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Monday, June 06, 2011

Motherhood Mondays: A funny tip about sex...

My darlings, for this Motherhood Monday post, let's talk about...sex! Recently I heard a genius tip about how to have a sexy date night with your husband. Want to hear?


Esther Perel, the author of the fascinating book Mating in Captivity, says that when you get home from a romantic night out, the key to having a sexy rest-of-the-night is simple: Let your husband pay the babysitter.

Why?

When the woman pays the babysitter, Perel says, she instantly switches back into "mom mode." She hunts for the cash and adds up the hourly wages; she asks the babysitter how much milk the baby drank and how long it took for him to fall asleep; she asks about the babysitter's weekend and confirms the next babysitting appointment. Having sex? Suddenly it's the furthest thing from her mind. She's back at work!

So, instead of paying the babysitter, says Perel, the woman should get home and head straight to the bedroom. That way, she can relax, maybe pour a glass of wine or light a candle, and keep feeling fun and flirty. Meanwhile, the husband pays the sitter, sends her on her way, and then joins his lovely date!

Isn't that funny? It's such a simple but great tip. (I just hope our babysitters don't read this post, since after our next date night, I will be booking it to the bedroom:)

What do you think, mamas? Who normally pays the babysitter? What do you do on your date nights? What other little things do you do to keep the sparks in your relationship? I would LOVE to hear! xoxo
(Top photo via The Bean and the Bear; bottom photo of Alex and me by Christine. Also, thanks, Anna)

116 comments:

Jenna Lee said...

I never thought of it that way, its funny how you can trick yourself isn't staying relaxed. Love the kissing pic! SOOO cute! I think its time for another little one!

the southern hostess said...

I don't have kids yet, but that makes a whole lot of sense to me. Also, that first picture is brilliant!

rebecca s. said...

this is so fascinating! we don't have children yet but it sounds like something that will ring true to so many mommas. even without children, i can see how paying the sitter will just get you back into mom mode. i bet it will be hard for some women to NOT get into mom mode once they are home, see the baby, etc.

i love these motherhood posts, joanna.

Joanna Goddard said...

it's so funny how true it rings for me -- it's like once you hear that your baby cried for 5 minutes before falling asleep, or that he took a giant poop, you just aren't in the mood anymore, haha! this is the smartest and easiest tip ever :)

Anonymous said...

I would also recommend a baby or toddler who sleeps through the night and a non-bf'ing mama. 28 months on, and neither is the case for me. Sex, needless to say, does not happen. at. all. Too stressed and exhausted to even think about it!

But yeah, having the papa pay the babysitter is a very good idea!

spearmint baby said...

haha! last time my husband DID pay the bbsitter...but my problem is that i am sooo overtired and i just want to sleep. maybe a quick energy drink ;)

besswess said...

Great idea!

SmartBear said...

OH, I adore this post. Because I ADORE date night. They are set in ADVANCE a month ahead. I don't mess around with date nights. They are a must do!
While I love this advice, I have to say, my strategy is a bit...well...off the rocker? By the time we go out and have a movie or catch a show or hang out with friends? I am tired. I am too tired to even think about my mojo. My strategy is twofold...either we take advantage of nap time the day of date night and spend the rest of the evening flirting in our post-glow bliss or...(hanging head in shame) we make use of the car. I KNOW! It's awful right? But nothing makes you feel like you are on a hot date than makin' out with your boyfriend (read: husband) in the car with your knickers thrown about. Until you get caught by a car of teenagers in the back parking lot of the movie theater. THAT was not so hot. Maybe I am not the best with giving this advice. Go with the professional who wrote the book. LOL!
Best,
Tina

Giulia Doyle said...

ha, ha...too funny. My hubby does pay the babysitter, but to be honest I'm not sure how people have 3 or more kids :) I'd love to read more tips on not letting day to day and pure exhaustion get in the way of that fun - it was fun, right?
Great pic!

JennySue said...

