangely, since I had my daughter 2 years ago, I worry about ME dying and leaving her and my husband alone. I think I feel that I could handle losing them better than they could handle losing me. As I'm typing it, it sounds self-centered, but I have often wondered if I am the only one who thinks this way...because I'm too scared to even talk about it with anyone! Before I had a child, I rarely thought of losing my husband...naive and silly, I know. I am the opposite of a worrier though, and I don't know how you worriers get through the day!
I worry about this all the time too! By boyfriend's dad died at 44, his paternal grandfather at 43, and his great-grandfather at 40, all due to a heart condition. While my boyfriend has been regularly seeing a cardiologist for 10 years, he's not quite 30 yet and I'm sooooo scared we would only have another 10-15 years together. Aaaaaand, now I'm tearing up at work. Geez.
Not a lot but I think anyone who is in a committed relationship things about these things. I will say silly things like, "I want you to excersize so you don't die". Then I blame these thoughts on my OCD :) I don't dwell on these thoughts too much since LIFE is so much fun, right now. Gotta live in the moment.
http://obsessivision.com/
My younger sister and best fried died in a car accident at the age of 18. She had just graduated high school and was coming to stay with me in the big city, 12 hours from our parents house. I am not the same person. I have a wonderful life, I am happy and content, but something is always missing. The feeling is less now that it was, but it is always there. For a time I believed it was a calling to find my passion in life, to find what I was born to do. I felt a constant search for that missing piece. Only recently as I began some deep self-reflection did I realize it is because my sister is gone. Happy events are happy but not completely. Since she died I have not felt complete and I know I never will. I still appreciate my life and love my husband with my whole heart, I wake up grateful for my healthy children, I live with the small, unsettled feeling of my soul searching for my sister every day.
Dear-girl,
You are not crazy, nor are you neurotic. I am glad you wrote this post as it reminds us of what we so easily take for granted. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us and for loving your husband as authentically as you do. Keep it alive and remember always to pursue joy together.
My younger sister and best fried died in a car accident at the age of 18. She had just graduated high school and was coming to stay with me in the big city, 12 hours from our parents house. I am not the same person. I have a wonderful life, I am happy and content, but something is always missing. The feeling is less now that it was, but it is always there. For a time I believed it was a calling to find my passion in life, to find what I was born to do. I felt a constant search for that missing piece. Only recently as I began some deep self-reflection did I realize it is because my sister is gone. Happy events are happy but not completely. Since she died I have not felt complete and I know I never will. I still appreciate my life and love my husband with my whole heart, I wake up grateful for my healthy children, I live with the small, unsettled feeling of my soul searching for my sister every day.
I think about this more often than I care to admit, and am so relieved to read this post! My husband happens to be a firefighter, so on nights that he is away from me at work, I sleep with the phone right next to my head, just in case.
It's so strange--as a person, he is larger than life, so strong, so alive. He is my personal definition of safe. But because of my love, I see, more than anything, the ways he is vulnerable.
I might just pick up Epilogue, though something tells me it won't be an easy read for me.
I cannot believe that I was reading this as a post today. Last night I had a long conversation with my husband and I told him that I am scared of him dying. I have had a feeling of losing him, not for any good reason, for awhile. I love him so much that I miss him all the time even though we work together everyday. I think you got it right, don't take anything for granted. I now will have to read that book, sounds amazing. Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. :) Thanks for sharing!
I don't think about that probably because it's too awful to think about (my brain won't let me go there) and I'm a little superstitous about it. I do feel compelled at times to tell my boyfriend that when we are married, if I died, I would very much want him to remarry so he wouldn't be lonely. Haven't really thought about how I would feel as the surviving partner.
I think about my two kids dying all the time. Sometimes it hits me what it would feel like to be at their funeral...I can't even breathe. I don't know how I could go on after such a loss. Sure, losing my husband would be unbearable, but losing my kids... I can't even begin to imagine.
Okay, now i have to go stare at them while they nap.
I've thought of this many times!
I've told my husband that if something ever happened to him, I seriously don't think I would know what to do without him.
Great post. As a 27-year-old widow, I can definitely say you are not crazy! It does happen. BUT, one of the best things I learned from my late husband is that spending quality time with my loved ones is the most important thing. He was in law school, but the time between 5 and 8 pm was always set aside for me and our son. You never know when your time together will end... don't waste it!
Such a familiar feeling. I am scared every time he takes a plane to go to another country to play a concert, and I always wait for a phone call to hear if the plane has landed. I have also imagined how the people felt when war started and they were not together or were seperated and met after 20 years or sven never met again. I am also scared if my husband takes both our kids and they go somewher with a car as I once witnessed a situation where father and 2 kids got in car crash and passed away.... Cant imagine how the woman, mother, wife felt. It really must be destiny.