That's hilarious, I never thought of it that way, but what a grand idea!! Hubby will def be paying the bill next time.
If you get a chance, I'd love for you to check out my beauty blog, www.jennysuemakeup.com, and leave a comment on how you handle your hectic days as a mom and blogger. I truly respect your opinions! Take care and keep up the great posts.

Esther said...

I love this tip! Next date night I'm running up the stairs! xxx

Jackie Geschwind said...

though the youngest of my 3 children is 11 (yikes!)...this is such a wonderful new feature of your blog! in fact, it has inspired my own Marketwatch Mondays on my real estate blog.:)

Heba said...

brilliant tip :))

http://girlynote.blogspot.com

Janelle said...

LOL Tina! ^

I am also too tired after dinner and a movie. So we have to split it up. Some date nights are for going out, and some (when the kids are being watched at someone else's house) are for sex!

-Tired mama of FOUR!
http://littleoceanandme.blogspot.com/

Jackie Geschwind said...

"awkwardly booking it to the bedroom" -- that's funny.

D&D said...

hilarious. oddly enough, i used to always get paid by the dads. you moms are smart.

Rachel Joins the Fray said...

Hahaha, especially the "hunting around for cash"!! Right on! This is sooooooo true! (Unless I'm drunk while trying to speak to/pay the babysitter, in which case I'm just trying to pretend I'm not drunk and hoping I get the math right. ; ))

tiffany. said...

dont have any kids (or a husband) yet! but this is genius!!! taking NOTE!

xo.
http://dropsofjupiterBLOG.com

coleface said...

LOL, Ryan and I always FORGET to pay the babysitter. Babysitters dont take visa debit, duh.

Kelly said...

Genius!

DENISE. said...

I love this! Hysterical!

Christine Cameron said...

Aw, yay! I remember when I took that adorable photo! So cute. :)

xoxo

Christine

{Check out my blog at

mystylepill.com}

Joanna Goddard said...

making out in the car!! haha, i love it!! :) we used to go "parking" in high school in michigan :) omg, what a flashback.

stephanie said...

That makes complete sense to me. I don't have kids, but I think the reasoning holds true even when it's just you and your husband. When we get home from dinner or a date night, I fall right into cleaning up the kitchen, putting things away, folding that last load of laundry. From now on I'm going to focus on ignoring those pesky chores and focus on keeping the mood going!

Hollie said...

This makes sense! We always send the kiddo to her grandparents for an overnite stay on date nites.

SmartBear said...

Okay...I just have to add that I am so glad I am not the only one who has to try and pretend to not be tipsy when I pay the babysitter...I am sure it is evident by the handwriting on my checks...
And Joann...I am SURE we gave those teenagers something new to learn...sheesh.
Best,
Tina

Katie said...

I've been a date night (and daytime) baby-sitter for over ten years now... this will have wondering a bit when the husband is the one to pay and send me on my way!

Erica @ Acire Adventures said...

Such a good idea. When we get a babysitter (um, once every few months?) she usually just heads out pretty quickly on her own anyways. Other than that our family members always claim the little guy for sleepovers, so that makes everything really easy: nobody to pay and no kiddo for the whole night!

Anonymous said...

I think this is a wonderful idea!!!!!!!!! I love the idea of extending date night rather than ending it by getting back into the mommy "mode" right away. It would also be good to let the Dad handle this interaction, since (I think) many moms probably usually do and I totally believe in both parents enjoying and being responsible for child care tasks. Once your baby sleeps through the night and you are not over tired, how nice would it be to light a candle or two and lit on the bed to chat and after a great "date"! Lucky for me, my babes usually sleep all the way 'til morning.

CLF said...

I love that you inadvertently point out the fact that father's are so different (simple) in the sense that they don't go into "dad mode" from something like paying the babysitter--wish we mamas could keep things as simple as the men in our lives sometimes! ;) I could never see my husband asking about poops, feeds, and certainly not what the babysitter is going to do this weekend! They have no sense of duty--something I wish I could shut off, just sometimes! :) Maybe that's why men are so "easy" in the bedroom! (not to be totally sexist here:)) Thanks for the great baby posts--I absolutely love them and look forward to them! XO

Anonymous said...

That picture is too cute and says it all!!!! Pregnancy and a new baby can definitely play havoc with the sex life. Love the tip.

Amy Lauree said...

When I used to babysit (before I had my own car as a young teen), sometimes one of the parents would have to drive me home!

Now that we have our own daughter, she goes for a one night sleepover to her grandparents at least every second weekend in a month. We are so lucky! (Cheap, and we can sleep in the next day :)

natalie said...

Great tip Joanna. This applies to me and my phone, once I get home if I look at my work email it's all over. p.s. Now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head for days!

Designs Good said...

We don't have any children yet, but I'll keep this in mind for the future--totally makes sense!

Pink Princess said...

So true about the quick switch to mommy mode! This is a great tip! I'll be sure to use it the next time we have the sitter over.

Anonymous said...

Haha! This is so funny. Oh and I'm pretty sure your babysitter reads this site religiously, just like the rest of us!

Marcella @ www.cellababee.blogspot.com

Cath said...

Back in my day as a nanny, it was nearly always the mama chatting and paying. Hindsight now shows me the dads making friendly chitchat but looking somewhat dejected and pacing. I now know what was going on in the guy's head, "Great. Mommy mode has kicked back in and now I'm not gettin' any."
Yay for figuring out this very simple relationship puzzle. It didn't dawn on me until this post! Enjoy your next date night!

L E A H said...

So cute, that's such a great idea..

I'll have to remember this for when I have kids!

Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...

My husband always pays the sitter (usually because the two sitters that watch our kids night/weekends are students of my professor-husband, so he knows them better than I do). I think one of them has a crush on my hubby, so I automatically stay in "sexy mode" to ensure my man doesn't run off with a younger woman!! :-)

These posts are great, Joanna, keep them coming!

Caitlin said...

This is great, I love this advice, tucking it away for the future! But I agree with some other commenters that it applies to us non-mamas as well. I definitely open the door of the apartment, turn on the lights, start picking things up around the place, turn on the computer or check the phone and then bam, romance is gone. Need to keep myself as single minded as my husband! :)

Katie said...

That's too funny! I'm still in the stage of life in which I am the babysitter, but I'm keeping this in mind for that next stage. :)

Sarah said...

I totally want to try this. The only thing is usually our babysitters are family. So I feel back bailing on them. Maybe I can figure out how to do it in a slick and tricky way.

The pictures are hilarious btw

- Sarah
http://agirlintransit.blogspot.com/

Isabelle et Stéphane said...

What do you suggest when it's your in-laws that do the baby sitting? Our case ;p

DENiSE said...

After 10 years of marriage and a 9 month old my husband and I have to make the extra effort for "us" time. It is so true how it is SO hard to relax because as a working mom you're just go-go-going ALL day long! My husband also works 2 jobs so it's tough. We take advantage of nap-time!!! Heehee

A Rancher's Wife said...

Interesting tip! I'll share with my mommy and daddy friends!

Rebekka Seale said...

Okay...I've never commented on your blog before, but I just had to on this one. I just love that you posted about this! We don't have children yet, but when we do I will remember this for sure! You and husband are absolutely adorable.

anilia said...

haha- I will certainly use this one. We also have a "code" which gets us ready for a good night and reminds the other one to get to bed early. By either placing a small towel on the pillow or mentioning such an act the other one knows it is time to play. :)

Stephanie said...

that is some of the best advice i've ever heard.

so true. i always end up chit chatting with my babysitter for at least 20 minutes!

Christen said...

Great tip! I'll remember that next time. It helps if I turn off the baby monitor. Maybe that sounds bad? We live in a small house, so if Finley started to really cry we would definitely hear her. Sometimes it's nice to have it off for a few minutes, hearing her baby music playing as she sleeps is sweet, but it doesn't really set the mood if you know what I mean.