Hello Joanna :)
My fiance died in June from melanoma. It is absolutely true that you remember and long for the small things. I was going through some of our old books a few weeks ago and I realized how freely and often Derek used bookmarks and left them in the novels after he was done reading them. I would analyze the bookmarks which were typically receipts or plane tickets (one with my name on it) and try to remember the exact instance he bought that new bike seat or the radiator for our bedroom. He took exceptional care of "things" like our kitchen knives or his cast iron pan, better care than the average 25 year old male might.
Most of all I miss how he was a teacher. He was a political science student and I am an advertising student and he would explain to me the intricacies of why and how South Sudan was going to become its own country or help me understand why certain embargoes were necessary (or not) around the world. He had so much left to teach me! My education is deficient without him.
He was perfect. I know I'm just prejudice ;)
You are certainly not weird for your thoughts. If Alex is special, how could you not?
(Sorry for the ramble. I just like to talk about him)
@Beth F. You're not the only one. My mom has told me repeatedly that if she dies before my father he will have no idea what to with himself and she is right. He's used to being taken care of.
I think about this issue more now that my father died last August from cancer. He was only 64 and he & my mom were married for 41 years. It's been really difficult for her, especially since my sister and I live here in Alaska and she is in Tennessee. One thing that has helped is the fact that I'm due with a baby boy in about 3 weeks and we're planning on naming him after my dad. Losing my dad has made me really appreciate the relationship I have with my husband all the more.
Thank you for this reminder!!! I worry about this all the time. I dont know my problem. I always get stressed if my husband doesn't call when I know he is supposed to, after school and work and when he drives home. But I also know that if that does happen in my life, I will be reunited with my husband on the other side. I wasn't as afraid before we started having kids and now I am stressed to be a young widow!!! Ahhhhh this was good to read and I am going to check out tht book! Thanks for the reminder that love is special and sacred. Thanks!!!
thank you so much for writing this post. my dad died in april (my parents had been married 25 years). i, along with my 3 siblings, have daily struggles & its clearly been a really tough time. but my mom is going through something completely different. and she can always talk to us kids but we just cannot fully relate. losing a parent so young (im 25) is difficult but seeing the other living parent having to go through it is also incredibly hard, in its own way. i might get her this book, see if it helps at all. thanks again!
My father died when I was a young teenager, and I felt that loss for myself and saw the loss for my mother. I think about it constantly. So much so that at my rehearsal dinner, when playing a little trivia game, everyone answered correctly when asked "What does Sara fear most?" They all said "Losing someone important to her." I hardly talk about it, and don't let it interfere with living my life, but it does make me constantly grateful for what I have. Sometimes, reading next to my husband after he's fallen asleep, I look over and think to myself "You're so alive. You're so here." And I turn off my light and snuggle in close.
Joanna, my husband died 3 years ago. Our children were still young teenagers. It's a tough road no matter how well-prepared you are (or not). Even so, living in a culture like ours which either ignores death or thinks anything on the subject is abnormal or morbid makes it even harder. I'm doing pretty well, though. Oh, and thanks for the Roiphe rec! I need to read that, clearly.
Yes, you are neurotic. I force myself not to think of losing loved ones - it would cloud even my happiest day.
Yes! I am totally neurotic, but I worry about this frequently to the point of tears. I met my now-husband in college when I was 17 (he was a worldly older man at 21), so we've now spent 9 of my 26 years with our lives completely intertwined. He is my best friend and truly my life partner...I honestly don't know what I would do without him and the thought terrifies me.
You make a good point that while love is so amazing, you have so much to lose- I lost an amazing relationship a year ago (via an awful breakup), and it makes me fearful to get into one again. I don't want to experience those feelings of loss again, be it through a regular breakup or something tragic like death. Sometimes, as unhealthy as it sounds, being alone can make me feel safer.
I've only been married for just over seven months. In that time, I've told my husband countless times "don't you ever die." He alwyas replies sarcastically, "I swear, I will never die." As much as we laugh about it, it's something I really do think about. It just breaks my heart when I hear of other people losing their partner.
I'm right there with you, Joanna. You're not crazy.
I can't tell you how much this post rings true for me.