A Sunday Kind Of Love said...

as a long-time babysitter (since age 12!) this finally explains why the mothers almost always had their husbands pay me/drive me home. i always thought it was weird since i knew the mothers better :D

Nicole Marie said...

i'm far from motherhood but this is such good advice for when i have kids

www.StarHughes.com said...

Aw such a cute picture!!! And funny advice too :) I don't have kids (not married either - only 20!) but I will remember that when things fall into place!!
Star Hughes Living

Maresa Patterson said...

I love reading your blog, but I found today's posting a bit alienating.

What about those of us who are married with kids, but who don't have husbands? My wife and I have a fantastic six month old son. Who would you suggest pay the babysitter?

Just reminding you that not all of us married moms have husbands.

Marty J. Christopher said...

Ha! I posted about sex today, too. But about sex in a marriage, not necessarily with kids. This is a good tip, though. It's also pretty true! When I used to babysit years ago, I remember that when the mom paid, she would always end up talking to me forever. When the dad paid, I was always ushered out or driven home quickly and that was that. Funny that I never put two and two together until this post!

Jamie @ charmingly ordinary said...

That top photo is so clever! Adore. And it's amazing how complicated life gets when you're a family of 3+. Excellent tip, but our babysitter is usually my mom. Hmmm. Ha!

Nems said...

ha! I love this!

Joanna Goddard said...

maresa, yes, that's a really good point -- sorry about that. hmmm, maybe you could take turns paying the sitter, or is one of you less emotionally tied up in the day-to-day of the baby? i know that my husband isn't as affected by everything as much as i am -- for example, he wouldn't feel emotional if the babysitter told him that toby cried for a few minutes before falling asleep. so, if one of you is more practical about the baby, and the other is more emotional, have the more practical partner pay the sitter. i hope that helps! but i know that your real point was that not every new mom is in a heterosexual marriage--there are many types of families out there (gay partnerships, single moms, step families, etc), and i will acknowledge that more in future posts. thank you for the reminder!! xoxo

Joanna Goddard said...

CLF, i totally agree!!! i wish i could be more "all business" sometimes :)

Joanna Goddard said...

thanks for these lovely comments!! xoxo

One Woman's Thoughts said...

Sounds like a wonderful idea . . . and I do love the message it sends . . .

but sadly someone has to drive the babysitter home and if the sitter is a young female it's often the "Mom" who drives her because in todays society of sexual implications it makes more sense.

Now . . he (romantic man that he is, smiles) could have a nice bath waiting for her when she gets back, and have lighted a few candles, a little foor rub, maybe with a glass of wine . . . there is a way around everything.

Stephanie said...

Ha, good point! Another thing that helps is having a children's log. That way, the babysitter can write down all the important stuff for you to read...in the morning. :)

Both pictures are adorable. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly.

thinkpriddy said...

haha i love this!

Alexa said...

Too funny! I'm not married or a mom, but I nannied all through college and usually the mom would chat with me for half an hour while the dad stood around awkwardly. But when the dad paid, the mom would totally disappear....makes so much sense now! :)

kathrynoh said...

I would think a better tip is don't let your husband drive the babysitter home. It's been a long time since I was young enough to babysit but I used to have to fight off some very frisky husbands.

Anonymous said...

I think this is a great tip. It is so hard to prioritize one's husband after a baby - but he totally deserves it and so do we moms - wives.

Erin said...

Sooo accurate!

Lauren Michelle said...

I will totally keep this in mind if I ever get married and have kids. :D

That Girl in Pearls said...

So interesting! I never would have thought of that, but it totally makes sense. Loved the photo. Too cute!

Hope you have a wonderful day, Love.
B.
That Girl in Pearls

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Fabulous advice. Found you via the Styleathon- so excited to follow along.

Steph

Anonymous said...

got to read this book. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Both these pictures are so cute. Love your post.

Joanna Goddard said...

so fun to hear from all these babysitters!!! (kathrynoh, that is nuts!) i remember babysitting and the moms were always so chatty and warm and fun, and the dads were more like, ok, good night, see ya!

Joanna Goddard said...

ps. and it's funny to hear so many comments about driving the babysitter home -- i had forgotten about that, after living in NYC for 10 years!!

Nancy said...

Sadly, I usually pass out while my husband drives the babysitter (aka my nephew!) home. *blush*

Lucy and Lloyd said...

With a 9 month old, I'm definitely trying to figure this one out. We've only left him with my mother so far, but I think this idea is brilliant. And oh how I can't wait to try it! ;)

Notes from Holly St. said...

this is such a great tip! i actually hate the part where we come home from a great date night only to have to settle things with the sitter, do a little small talk and then send her on her way. it is a total buzz kill for me but never for my husband. i'm going to suggest he settle everything from now on as i politely say good night and make my way to the bedroom. i'm not sure why i didn't think of it before. thanks for this!

Kimia Kline said...

that is such a brilliant tip. we don't have kids yet, but i plan on storing this useful bit of genius until the time when we do. :) xo!

paigenykole said...

i make sure to put on a sexy bra (rather than a nursing bra) to give my hubby the heads up that it's ;) game on <3

http://trumamas.com/2011/06/05/not-tonight-honey-i-have-a-bebe/

Sarah Katie said...

aaahhh, so that is why i'm always getting paid for babysitting by the husband. tehe. i don't really babysit that much anymore. i genuinely miss it.

Jennifer of chambersstreet.blogspot.com said...

Wow, never thougth of this. My kids are 12, 10, and 6....guess I missed the boat. lol!

Joanna Goddard said...

i actually legitimately love talking to our sitters, they are all so fun/cool. but it definitely changes the vibe -- going to keep the conversation to the beginning of the dates now :) xoxo

Anonymous said...

Great tip. I will try it this weekend.

Alicia Stucky said...

With the two of us being young (25 and 29) but having our plate so full with 3 kids already, this is a big thing for us. In all honesty -- when our third and youngest was too small for an over-nighter at the grandparents' (the only thing that saves our love life nowadays :-P) we'd sneak off to park the car somewhere before heading back to pick them up... no shame here! Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do! (Not to mention, it's a great way kick the intensity up a notch after having a couple of kids starts to take a toll on your mojo! lol)

Kristin H said...

Great tip indeed! Let them feel they have a little power in the house:) Cuteeeee pictures!

andrea despot said...

what a great little tip (and it totally makes sense)! i will keep this in mind for whenever i have kids :)

Gaelan @ Uschi and Kay said...

This is a great tip except that I don't have kids, just a dog that likes to jump up on the bed and lick your elbow. Any tips for that mood killer?

britt said...

GREAT idea! thanks for sharing :)

Brandi said...

No kids, or boyfriend, but, NOTE TAKEN. Great tip!

jessie said...

This suggests that a mother cannot be both mom and sex goddess, and it underlines the age-old idea that a man delving out the cash is sexy...dislike.

Joanna Goddard said...

jessie, no, not at all! moms are totally sexy, absolutely. i'm saying that when you, as the mom, get into the mindset of taking care of your baby, worrying about bedtimes, trying to get things done, etc., it kills the sexy mood for YOU. you just get into a work zone instead of a date zone. and i wasn't at all saying that the husband delving into the cash is sexy -- i was just saying someone needs to pay the sitter other than the mom!

Alicia said...

I LOVE it! I'm definitely going to pick up a copy of Esther Perel's book. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

After reading this I'm seeing that it's EXACTLY the thing that happened to us Saturday on our date night. Brilliant tip! (I also hope our babysitter didn't read this, because it's my plan for all future date nights)
-Hallie, with a 2 year old girl

Marissa B. said...

Love this tip and plan on having my hubby pay the babysitter for all future date nights (not sure when the next one will be, however). The topics of diapers and crying is a major sex kill.

Ginger said...