I too worry about this exact thing. I try to remind myself that it's so wonderful that I love someone enough to even consider the heartbreak that would ensue should anything happen to him. This way of thinking also helps curveball any silly arguments we may have. If we ever get into a heated discussion I stop and think, if anything happened to him over night, would I want this to be our last conversation? It sounds kind of morbid but it really puts into perspective the little annoyances that just need to be let go of. Great post! Thanks Joanna
I blame my fear of my husband dying on the death of my father, which happened when I was a freshman in college. I love books like this, and enjoyed "A Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, which is about her spouse and child dying in the same year. Sad, yes. But also beautifully reflective.
Earlier this month my husband found a lump in his arm and I was beside myself. Before we found out it wasn't anything to worry about, it drove me crazy thinking about life without him. I've always joked that I want to go first, but that's not much of a joke. I watched my grandmother try to deal with my grandpa's death after 56 years of marriage, and she always said laying in bed alone was what always made her so sad.
Death is a part of life, but if it doesn't scare you at all, I think that's equally odd as thinking about it all the time.
I can't imagine life without my husband. I think what you're experiencing is totally normal. Unfortunately, loving people also sometimes means losing them and it's terrifying.
my little brother died in a car accident almost one year ago. my mind still hasn't even really embraced it, even though time has passed. to lose someone you love more deeply than you can put words to, someone who has residence in the deepest parts of your heart, well - i don't know how people get through it. i am still hoping that i will.
at my brother jimmy's funeral, i read a poem by henry scott holland. it was hard to read, but comforted me and still does in moments when the reality of his absence becomes unbearable.
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all/
One of my best friend's husband died. We all shared an anniversary a day apart. They were married almost 35 years. We're just coming upon 30. I see her now...sad, lonely, coping. And she calls every year and kinda has an anniversary with us. :-( I feel so bad for her. And I know how you feel about the thought of your spouse dying. Every time my hubby leaves the house and doesn't come back in a timely fashion I worry that he's had an accident, gotten held up by a hijacker, or been the random gunshot victim down at the local convenience store! LOL...It's not funny!!...Oh! ^_^ That was ME laughing!!...I enjoy him every day, and keep every memory in my heart.
I'm sure someone has mentioned this already in the comments, but I had the exact same reaction after reading Didion's A Year of Magical Thinking. What always struck me was how she kept going back to the idea of how she needed her husband to help her get over the death of her husband. I.e. she needed her best friend to help her get over the death of him. This resonated with me so deeply. I can't imagine having to overcome without his help. Another amazing read.
Ever since my sister-in-law died of cancer at age 34, leaving behind a devoted husband and a three-year-old daughter, I think about such things quite often. Don't take anything for granted and just try to enjoy the moment. But don't spent your time in constant fear, try to be thankful instead. Life is too precious!
This isn't crazy at all! My husband unfortunately has a chronic illness and it's something that I hate to admit, but it's on my mind a lot. Just thinking about my daily life without him kills me. Luckily, he takes very good care of himself and we're both actively involved in his treatment, but definitely still worry about it.
This is a Terrible story i sure tonight i will have Terrible dream after i read : )
No, not nuts at all. I, too, am a worrier and losing my spouse is a deep fear of mine. I often pray for peace to calm my fear and lately the fear is been less of a dominant thought in my mind.
I don't think the fear is all bad. As you said, it causes you to cherish your husband even more. :) That's always a good thing.
The movie "PS I Love You" affected me the same way Epilogue did you. I think it's important to feel that way because if you didn't, you wouldn't realize what you have and how precious it is until it's gone.
That is a touching post. I'm a military wife, my husband is a Naval Aviator. And anyone who has seen cheesy "Top Gun" has a general idea of what wives like the one Meg Ryan portrays might feel. I've known my share of war widows and orphans. Naturally it is something people think about all the time but you have to learn to appreciate every moment. I'm so thankful I met and married my husband. I remember when he told me what he wanted to do, well intentioned friends told me to break up with my boyfriend at the time. I would rather spend a short time loving him than have missed the chance altogether. We hope everyday that people like my husband are safe, that risk is mitigated but these are the facts of life. You could be in a car accident or get sick tomorrow. You just cannot live your life worrying about what you cannot know. That being said, my grandfather was widowed in his early twenties when my grandmother died in childbirth. He was widowed a second time when his second wife had a sudden aneurysm. He always told me to treasure each day that is given to you with the one you love.
This thought really has not crossed my mind with my boyfriend, but definitely with my mom. It gets me all teary eyed even thinking about it. After a very rough past few years with my mom on the verge of losing her life to still unknown medical issues and anorexia, the thought has unfortunately been with me very frequently. This post really hit close to home and I don't think you're crazy or worrying too much, I think it's very natural to think of death before it happens and how you think you'll cope. I just hope to have people around that I can go to when that time does come because I really don't know what I'll do with myself.
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