Love it! And I don't care if it is old-fashioned, there is just something so sexy about just letting the man deal with money.

I get that it's wise to have the mom drive a babysitter home if she's under driving age, but I can't fathom hiring someone to care for my child that couldn't drive, in case of an emergency!

krisel keeper said...

such a great idea. will do that next time!

recently I've taken to reading a book of Pablo Neruda love poems that's in English and Spanish. I'm fluent in both languages so I read both versions to my husband. he only speaks english and finds it sexy for me to read to him in spanish. we're trying to bring back a little romance and sexiness into our bed since our 3 year old always crawls into it at some point during the night.

krisel keeper said...

oh, another thing that is a rule of mine....no kid art in the bedroom. we have it EVERYWHERE else in the house. fridge, walls, office, doors etc. my husband brings it in, i take it out. (without our daughter noticing) I cant go from betty crocker to jenna jameson with those adorable drawings in the room. just cant!

N AT A S H A said...

I am not a mother as I'm still a 21-year-old student, but it sounds like an intriguing and useful tip. Who would of thought such a simple act can change perception of such things.

The photo of you and your husband is gorgeous I would defintely frame it :)

Great blog, I am now following, x

Mandee said...

oh, my goodness. I am a baby-sitter for a family where the dad works in my building. He always pays me. Now you know what is going to be running through my head about them next time I baby-sit... I'm going to try not to think about it!

Anonymous said...

For me, date nights are an automatic turn on simply because we are in PUBLIC and having sex is not an option. All I have to do during the night is think about how much I want to jump my husbands bones (& tell him so!!)..and because we can't until we get home, there is nothing that would stop us once we get in that door... TRY IT. And, once we had a little code...if someone touched the other's elbow, that meant we were HORNY! uhhh...works like a charm. Trust me. All of a sudden I can't wait to get home. Did I just say that? :)

Amanda said...

It's always interesting how the simplest things make the biggest difference.

Karaugh said...

Hahaha I love it! Alex can pay me anytime after date night. :)

Leigh said...

SO SMART!!!

marylounorton said...

Smart you! My kids are in college now, so I missed the boat on that wonderful "must"! Very intuitive though!

Maiz Connolly said...

Here's a little peek into what a not-so-spicy date night is like for us:

http://thebroodinghen.blogspot.com/2010/10/date-night.html

And all you babysitters out there reading Cup of Jo... Help a sister out! Keep the lights low, the chitchat to a minimum, and make a quick exit!!! Boy, I wish I'd read this back in my babysitting days.

I'm loving these Monday posts, Jo!

happymama said...

I prefer to just put the baby to bed early, eat some yummy chocolate dessert, take a candle lit bubble bath, and let things heat up from there. :) We are on a strict budget right now, and baby sitters can be expensive!

htownjenny said...

Genius advice, wish I'd gotten it when my kids were a bit younger!

ailidh briar said...

My best sexy-dates are when we get a sitter to take the boys out to the park for a few hours in the morning. Then we head back to bed, chat a bit, nap, knock boots, set an alarm to be up, showered, dressed before the team returns. Cheaper and more satisfying than conventional dates, I find!
Maresa: how about paying the sitter first, before you head out?

Brownie said...

We don't get many date nights, but the one date night we did have was sex before the movie. We decided to eat in so that we could make our own rules and then when the movie was over we could go home and crash and not feel guilty for being so tired. Gonna try that again definitely!

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viagra online pharmacy said...

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Julia said...

As a very experienced babysitter(more than 5 years), I have to add that when the parents come home from their date, if I don't tell the mother how the evening went, or how the kids went to bed, I would feel so... unprofessionnal! I know this ruins the sexy mood, but from my point of view, if the mother is there then I have to keep her updated :)

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't get too upset Maresa - I'm not married and I don't feel alienated from this post :-)

Phil said...

Truly amazing the momentum women need to get to the point of wanting to have sex. And if that momentum is broken its incredible how insanely difficult to get it back.

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